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No Longer Silent

Cutting Off the Prison

By Heather C. BeckPublished 2 years ago 13 min read
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Throughout life, society has taught us that silence speaks more than our voice. Something I was taught at a very young age, be silent, or someone gets hurt. However, in my experience, the more I stayed silent, the more hurt it always caused.

Early childhood is when we learn the most crucial lessons, and whether or not we can depend on those around us or not. I learned very early that I could only depend on two people, my brother, and myself. As a team, we had to make sure that our younger siblings could depend on us as well.

We were a broken family from the start, and when we became broken more, my brother and I separated from our younger siblings, it hurt. We did not know if they had anyone, they could truly depend on. It worried us for years. We had no control of it, and we had to accept it.

We did not like it, but we did, after all, we were kids, what could we do about the situation. Fast forwarding, I was still kept silent about many things for many years. I was told if I talked about it, that people would die, and it would be my fault. I was reminded of it every day. I remained silent.

In the year 1998, my brother died. He had been sick for a very long time, he was sick since before Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas of 1997. He was sick for his 13th birthday, January 17. I had not talked, but I did try and get him medical attention. No one wanted to get him to the hospital. When he first died, I thought it was my fault for trying to get him help because I opened my mouth.

After many years of contemplating, I came to the realization, I did nothing wrong, in fact, I did something right, no one would listen. He had a treatable condition. He had something that only required a simple surgery, and he would have been alive still. He was medically neglected.

Fast forwarding a few more years, I start living with my grandma. She is just the sweetest woman in the world, and to take on the task of putting up with me and my drama, that had to of been a hard task. I know now that I was not picnic for her, and that I took her for granted. I wish I hadn't. I will treasure her forever, and I wish I could take back all my mistakes that took all the time I lost with her away.

My grandma was the opposite of silence. She did not have a loud voice, but she made it clear to use it. She tried to undo the ways I was taught by trying to teach me to open up.

Even got me professional help. At that time, I thought it was stupid, but now, I love having it. However, the damage was there. Many layers of it, I felt like I had no power to speak for anything. Like I had no mouth at all.

The therapist she had me with at that time, she could not break through my walls. No one could. It was strong and sturdy. Since I was such a Rhino, my grandma consented to hypnotherapy and EMDR, whichever would work to get me to talk. EMDR, she tried first, and she got some information, but my walls where still built with resistance. After a while, she moved onto Hypnotherapy. This therapist knew there was something that needed to be dug up, and said, and that silence was not the key. She knew my acting out was a cry for help, and the only way to face the trauma, was to speak out. Hypnotherapy after a few sessions, she got it out. Yes, my brain resisted it, but in the end, it worked.

I will admit, I was mad at first, for many years, and refused therapy. Now that I am older, I see what my grandma meant.

My night terrors, insomnia, and everything else, while still a problem for me, are less problematic. I find I am able to sleep more nights of the week now than I used to, and even though I still have vivid nightmares, night terrors sure do to cause me to wake in the night with bouts of sweat, both cold and hot, all the while screaming; at times, I even find myself falling even though I am still snuggled in my own bed right next to my love. He will wake and make sure I am okay and want me to talk to him.

I won't of course. I have the hide of a Rhinoceros, that is what my therapist states. I am compared to that quit often, even my grandma had stated many years ago. Breaking that hide, that has been a challenge for many years, and I know it has. Over the years, it has gotten thicker. Between the threads sewn, the brick wall, stone wall, my body built an extra barrier.

Admitting that, even to myself has been hard. While I have been teaching my own children that it is okay to speak up, do not grow silent, I have yet to take that advise. I do not want my children to be like me, sewn shut at the lips.

For me, I have many layers of thread through my lips that need to be undone. While my grandma had worked some of it, I unfortunately at my own hand, undid her work by shutting myself up by not staying in therapy all those years ago. I was screwed up back then, and thought it was stupid. Thought she did not know what she was doing.

Now that I have grown up, and realize the damage it is taking on me, not just mentally, but physically, and socially; I have decided to work harder to cut those threads off. Yes, I have been in therapy for some time. Yes, I have opened up about things. In reality, I find that in the public, I still hold my tongue.

I have been working for a company for a short period, and it is documented that I have disabilities. The management know this. One manager in particular has been belittling me, called me retarded, and stupid in front of everyone else. Yes, this is abusive verbally towards me, and she does it just because she does not like me, she has said so herself, many times. She shows a great deal of racism towards me. Instead of taking it the last time I worked, which was about 4 days ago, I called her out on it.

What I do not understand, why am I the one who got in trouble, got sent home even though I did nothing wrong. It is not the first act that has been done against me at this place of business. Another employee threatened my life because I am a potential hard worker who he assumes is up for a raise, when that is privileged information. He stated he wants a raise and if I ended up getting one too, he threatened my life about it. That same coworker the next day, pushed me in the back.

Another manager hit my hand for trying to do my job because she did not want me to do the job, even though it was my job to do. She made me drop the biscuit on the floor, blamed me for food wasting. Then waited for someone else to do the job, and I got talked to about not doing it when it was supposed to be done. I was told that jobs need to be done in a timely manner and when I tried to explain the situation, no one would listen. The only time anyone would listen was when another employee brought it to their attention that I was complaining. Yet, I get talked to about not talking when it happens. It is not like I have not tried; I am just not heard.

