Obsession

Obsession

A brief forward before you read this. The beginning of this will seem almost like a journal entry however these are some tips and tricks I've picked up over the years for dealing with those times where your hobby threatens to consume you. I use writing as my example but it can apply to any hobby in life.

I got on to Vocal because of my partner. They asked me to try my hand at writing a short story. Now while I have been writing for most of my teen and adult life I have never once actually written a short story. In high school I was tasked with writing a story no less than 4 pages long double spaced and instead handed my teacher 25 pages of fantasy. I have always been long winded and just enjoy the sound of my own voice. So when my partner first proposed this idea to me I initially blew it off. But then he told me there could be money involved and that there was already a large community on Vocal so I decided to try it. It was for the little black book challenge. Sure enough two hours later I had written a short story, one that was even somewhat cohesive given how small it seemed. My partner submitted it for me and two days later I got an email saying I was published. Ever since I wrote my first story I had dreamed of seeing those words. I'll admit I got rather excited over it. Then a day later I checked my account and saw that someone had read my story and I was ecstatic. Someone actually took the time to read something I had written and it wasn't a friend or a loved one. I even checked with my partner that it wasn't them before I let the giddiness over take me.

After that I started checking my Vocal account 2 or 3 times a day just to see if I had any more views. Then I got a second view and suddenly I was checking every hour. I could feel my obsession taking hold. All my life any time I've started something and it turns out I'm good at it I become obsessed. Slowly every other hobby starts fading out so that this one thing can become my every waking moment. Now I know that 2 views doesn't mean I'm good at something. But for me it means the world. 2 total strangers whom I've never met read my story. I don't know if they liked it or not but they did read it and that's all that matters. The problem though is that whatever is my current obsession starts eating away at everything. I start excluding even basic things like eating just to give more time to my obsession. I've gotten better as I've gotten older. Though not near as much as I should have. It's a way for me to escape because I tie my worth into things I'm good at. To be good at something and to be validated by others is like a drug. I think that's something we can all recognize and understand with one another. However just like a drug the second that I don't see any new views within a few days I'll start coming down off it. This is where the dark side of the obsession starts kicking in. I start asking myself what happened? Why did people stop reading it? Am I actually not any good or maybe I just need to double down on everything?

Having spent over half my life dealing with this issue embarrassingly I still don't handle it very well. I still end up crashing and burning into a long spiral that either gets a pick me up when things start going well again or ends with me just blanking the whole thing and pretending that I never wanted to be good at it in the first place. Neither of which is what I would call healthy emotional responses. So what do you do? Well the first one seems obvious but it still has to be said. You're worth as a human being is not solely derived from the things you are good at. There are so many things that go into making us human that it's almost impossible to quantify them all. Your skill set is only but a small part of the fabric that makes up your essence. So no matter your successes or your failures remember these things do not absolutely define you. Second, all things move in peaks and valleys. Nothing just reaches to the sky endlessly eventually there is a summit and then a dip back down. Now you can always push that summit higher and you should always endeavor to do so but also recognize there will be down times. Times when things don't look near as good as they did from the summit. However allowing that dip to drive you into a depressive spiral will only make the valley go further and further down to the point where you can't climb back up. So when those low points come remember it's just a breather and you can go climb back up and create a whole new summit for you to stand on. Last is dealing with obsession. When something consumes you so wholly that it's all you can live, breathe, and think about. Brief spurts of it aren't necessarily bad. They are the moments where we finally conquer writer's block and slump over the computer exhausted after 8 solid hours of typing but content in the knowledge that when we come back we know where we are going. However when it's been a week and you realize that you haven't showered and you've only been eating massive bags of chips this whole time there is a problem. The key to this one is finding your balance. Balance is different for everyone. Some people can sit and type for 8 hours and then just clock out no problem. Others can't go more than an hour without sinking into a cycle of more and more till it's suddenly 12 hours later and you have no idea where any of that time went. Finding your balance is a crucial part of any hobby. Without that balance you are always in danger of obsession taking over. Sometimes all it takes is getting up and stretching. But maybe you're someone who needs to completely disengage from a project to keep it from eating you.

These are some things I wish I had known at an earlier portion of my life. I've allowed most of my hobbies to consume me until I finally broke from it and moved on to the next thing. Hopefully for any one who reads this who has the same problem I hope it helps. Don't give into the lows and don't ride too high on the peaks.