Nara's Pandemic Diaries

I stare at my ceiling wondering, waiting, hoping that today will be different. I used to have so much motivation and determination to do what I love. Now I wonder if I care about anything anymore. My dreams my passions, a plan for a career. What career will I even be allowed to have? These thoughts often antagonize me.

I look to my left as a lay on my bed at the snow falling outside my window. I remember a time when I was a little girl laying awake in my bed hopping for a flurry, a white blanket to make everything look beautiful and so I can stay home from school that day. Nothing was more exciting than when I started to see the concreate outside my porch start to accumulate snow. I miss being that excited.

Its been almost a year now, they closed down the school buildings when the pandemic started. They even shut down our home towns. This house echoes with the fear and isolating silence that no one is allowed to talk about, but I know that we all feel it. Mom and Dad often fight not about each other but about the news and politics and things I can care less about. The way I see it is why choose to be angry over things when you being angry about it does not help the situation and is only ruining your mood? But I guess its something to focus on and help the time go by quicker in this quarantine. I often find myself missing school though. Haha imagine, me missing school?

I do my education online now, and I guess I still socialize through zoom and everything. I just find myself missing simple things. Like, getting on a bus and watching the world from the window right before school. Dreaming that one day that will be a world that I can be apart of. Or hugging my friends and them telling me the latest gossip about one of the guys they want to date. Or even someone simply asking me to barrow a pencil and eventually that leading to a friendship.

Now more than ever I wish that I could experience such socialization. In these times I live in today. I do my work, stay inside, and maybe chat online. Isn't it strange how one moment can change everything forever. I wish last year I would have taken the time to appreciate something when I had it. Friends, clubs, school dances, lunch. Now it all seems like a distant memory from long ago. Memories so precious that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

As the tears stream down my face the cold breeze stings my face. I close my eyes and play my favorite pandemic song. Imagine by John Lennon comforts me in these moments. "Living life in peace." What a thought. I find it hard to come by a world of peace but I know that I will make it one of my top priorities to be able to have that peace in my heart, and a deep appreciation for the small things.

I open my eyes and see the world is new, white, untouched. I believe with all my heart that when this happens its a new start, a second chance, a blank slate. I have to cling as tightly to my hope and to the little things. If not I fear I might disappear along with the world.

No, I will keep dreaming, and hoping, praying for a better tomorrow, I promise. I will get angry. I will get bitter and might even change for the worst at times. But I will always keep believing and dreaming because no matter how bad things get no one will be able to take that away from me. Yes, They might try but I wont let them break me and take away my dreams.