The hostile manager that yelled at me, called me retarded and stupid, and yelled at me, a few days ago triggered a couple of my disabilities badly. I asked to be excused for 5 minutes, outside. No, I had to be forced to stay in close quarters with her.

Yes, I let the main management know that I was triggered badly, asked if another employee could be asked to take over my position, and believe me, we had plenty of staff that could have. Nope, they still forced me to stay in my post, in close quarters with the manager that triggered me. When no one was looking because they were busy doing something, she would mumble things toward me under her breath, call me names, and repeat how much she disliked me because of my skin color, talked about how stupid I was. Until she finally walked away.

I was shaking, could barely see what I was doing and unfocused. I felt like I was going to pass out, my anxiety was getting to me. Then they wanted me to be near her, would not even let me go outside for fresh air! Oh, but I am the one in trouble. When I got a chance to leave the station, I still had to be in close quarters with her, within her view, and she would make faces at me, look at me dirty. This place of work makes me feel like I am back in high school, where there are cliques, and people don't know how to act like adults.

I know it is a hostile work environment, and I will not take it anymore. I have called corporate. I have a meeting with them about it.

My whole life I was told to be silent, be quiet, thread put through my lips, and I am sure others know how damaging it can be. I have finally learned; people do get hurt. It is not for talking that get people hurt. People who keep people or teach people to be silent do it to stay out of trouble because they are wrong. They want to have the power and control over someone else. They need to be the one put on blast.

Those of us that have been silenced, it is time to take back the power and control. That Is what I am doing now. My husband has been encouraging me for years to do so, and I am making this year, MY YEAR.

It is not getting hurt for talking, silence is what is hurting people, and the person that it is hurting, our own self. My silence has hurt me for years, by not speaking up, and defending myself with words, I fought with violence or stayed quiet and took the abuse however it came because that is what I was taught. No more, WORLD, HEAR ME ROAR! My New Year's Resolution is to take a layer of thread out of my mouth, just a little every day and to speak up more for myself. My other Resolution, being more committed on working more on my writing career.

When I made the first resolution, I did not realize I had, but I felt it. It opened up my mind, and my writer's block that I have felt for the past few months, that weight lifted. I do not know why that is, but it did. When I saw these challenges, I knew exactly what to do for it, and I went a whim. There is no draft here like I normally do. 2021 was a rough year for me, ended with grief and loss, and 2022 started not great, but I am choosing to change that.

Having these last few days off, and away from the hostile environment, working more on my writing, I have already noticed a difference in myself. I feel like I have freed myself some from the threads of silence. I find myself sleeping a bit more restfully at night. Even with all the grief my family have endured just before the holidays, we have loved ones that passed away, and it has taken a toll. I lost more hours of sleep than I can count. Right now, I feel like I am getting them back, my writers block is gone, and I am writing more and more. For once in my life, I am focused on me, and my own mental health and speaking up, advocating for myself instead of being silent! It feels FREEING! No longer will I be a slave to silence!

Yes, I admit, I get professional help, and I am going to work on being more open with her. I know I need to because I need to be able to reach my full potential. I hold myself back in so many ways because I myself am afraid. No more. It is what my grandma tried teaching me so many years ago, and I was too thick headed to listen. Now, I have to work harder than ever because I am much older than all those years ago. I hope to reach my full potential before the end of the year. I want to see what I shine into. I know I have to lead by example for my own children, and if I want them Not to silence themselves as I have been forced to do, then I need to live by it myself.

After all these years with my husband, he has even tried to open me up. While I have grown soft with him, I still have a wall up with him too. It is a good thing he is a patient and loving man. He knows a lot of my past, but not all. He encourages me every day and has been for years. Actually, he is the one that pushed the card to call corporate office to file a complaint on what happened the day I got sent home early from work the day. He also is the one that encouraged me to stay home until things get sorted out, especially for my own health and safety.

He wants me to let my true colors show and shine bright. At times I have no idea what he sees in me. That is how it goes, we never know what another person sees in us, because we have not given ourselves a chance to see it for ourselves. We guard ourselves from ourselves in order to keep a brick and stone wall up. In my case, mine is also guarded by sewn lips. Today's step in taking the threads out, was putting my resolution out there, and talking about what has been going on at my work.

I actually have a few truths on here. Actually, I started this one yesterday, but not finishing it until today. By posting it, there is no turning back for me, no chickening out like I have chickened out so many times before. Yes, I have, it is never easy making steps like these, not for anyone. This year, it will be different.

I am no longer going to be a child hiding with sewn lips, a brick wall, stone wall and rhino hide. I will no longer let silence be my prison. I have lost too much time, fun, laughter, sleep, and commitment to my writing career over it. One day at a time, one step at a time, I will cut away the threads that time and years have sewn my lips into silence and let myself be the lioness that lets herself roar while finding my true self and colors. Happy 2022 to Everyone, especially, to me!

self help
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About the Creator

Heather C. Beck

I'm a mother, author and full-time writer. I have one book of poems fully published in different formats that can be found on Lulu, and 2 ongoing novels available for reading On KDP Vella. Plus, much more to come!

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