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Piecing It Back Together

Bringing my life back from the brink through a desperate vision.

By E.B. Johnson Published 3 years ago 7 min read
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Image by twenty20photos via Envato

The day my mother died was the day that I hit rock bottom. I melted into the floor. I dissolved. I hardly remember the rest, though I recall the weeks and months of pain that followed.

I existed in a medically induced haze. I woke only to eat, scrabble through my pathetic heap of work, and pop the pills that doctor kept pumping into me to keep me off the edge of absolute hysteria. There had never been such a tangible physical and emotional pain that I had ever experienced in my nearly 30 years of life. No one had ever equipped me with any tools to handle such a catastrophic blow to the side of my life’s fuselage.

In that moment, I didn’t realize that my mother’s death would be the catalyst that turned my life around forever. I didn’t realize that losing her would provide me with both a purpose and a path to tangibly changing the material world around me.

Falling backward.

As every cliche story goes, my life restarted after I crawled to the computer one rainy afternoon. My birthday has just passed, and the one year anniversary of my mother's death was bearing down on me with a soul-shattering heaviness.

What are you doing?

My partner was standing in the doorway with his tea in his hand and his heavy winter robe wrapped tight around him. He always came in for his morning coffee, but today he was running a little late.

It’s a new website,” I told him, quickly explaining the rest.

All the other writers in my Twitter circles were talking about it. A new blogging website that was paying its writers fistfuls of money to write about practically anything. It was led by some big-name billionaire and was fueled by some of the most powerful indie names on the internet. I clicked over to the new site and scrolled through the pages hungrily. I drank it all in.

Me - struggling to keep it together 6 months after my mother's death.

I had been working as a freelance writer for years at this point, but I was still struggling to make anything happen. And, what’s worse, I was struggling to love it. Nonetheless, I persevered and signed myself up for any site that could prove they paid their writers cold-hard-cash.

By this stage I was also running a small blog as a side outlet. It was a place I wrote psychology articles and little interesting tidbits about certain aspects of healing I was working on. I called the site LadyVivra and focused it on all the places I was struggling in my own life. It became a little dreamland, of sorts, where I wrote about all the happy and healthy things I wanted to manifest in my own life -- even though they didn’t yet exist.

I quickly noticed, though, that this new site seemed pretty open to those types of articles. Rather than just the usual B2B and tech specs that most sites desired, Medium.com seemed to be a lot more open, with a lot more room to write about the things that interested you.

Making the first move.

I’m thinking about moving my blog over to this site,” I mumbled to my partner a few days later. “You know, that new one I was looking into the other day.”

He was dubious, and he had a right to be. After all, who was going to be paying living wages to someone who was writing about their narcissistic family and how to heal deep parental divides?

I heard that there're jobs open at the local gardens.

I shook my head like I always did. I wanted a few months to try things out, so he gave it to me.

There’s no way I’ll ever be able to articulate my gratitude to my partner for those 3 months of grace. I’ll never be able to fully thank him for that uncomfortable faith that he had in me.

I threw myself into Medium full time. I wrote every day.

I wrote 6,000 word articles of healing childhood trauma and my encounters with abuse. I told the world how to pick up the pieces after being abused by everyone around them. I let myself bleed across the page on Medium and it paid off. After 3-4 months on the platform, I was making a steady wage. But there was something even bigger that I had come to realize...

My purpose.

My outpouring online had brought out the other victims and sufferers in droves. Thousands and thousands of people opened up to me in comments from around the world. I went viral. Over-and-over again. Readers from Mumbai, Los Angeles, Stockholm, Rio - they all opened up about their traumas and expressed sorrow at my own. I was no longer that lost little girl with no mother and no history. I was a helper, a healer. I was a part of a global community. I could give others hope and they gave me the same in turn. My readers saved my life.

I was ignited.

I felt a fire inside me like I had never felt before. Suddenly, it was clear to me as it had never been clear: I had a purpose. When I was honest and opened my heart, I could help others. By telling my story and showing them how I peeled apart the layers, I could prevent so much sorrow and so much suffering for so many people.

I registered in several top-rated and rigorous coaching programs and gained certifications in Developmental Psychology, NeuroLinguistic Programming, Mental Health First Aid, and Personal and Professional Coaching. I wrote books and prepared classes. Now, two years later, I’m standing on the edge of a launch like no other. Seeing my purpose in the world, I’m ready to bring that light to others so that they too can find brighter ways to live.

That’s why I’m now launching myself as a relationships coach.

We all need light right now. We’re all struggling to make sense of the world we’re in and the complicated emotions we’re taught to fight. We exist in never-ending toxic struggles against self and our families, and all the while we never realize the cycles that we’re feeding. I can help others see those cycles, and I can help them change them.

How I'm taking action.

For too long “coaching” has been something for the elite and the professional. Aimed at boardrooms and CEOs, we have labeled relationship and life coaching as a tool for corporate performance rather than a catalyst for intense personal change. I’m changing that. I’m teaching people how to take accountability in their own lives and how to analyze their relationships for what they really are.

It takes radical honesty to change our lives, and that radical honesty has to start with some radical truths.

My vision is to create a series of coaching programs, online courses, books, communities, and one-on-one opportunities in which those in need can get what they need. Every month, I’ll offer a new eBook as well as group coaching sessions which can help my members connect and make the transformative shifts their seeking.

I’m already getting started. I am bringing coaching to the masses and making it accessible for those who need it most. I've recorded podcast episodes, webinars, courses, and am putting the final touches on a series of potent relationship books I'll be releasing exclusively for my members.

I’m putting myself out there as the catalyst that can help others open the door on the rest of their lives and surrounding myself with some powerhouse talent that is helping me get it done (Hello, ProjectMe - is that you?!).

It’s scary opening up the doors like this in my own life, but it has to be done. When we share our stories, we encourage others to do the same. And it’s only through sharing our stories that we can learn to appreciate our place in the complex tapestry of life and love.

Sharing the secret.

This is my calling, my purpose, and the meaning in my life. From that scared little girl on Portersville Road, I’m now a strong and self-possessed woman who knows exactly how she’s going to make major shifts in this world. I just need a little bit of a boost to help me get there where I need to be. I need a few more of the right people to have faith in what I'm doing.

I’m fulfilled when I’m helping others be fulfilled - as we all are, really. I'm here to help others survive, and I'm here to lift them up the way I was never lifted up by those I loved.

That’s the real secret to life that many people don’t understand. Getting to a state of happiness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You achieve your highest state when everyone else can reach their highest state too. We’re in this together and that truth is where the actual power and healing lies.

healing
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About the Creator

E.B. Johnson

E.B. Johnson is a writer, coach, and podcaster who likes to explore the line between humanity and chaos.

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