New Year – New Me?

We all focus on changing ourselves: our weight, our shapes, and our sizes. I had a “year of me” back in 2017 and it was life changing. I focused on who I wanted to be, became flexible again through yoga, wrote like my life depended on it, and ate amazing food with even better friends. Beyond those things, I grew. I found myself, if you will. I became more patient, more forgiving, more thoughtful. My friends and family saw the difference and make remarks about it to this day.

Five years later, while lying in bed reflecting on my past, I realize I’ve definitely lost some parts of the woman I became. I got married, bought a house, adopted two beautiful dogs, and lost a beloved cat. I have a normal 8-5 job that pays the bills and I’m scraping by in life. But that woman I found back then who focused on change and growth and being a generally better, happier person, faded to the background as stress over money and infertility pushed their way to the forefront of my mind.

So, this year I decided to make a change. No longer would I pressure myself to lose weight (as I’d naively resolved for the last four years) or pay off debt (though that is still a goal of course). Instead, my focus became on me, and something I wanted more than anything. To find me again.

The person I have always been just beneath the surface is a writer. From a very young age I wove tales of alien laden science fiction, vampire heavy fantasy, and tantalizing romance (well that came a bit later). As I grew up, I kept at it and eventually earned my masters in the subject I’m most passionate about – creating something from nothing.

Now, the question became, how do I weave my passion of writing with my journey to find myself again? It’s a simple answer, really. By writing. Through words I find my voice in characters, scenes, and conversations. I find bits of myself in my work that bring authenticity and substance to the words on the pages (or phones more realistically). The more I write, in any genre really, I find pieces of myself I’d tucked away.

In my drug-addicted-singer I find the parts of me that were lost and broken long ago, and I call upon those memories to pour pain and longing into his character. In my badass-vampire-heroine I recall my strength and desire to change the system and use it in her rebellion against her oppressors. In my naïve-young-Frankenstein-esque-teenage-girl I recall what it was like to be an outcast and live in constant anxiety to show how difficult being a young woman in high school can be.

As I recover those pieces of myself and take time to reflect on them, I remember my goal of sharing these works with the world – which is to build characters they can identify with and understand, however troubled they may be. When reading, we immerse ourselves in our realities and make them our own, seeing the world through the characters eyes. It’s much easier if that world is realistic to you in some way. I hope when I write, people feel that immersion and lifelike quality as it all comes from pieces of me.

This year, in addition to finding myself through my writing, my ultimate hope is to find an agent. I will not be afraid, I will not hold myself back, I will not stand in my own way. I’ve told myself, no matter what it takes, this is my year. I’ve had the “year of me” to become the woman I want to be and this year, not only will I pull her back to the forefront, but I will make her dreams come true. Through self-care, self-reflection, and self-love I will accomplish these things. It is not a matter of if, but only when. I know I can do this, and if you have a resolution you’re afraid of, remember this: you matter, your dreams matter, and being the best version of you can include both of those things. In fact, it should include both of those things. Because everyone deserves to know who they are, what they want, and the chance to see it happen. You can do this. I know because I can, too. There’s nothing that can stop us.