Newfound Confidence

When I was the fifth grade, I remember being assigned the homework of creating my own fictional story. I was so excited but when it came time to write the story, the only thing I could think about was all the shows I had seen that weekend. So, I ended up taking the plots and resolutions from already developed stories and mashing them all together. I felt I had to add my own spin to the story to be special, so I added my favorite chorus line from my favorite movie at the time to the story. I decided when walking to school that Monday that was going to take it one step further and preform the song while presenting my story to the class.

I felt that my classroom was a safe space. My teacher was in her first year and we were her first class. I knew she would be proud of me for having the courage to stand up and sing. Or so I thought. After hearing about four kids read boring stories of what they wished they did over the weekend, it was finally my chance to shine. While I was reading my story to the class, I kept looking up, waiting to see if anyone would recognize that I stole most of my story from the TV but, no one did. When I got to the end of my story it was finally time for the musical break. I felt my ears burning, my heart was beating so loud in my ears I began to yell to make sure I could hear myself speak. Finally, I took a deep breath and began to sing. Halfway through the chorus I looked up my teacher had the biggest smile on her face. So big in fact, that she had covered her mouth. In that moment I felt so proud so strong, and so special.

Of course, I was crazy to think that it would last as soon as I finished, I uttered the words “the end.” And within seconds my teacher was heckling with laughter so loud the rest of the class joined her. I was sure my face had turned cherry red. I felt my head beginning to explode like it would if I was in a cartoon. I wanted to run right out of that room sobbing and never come back. But I thought the worst of it was over, I had not only read my story but, I also sang in front of about 28 children. I took my seat and in about 15 minutes, we were doing silent reading so the teacher could grade our stories. Suddenly I heard other students laughing under their breath and pointing at me. I had become the bunt of everyone’s joke, and I didn’t even get a chance to disappear. Why couldn’t I be one of those special kids from the comics who instantly developed powers to defend against the bullies?

Before I knew it, my teacher had called me up to her desk. Instantly I thought “Oh no, she figured out that I didn’t right my story at all. She was going to fail me or make me do it again." Either way I was screwed. Instead she said “I’m sorry for laughing at you. That wasn’t right. I should have had more composure than that.” Before she could finish, I lost it I told her she was right that she shouldn’t have reacted that way. I told her I thought this was a safe space. For it being your first year of teaching, you made me feel so lousy that I don’t ever want to speak in front of anyone ever again. I told her she made a huge mistake. You see I was always raising my hand in class and I was always trying to help her but now I felt like she was just using me, or I was too naive. But not anymore. Now, I was going to be the quietest girl in the whole class.

Just then she stopped me and pulled me outside. I thought I had gotten loud, so I apologized for raising my voice if I did. I had just gotten caught up in the moment and I felt that if I didn’t say how I felt the first chance I got, I would never say anything. She told me I wasn’t yelling; she brought me outside because what I said to her brought tears to her eyes. She said:

“I never meant to crush your spirit in that way. I thought that you meant for it to be funny. When I realized that my laughter not only created a trend of laughter throughout the class but, it also made your eyes water. I saw I was wrong. But you just stood there and took all the pain of that moment. I originally called you over to my desk to commend you for that. To let you know that you had a real gift for public speaking. The way you read your story was so amazing you kept eye contact with the class, you never lost your spot and most of all you allowed yourself to be ridiculed for the sake of your art. That takes guts.”

I was so shocked by what she had said. I think I was even more shocked when I realized she allowed me to speak freely to her without the risk of punishment, so long as I did it in a productive way. Her classroom really was a safe space. For the rest of the year, every single child in grade level made fun of me, even the new kids were told of the joke and they joined in too. But I had something not one of them could ruin. A newfound confidence brought on by the amazing speech my teacher had given me that gruesome yet magical day.