My Passion Found Me

I did not find my passion. My passion found me - when I took the time to listen. The entire journey was fraught with skepticism and doubts, with wrong turns and delays. I do not know why, but knowing the self is one of the most difficult things in the world. From whichever angle you start to dig, the physical, mental, emotional or the academic or the hobby, it seems the deeper and deeper you dig, the more it merges with the spiritual realm. The key? To continuously search yourself. And to only stop when you know from inside that you have arrived. When you are surrounded by peace, instead of doubt. This cannot be taught as the answer is different within each one of ourselves. It is a journey each one has to embark on their own, once you permit yourself to proceed. 

The passion within is deeply linked to a profound sense of unfulfillment or angst, one that does not relent or rest. You feel there is an emptiness to fill, its edges hazy and undefined, its reason ever-evasive, but of its existence you are sure. A passion that seems to have a power of its own, when allowed, to unfold within you. Through a mundane issue, I discovered holistic and alternative medicine. When my babies were a couple of months old, they would frequently fall ill. The search for better immunity led me down a rabbit hole, and I ended up in the realm of God, oneness and spirituality. When I began, I did not know that the tip of the tail dangling in front of me was attached to a hidden, ginormous God-head. This kick-started the craze to try various healing modalities - it seemed like the grass was always greener on the other side. Every method did help me in my journey, in its own incomplete way, like the parts of a puzzle. 

I always have goals, some milestones to work towards in my head. However, I never know what plans my passion has and if they always aligns with my own. What I do know is, when I listen to it, my best-laid plans almost always get waylaid. I found the crowning glory of my passion in Ayurveda. A subject that previously had never interested me, and was off-putting for me at the outset. However, when I reluctantly joined the course, as I was directed towards it time and time again, I knew it was the one. All the internal clamouring and questions simply quelled. The story of how I eventually came around to it is strange as well. I had gone to see a movie by myself after a big fight at home. It was a two hour solo session in order to sit in my sulk and I had no plans of really watching the movie. But unfortunately, or fortunately, my intentions were derailed as the movie was very engrossing. While watching it, I heard a voice urging me to "learn Ayurveda". I still remember jumping out of my skin, and looking around to see if a real person had spoken. 

When you allow yourself to flow, it takes you where you need to go. And you know you have arrived when you stop seeking, and start giving and sharing. People I had not heard from in twenty to thirty years wandered out of the woods to reach out to me and share their issues. I would naturally offer advice in passing that perhaps could guide them around their daily life. For the most part, I would not even have the intent of helping. Sometimes, years later, a person would reveal how a casual conversation had offered them the window to resolve a block, to heal or to move forward. Then I realized, life can be viewed through two perspectives: either you manipulate it to suit your desires, or allow life to lead you to fulfill your true needs.  The latter needs a lot of courage and trust. Not blindly or wildly or hedonistically, but by intently listening to hints of insight offered under blocks and blocks of unyielding silence and inner work. 

I have completed a major leg of my journey. I know this because of how I feel inside. I have collected, developed and mastered some of the tools which helped me with my own centering. Now I can employ this experience to help others who are working on their own inner journeys.

A consultation is a very helpful first step. However an inner passage takes time and fine-tuning along the way. I would like to design a four to six-week educational and experiential course that members can undertake to process their inner layers. The best place to start, and stop, is with emotions. That is why I have titled this program as “Emotional De-stress Lifestyle Therapy”. The inward journey begins with angst, confusion, stress, agitation and ends in acceptance, peace, faith, balance and clarity.

My passion and I, we have a relationship. I start, think, proceed, lead but it almost always supersedes me. Now I don’t worry too much, I do my part, and then trust the rest away. I like to joke that there are three parties in my life: my destiny, myself and my mind. I am the passenger and my mind thinks it is driving, but destiny is laughing all the way to the end.

(The poem below is a reflection on the journey.) 

I Am Lost

Before I found myself

I know I am blessed, but do not feel it?

I am searching, but cannot find it?

It is silly, I have everything!

So why this disconnection?

I have the choice title at my job from 9 to 5.

The latest BMW I do drive.

I have been to Paris, Rome and New York,

and still could not find all my pieces?

I went to the raving retreat,

with Tony Robbins on the lead,

I followed swamis of love eat and pray.

So why do I keep on looking?

Then one day I had a talk with a dear friend.

A snippet, a chat and a dream from the heart;

this time I paused, I really listened.

And in the silence I found the clue.

The bits and parts of wise gurus,

from the teachers hidden here and there.

Patiently I patched them up.

And slowly, slowly found, what I was missing.

Now the dreams do not disturb.

The intrusive heart is, finally dormant.

I forget what it was, that I was searching?

Now I am simply living.

Namaste Namaste!

To all hidden mentors, that were merely passing by.

That paused to my query and showed the way.

(Dedicated to my Reiki Teacher - Elizabeth Galbraith)