Peeling Off The Mask

Everyday has always been the same for me, just on different days. For the most part from the age fifteen until twenty nine, I've spent my life in a bubble, in fear of the outside world. I worried about the "what ifs," the "what wills," and the "whys" that people all too often asked and joked about when it came to my living status. The way I dressed, the way I spoke, and the way I spoke was filtered and seconded because I depended on others opinions of me.

I wasn't always that way, in fact, I was a happy child who grew up in a two parent home with three siblings. We lived in a four bedroom house for ten years, it gave us a sense of stability. We hung out with a lot of cousins and uncles as well as kids from the neighborhood who considered my parents as their aunt and uncle.

I never truly thought much of the saying "You are a product of your environment" but it holds some truth to it.

At the age fourteen we moved from the place that I considered our safe haven, the place that we'd all grown accustomed to as our home and not just a house. We moved to the house that my grandpa had left to my dad after he'd passed away. It was a two story house in a poverty stricken neighborhood that looked as if it was thriving at one point in time.

Both floors, the upstairs and downstairs had three bedrooms and one bathroom. It wasn't a beauty upon entering but it was free, who can pass up free? The people in the neighborhood were either gang related, drug dealers, or jobless which ultimately kept everyone in the same areas, too close together. I was uncomfortable and didn't quite fit in as I wasn't used to that type of lifestyle.

Within the first year of living there, my family and I had began to form a closer bond with my dad's side of the family which was a plus for me because I always wanted to hang around girls that were in my age bracket instead of being a roughneck all the time. Puberty had already hit and I wanted to express myself. But that wasn't the case because just as soon as puberty built it's foundation, a deep depression stormed through me.

I had no idea that it was depression, something I should have been aware of being that it was something that my mom was dealing with as well at the time. It's always obvious when someone else displays it but everyone's oblivious when it comes to their own life.

Drinking and smoking had become a norm for me, along with partying and just hanging around the neighborhood with the wrong crowds. Fights had taken place within our groups, jealousy had begun to outshine our good hearted nature and selfishness engulfed us. The depression had not left, I just learned to hide it very well. The antics went on for the entire five years of us living in that house, in that neighborhood.

During those years, I had lost sight of who I was and what I represented. We walked into a different world blindfolded and carried it with us to the next house. Our attitudes were different, very different. The brave girl that I once was had been lost five years prior to moving out. And for years, I have been her, I have been hiding from the world and depending on others.

Before the ending of 2020, I made a new year resolution of being stronger and not being able to be easily manipulated.

Before the ending of 2021, my new year resolution is to have self love and to continue on this journey that I've been on to seek the Lord. I've learned not to settle for just anything and I've learned that my opinion is just as important as anyone else.

Also, my resolution is to value myself and to appreciate the things that I have rather than always focusing on how to change this and that. I plan to focus on my writing and stop half doing everything that I've ever started. I plan to uplift myself and look forward to happiness rather than always looking back at the past. My plan is to just let myself be free from self-deprecation.

All in all, I plan to be the best version of me that I can be and allow myself to finally rest easy without the interruptions of who everyone else think I should be.

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