My Little Happiness

It has been over one year since I left that eerie house. If I was to describe myself as a person from that year, it would be something like this: "A feeble simple minded peacemaker" Though I still think I have those qualities in me now; stronger that is. The me from a year ago is the me now, but more complex.

I was always waiting for someone to come and take me out of my dark world of weird fantasies and imaginations. Little did I know that the world is not that simple minded like I am. I let the world choose the person I needed to become. I let the world slowly hold me in their grip as I was expecting something edifying for my soul. I am simple minded, remember?

I always cringed at people for writing new years resolutions. But here I am doing exactly that--in hopes of getting closer to happiness. I want to better myself by becoming stronger mentally. I decided to write a letter to myself. To let go of my trauma, mistakes, fears, and start new.

Dear Zoya,

To the simple and generous Zoya: We have already spent 21 years together. But I still do not know you very well. So I plan to get to know you better starting now.

For all the times I put others before you, I am sorry. You were always apologetic to others, even when it was not your fault. Don't be. Let go of the unnecessary guilt. You have done your best, Zoya. When it was time to eat, you prepared food with all your might and gave away your share for others. I am sorry I did not value you enough. You always paid attention to people and no-one did the same for you. I am sorry for mistreating you. There were times where you could have spoken up and let your voice be heard, but you didn't. You stayed quiet with the thought of others. I am sorry for making you feel small. I am sorry I made you work so hard. It must have been tiring for you. You probably wanted to cry.

You decided to marry at a young age without any second thought. It was a careless decision and it did not end well, but you made it to today. That is what matters. You never thought the person you married to would turn out to be a narcissist. You adjusted your likes and dislikes to satisfy him. I am sorry I made you feel as if that was the only way to survive. For all the times he mentally abused you and stripped away your rights, I am sorry. I am sorry for locking you up in a dark room and forced you to fight away the demons yourself. You have been through a-lot. But Zoya, don't beat yourself over this mistake anymore. You were young and immature. It was not your fault that the marriage did not work out.

For all the times you took the anger out on yourself, I am sorry. You starved yourself and cried yourself to sleep. I am sorry I thought of that as an escape. All these times no-one cared to ask you how you were feeling. No-one came to save you. You ended up becoming lonelier and lonelier. I am sorry.

Even though nothing went your way, you put up with everything with a smile. Thank you for staying strong, Zoya. That is why I want you to be happier now. Forget about yesterday and live for today. Live everyday with the thought of a better future. What is there you want to do? You're dreams and aspirations? What do you like? Find the answers again. You definitely have to Zoya, okay? You got this! Be strong and victorious until the end.