New Year

Yesterday was the day I was lost. Today is the day I was found. Tomorrow will be the day I am freed.

The past two years have, quite frankly, been the hardest years of my life. I’ve lost loved ones I never imagined I could lose, ended a relationship I’d believed was my forever, and have faced the reality that all good things must come to an end. Despite all of that, I am thankful because I have been blessed. By whom or what has yet to be determined by my wavering faith, but blessed I have been, nonetheless. I have experienced love in some of its purest forms, have rekindled friendships with souls that have walked the earth with me before. I’ve been allowed a fruitful life, difficult yes, but bountiful nonetheless.

Now, I once again have the chance to get to know myself. The irony, is that seven years ago, I had the same opportunity, and having shed that skin I’ve now come to face the same crossroad at a different intersection. And yes, part of me has grieved having to choose, but a much louder part of me rejoices in having chosen the same road. The one that leads to my most inner self, the me I’ve been writing to for as long as I can remember. She’s there at the end, waiting to reread all of our chapters, to tie the pile up neatly, rock back and live in the retrospect. To delight in the good, the bad, the sadness and the laughter; especially the laughter.

There is so much unknown that will be encountered on this entire journey, in this life of discovery, not just of the self but of it all. The secrets of the universe as interpreted by my thoughts. So while the difficulties of these past two years have practically eviscerated me, and while Hope still be such a damned thing, I hope this next year is everything.

But can you have it all without acceptance? Accepting the things you cannot change and changing the things you can. Rejecting what does not serve you, but accepting that you may be what doesn't serve another. We walk around wishing, and hoping, and praying, and yearning for change. For something cataclysmic in our lives that will propel us toward the correct 'way'. But what would happen if you set off that change within you? If you chose to look at the world with a different view. I know it's exhausting, but what if the change started with you?

As for me? I'm working on it. On being the best version of me I can be, and accepting that that doesn't mean perfect. What is perfection after all, and why would we want to achieve it? I accept that that is no longer a goal of mine, and am open to whatever lies beneath it. I accept that I am not for everyone. I accept my idiosyncrasies as numerous as they may turn out to be. I accept that I am ever evolving. Who I am right now may not necessarily be who I am tomorrow.

Most times, change means growth, understanding; but sometimes change is just change, a slight shift in the never ending range that is the human experience. I accept that I must reject anyone who seeks to mold me into anything or one other than myself. I accept that, while I adapt easily, I must stay true to the things that make me happy. I accept that sacrifice is not always the answer, that I must not compromise my passions. I accept that there are people who will accept me as I am, as well as the parts of me that remain unwavering. People who will love me through things as opposed to around them; who will not question my chemical imbalance.

I accept that love exists, and that it is not always constant. I accept all facets of love and reject the forms that are most toxic and damaging, passionate as they may be. I accept the past because it has already happened. I accept the present because life is a gift that never ceases giving. I accept that the future is a timeline of possibility, and that trying to anticipate it only aids in feelings of futility. I accept my humanity, the beauty and the grisly.

Most of all, I accept all of me.