Pandemics, Poverty, and Gratitude, OH MY!

My Dearest 2020,

I must admit, when the idea of counting my blessings during your reign was first brought to my attention, the gratitude list that resulted was a rather small one. Okay, truth be told, it was non-existent. In my defense you must realize that up to this point, I had already spent countless hours creating lists. Numerous lists of my own all about you, your impact, and your faults. All of which were born from resentment, fed by tunnel-vision, and nurtured with current affairs via podcasts, news, and public opinion.

Unfortunately, it never occurred to me to spend even a little time on the opposing argument, or to try seeing a half-full glass instead of the bonedry one I'd been gazing at for so long. You see, by this point, I had expended so much effort and energy dissecting and documenting every wrong I held you responsible for, I simply had no more to offer. Especially for the few arguments I halfheartedly made in your favor in an empty attempt to play the game fair. And ironically enough, that hollowed-out, desperate feeling that compiling all of your so-called wrongs always left me with still never swayed me from my path. No, I had my sight laser-focused on blame, denial, and the myriad of excuses that when put together, created only an old map with directions straight into my harbored hatred, the only possible detour insight being the bumpy route leading directly to my self-pity and despair.

It would be completely fair to say that I was not in a good place.

I'm sure you've heard the phrase "life happens while we're making other plans", well, I'm no exception. And that fun-fact, coupled with the truth that one can only exist in my beforementioned state for so long before they either snap or seek out a better view, somehow bestoyed upon me the ability to begin to find my way out of that darkness.

It is here that I teetered between the iconic good versus bad dilemma of the ages.

Here where the word de jour- grateful- dared enter my world, bringing with it the possibility of associating the year 2020 with anything at all positive... The possibility of quieting the infuriated broken promises, plans, and dreams that made up the storm that was inside of me.

As a result of all that drama, I did the only thing I know how to do- I wrote a list detailing the awesomeness of the year instead of my now overly shared complaints. It is with great pleasure that I managed to get to this point in my narcisstic coma-of-anger, and so, I proudly present to you, 2020, YOUR GRATITUDE LIST: (cue music)

1.) It's good to rest sometimes, m'kay?

I totally get that for the majority of us, this isn't an issue, much less a bullet-worthy problem. I, however, am a mother of many that worked full-time for as long as I can remember up until D-Day- which for me was March the 17th. I worked full time, behind a bar, either captivatingly listening to drunk people or taking orders, yelled at random and almost always collectively, by those same fine, drunk folks. Did I mention that at this point I'm a 40-something momma of 7, still nursing 2 of my children, working full-time, and trying to write anything worth a damn in the seconds that I get just for me each day. Of corse, this was all while still performing the myriad of Mom-duties that make up my domestic life every day.(aka everything for everyone at all times).

Pre-2020, a solid 3 hours a night was nothing short of a miracle. The reality, however, was that I would regularly skip sleep altogether in an attempt to gain some much needed "me time". Unfortunately for everyone in my general area, said time was flawed before it even started by the same mombie-woman that desired it in the first place.

My point is this: you made me to hit a pause button that I wasn't sure even existed anymore, and for that, I am forever grateful. Turns out, no matter how big the family or the problem, it's all easier to deal with after a good night's sleep, cliches be damned!

Long story short- If not for COVID and the global pandemic, followed by quarantine, I would have continued on as I did every day before. As a sleep-deprived Mombie that's damn near delusional. One that would have eventually caused some SERIOUSLY BAD stuff to happen no matter my intent. I am forever in your debt for legitimately teaching me the importance of REST.

B.) Okay... So, if they're not the problem does that mean that I am?!?

I find it entirely too easy to get stuck in the monotonous routines of our day-to-day life. Too easy to expect those closest to us to act or react to us in a certain way. But it's that kind of thinking can become the culprit in the slaying of our closest relationships if allowed to remain on autopilot day in, and day out. Fortunately for me, there's nothing better than a global pandemic and the forced "family time" that inevitably follows it to strong-arm you into taking a good look within. And for me, this particular inspection was long overdue. so, after sleeping for the first time in more years than I care to admit, the fog began to lift and I learned this massively important lesson just in time.

Long story short- Although you behaved as though the pandemic and subsequent quarantine were for the publics safety, we both know it was solely for me and my loved ones. Hell, without your "lock-down guidance", I may never have seen the truth about what expectations can do to you or to those you're expecting them from. Thank you for making me, albeit forced, to take a time-out and truly look at my life with a fresh set of eyes and a recently re-opened mind. It's only because of that, I was able to let go of the majority of my expectations, freeing me from the handicaps that they had created in my life. And more importantly, freeing the people I loved from my preconceived notions and unrealistic expectations!

"Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty." -Doris Day-

IV.) Is this makeup edible? Cause I'm as ugly on the inside as I am on the out!

I am one of those women that NEED to apply makeup. You know the type. I assure you I don't put it on because I simply love it. Or because it's so fascinating that I just can't stop experimenting with different brands and new techniques. Nope, not me. I put on the "makeup mask" for 2 equally simple and sad reasons:

a.) I feel like I am ugly and that I owe it to the world to present prettier than I actually am and...

2.) If you've seen me with my face on, I can NEVER then allow you to see me without one on... (you may see right through my BS all the way to the real me)!

You can spare me the unavoidable dose of pity you almost certainly feel after reading those 2 pathetic, superficial facts. And trust me, I already know all too well just how degrading and self-sabotaging they surely are. But the truth is the truth. Nothing more, nothing less, and this is my truth. I am vain to a fault. I am not proud of it and I promise you that that vanity has tormented me for nearly my entire existence. It took a global pandemic, a career upheaval, and hard-time with only my immediate family to interact with, but I feel I'm making progress!

• I can now walk into a 7/11 and not have $36 worth of product painted all over my face.
• I can both drop my kids off and pick them up sans makeup.
• And more important than anything even remotely related to this truth: I don't care if anyone else cares!

My existence up until 2020 was not this simple, I swear. Then enter 2020 and despite your wretched turns and steep declines, you still managed to free this old gal from the chains of beauty product oppression. Chains, I might add, that I had lived with for as long as I can remember!

Long story short- After more than 30 years as a slave to the cosmetic Gods, you managed to teach me something I should have known inherently, but fell short. You proved to me that it matters not what you look like on the outside, but what is under it all that's absolutely important. And you did it in less than a year's time. Bravo, and thank you. Thank you very much.

"At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer-

E.) I WISH I had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home-mom/ She's NO IDEA just how fortunate she is!

As a Momma of many that always worked outside of the home, I confess I'm guilty of uttering those words, verbatim, more times than I'll ever again admit. I envied the Moms that had the privilege of staying home to raise their kids. I coveted their life choices, wishing I too had thought about so much more way back when. I thought, I already do almost everything that needs to be done in my house, I just work in addition to all those things. I wasted hours, if not days of my life daydreaming about how much easier life would be if I could just be a Mom, as opposed to a Mom and a whatever.

I. Was. Wrong.

As a matter of fact, just to clarify, I have NEVER been more wrong about anything in my entire life. As a matter of fact, I was so drastically mistaken that I would later put my intelligence on trial as a result. I'd have my own personal drama-filled courtroom going on in my head like there was enough room left up there for any of that. (there was not) No one mentioned to me the losses they took as a direct result of being a stay-at-home-mom. But then again, I don't know anyone who's strong enough to take their own inventory, honestly and accurately, and then report back their failures for the good of womankind either. But none of that changes the fact that you granted me my "just a mom" wish, giving me the gift of time with my girls.

Long story short- The time you handed me to not-so-simply be "just be a mom" has been time that I would otherwise never have had. It's time that no amount of money could ever buy, as it's value is too high to be comprable. This block of time has allowed me to witness my 3 youngest girls grow, an allowance I did not get with my older ones. The way I honestly regard this gift, in particular, encompasses the entire definition of the word gratitude, and then itself becomes a perfect example of how if we expend too much energy focusing on what's going wrong, we are giving the genuine miracles a chance to slip by us, unnoticed.

Long story short: Please know that I will forever look back on 2020 fondly. That the smile that I acquired just in the time it took to put these thoughts down on paper will remain for as long as the memory itself will, God willing, till the day I die. It is for these reasons that I now know with all that I am and all that I have become that what I saw as a curse was simply a freeway for the stuff that really matters, and I owe not only the event itself, but the 20/20 vision I have so recently acquired, all to you, 2020. Come over here and give Momma some LOVE!

All in all, it seems to me that we have ALL learned a few things from not only the year of 2020, but from the exercise of writing down the things that this year has given me. And despite the fact that, at the end of the day, you and I both know I am nothing but a quick to anger, utterly exhausted, contraceptiveally challenged, cosmetically controlled, ungrateful new stay-at-home-mom, there's something to be said about the relieved joy you feel when you've been so obviously gifted with learning of a fellow human beings obviously-worse-off-than-you's faults!

YOU'RE WELCOME! May your 2021 be as eventful as you so desire!