My Friend Caroline

The Christmas I thoughtlessly passed out lottery tickets to my then-girlfriend’s family I had no way of knowing that choice would alter the course of my life. Her parents had assumed guardianship of two teenage cousins who had lost their mother a few years prior and whose home-life had become increasingly untenable as their father’s grief and addictions consumed him. Unexpectedly, Caroline, fifteen at the time, won $5,000 on a scratch-off, which she graciously split with me, and for a while this was merely a funny anecdote, as she and I had nothing in common and little reason to engage.

A few years later the family asked me to talk to her, as she was struggling and “had always liked me.” I reached out and soon realized that she was a complex person possessed of a fierce intelligence dealing with traumas beyond the scope of my imagination, but I did my best to merely listen to her, and so the most significant friendship of my life began to form. She was in nursing school when her father succumbed to his demons, and at this point it became clear to me why she had decided to dedicate her life to medicine and helping others.

Over the next decade I watched her evolve into a tremendously capable registered nurse, who traveled to South Africa to deliver babies at an under equipped facility, and built her resume in the trenches of Baltimore’s highly-regarded Shock Trauma center. Having read cards and listened to voicemails from her patients and their families, it became evident that despite her own issues, and perhaps because of them, she had become a vector of goodness in the world, but still she longed to do more.

Graduate school was no easy task, but she emerged from it with a doctorate and switched gears, now a psychiatric nurse practitioner with a focus on trauma-informed care. I sat in my car and nervously tried to distract myself while she passed her medical board exam. Each time I have thought I could not be more proud of her I have been wrong. After that she began working with an underserved patient population at a shelter, and truly hit her stride, as her understanding of the traumatized mind comes not from textbooks, but from experience.

Having a front-row seat to her evolution has been an honor, and seeing how far she has come has been an inspiration. When Caroline graduated, her mentor gave her a necklace representing that her achievements are three standard-deviations removed from the expectation based on her background. Again, I think her success comes not in spite of those odds, but because of them. Though her patients may be unaware, she is in the fishbowl with them.

Through my own struggles, I have been truly blessed to have her in my life. I have never met a person more passionate and knowledgeable about mental health, and as I have progressed on my journey to wellness she has been a constant presence, able to shed light on various aspects of my existence and help me with the hows and whys along the way. I credit psychedelic therapies with saving my life and it is no coincidence that this is what she is most passionate about now. Ketamine changed my world, and now she is on a path to change the world.

Caroline looks like an angel and contains multitudes. She is unlike anyone I have ever known, and it has been an honor to not just watch her evolve, but to be part of the support system which has facilitated her evolution. It is with pride beyond measure that I am able to feel like this story, which began with a lottery ticket, has progressed to the point that these efforts will truly make the world a better place.