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Opening up: writing my first article online about surviving sexual abuse.

The feeling next day...

By No IntroductionPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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A very poorly presented representation of how I feel calm on the outside, but my nerves are crashing together like waves in a storm. Photo courtesy of myself.

Well... it was a very difficult decision for me to make about opening up about my trauma. I’ve read lots of anonymous and not so anonymous sexual abuse survival stories, and I never thought it would be the way I opened up about it. These last few months though, the cold weather and rainy day’s have affected me more than I realized, and I felt the urge to just let it out. Considering the response I’ve had from family about it, I figured, you know what, maybe just telling my story online will help someone else. I don‘t care if it it read by 1 person or 1 million people.

I just hope it helps someone.

It has only been a day though since I posted the story. And even though it’s only had a few reads, my nervous would not stop getting the best of me. All day yesterday and all night I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Did I really just do that? Will it even matter to anyone else? I guess I know now that I didn’t really do it to get a response or outpouring love and support from anyone. I did it because writing has always been something that’s healed me. I’m not very good at it, but it helps me so much. It was only yesterday that I felt that posting my story online was the only thing that would help ease the stress of it and relieve my mind a bit.

With the way things have been the last few years I thought about it occasionally. I never believed my story to be good enough though. Sure, they do say that survivors will feel that way and will hold it in and keep it to themselves because of the guilt they have. They don’t tell you though just ho real that feeling it. How strong and how much you have to PUSH through just to even begin considering talkin about something so dark. It’s a terrible feeling. Helpless, really.

Gif from the Netflix origianl series BoJack Horseman.

That’s what I’ve learned over the last decade. Slowly (extremely slowly for me), it does get easier, and though I felt a little bit like a nervous wreck after my first post yesterday, I woke up this morning actually a little relieved. A little less like there was an invisible burden on me.

With COVID-19 taking it’s toll in America, and all over the world, it’s been harder to go out, but it got me going to more places like this:

Scenic view on the mountainside.

I’ve had to learn to experience a whole new side of myself. I never been a negative person per say, but I haven’t ever been too confident in myself either. I promised myself early this year that this was it. This was the last year that I would hold myself back for something that I cannot change, nor should I feel is my fault. Self love and forgiveness have completely helped me heal through a crazy year. In a year with everything so chaotic who would have thought there would also be some closure?

I believe things work out the way they are supposed to in the end. I like to think they do at least.

And for my post... Well again, I hope that whoever reads it (if anyone) and has experienced something similar, I hope you don’t feel alone anymore. If you feel scared, talk to someone. It will really help you. It’s been an odd year, but for some it’s also been an odd and hard life. I hope that 2021 brings everybody a lot of new beginnings, and closes a lot of emotional doors. You are loved.

healing
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About the Creator

No Introduction

Small content creator discussing abuse and mental health in my NoIntro Podcast. Love yourself and allow yourself to believe in change. You are loved, you are worthy, and you deserve this life you've been given.

♥️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤎🤍

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