My Experience With Anorexia

The mirror showed a reflection that wasn't my own.

When I first read the opening line for the Shattered Mirror challenge it immediately brought back memories of my high school years. From the age of 12 to 15 I struggled with a distorted perception of myself.

I can actually remember the day I first started to obsess about my body and weight. I was a ballerina as a child and loved practicing the various positions and perfecting my form.

I was so serious about it that I'd practice in Target while my mom shopped for my little brother's clothes. One day I was at home stretching on our living room floor getting ready to do my ballet exercises for the day. But then my grandma Mary walked in and looked at me.

"What are you doing?" she asked me curiously.

"Stretching for my ballet," I told her proudly.

"Oh, you know, ballet requires a lot of discipline and self-control," she nodded approvingly. I smiled, thinking she was recognizing how much effort and commitment I put into my practice.

"Oh, not you though," she quickly said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "You're too fat to be a ballerina. You'll never be a ballerina."

I remember looking at myself. I remember feeling like a failure. I remember feeling very ashamed, sitting there in my tights and leotard. It was the first time I remember feeling ugly and unworthy. And, it was the first time I felt I'd never make it as a ballerina.

Who'd want to watch a fat ballerina?

Before that day, I would choreograph the ballet recitals for our Christmas Eve parties. I was very proud of these recitals and to this day, I'm impressed I managed to make pretty good ballet recitals as a 9, 10, and 11-year-old. But I stopped when I was 12.

How Did Anorexia Continue to Impact Me?

I am disappointed that I chose to give up that day. I had a huge passion for ballet and I was good at it. But those words really cut me. It makes me realize as a twenty-something now, how much my words can impact a kid.

Anyway, that was the day my obsession started. I decided I was going to lose weight and be beautiful. Unfortunately, it didn't stop with that and it soon started to spiral out of control.

As a 13-year-old, I managed to go from weighing 210 pounds to 170. I still think this was a great achievement and I felt healthier. But, at Church and with my extended family I started to feel like my value was determined by my weight.

People at church started to pay attention to me whereas before I felt like I begged for attention. Every time I saw people at Church and youth group, even the older members of the Church, all said, "Wow, you look so amazing now!"

I might have read into this too much, but I remember wondering why I didn't look amazing before? I remember wondering if God also thought I was amazing now, but before, he was ashamed of me?

I felt so ashamed. And I decided to continue my quest for perfection.

How Bad Did It Get?

I went from being a slob to being a stud. Everyone complimented me and seemed impressed with me. Everyone seemed to accept me for the first time ever, and I didn't ever want to go back to how I was before.

Not so much because I liked feeling accepted. By the time I was 14 years old I started to feel like I didn't really want to be accepted by people who seemed so fake. But I also felt powerful. I felt like they were unable to touch me, hurt me, or effect me.

I never dressed like a fashion queen, but I think this was part of my appeal. I had a pretty hot body, nice hair, and wore whatever I wanted. I think people found my confidence appealing and again, I set myself up to be distant so they couldn't touch me.

I became obsessed with keeping weight off. But even more than that, I became obsessed with losing weight. Every time I looked in the mirror and saw more of my bones, every time I stepped on the scale and lost another pound, I felt like I achieved something.

I was in control. I was perfect. No one could touch me.

I ate less than 650 calories every day. I ran over 3-4 miles everyday. I worked hard around the house, gardened, and was constantly physically active.

My general practitioner told me my blood pressure was too low. I didn't get my regular menstrual cycle for over a year, from 14 years old to well into 15 years old. I remember having to take a pregnancy test before getting a surgery on my knee for an injury I got from playing soccer.

I was so angry because I felt like they thought I was a slut or something. And that couldn't be because I was untouchable and perfect. I didn't so much as eat a cookie, and they thought I'd let an ugly guy any where near me?

It was so much that I was arrogant, even though I might sound that way. It was more of a severe devotion to purity in all forms and fashions. I didn't eat poorly. I didn't engage with men. I didn't do anything that would defile my body.

Eating a cookie polluted my stomach. Intercourse defiled my temple. I was so angry the doctors thought I might be pregnant I almost didn't get knee surgery.

What Changed Me?

When I was about 15 and a half I got a random nose bleed. I started getting them constantly after that. From basic activities, my body would get overwhelmed and start to bleed.

I looked in the bathroom mirror one day when I was stepping into the shower. I just had a nose bleed and was trying to stop the bleeding. Then I saw myself. My nose was so thin I could see every bone. My eyes were dark and sunken. My ribs were showing.

I remember thinking I looked like a hollacaust survivor. I felt like I was fading away and for the first time I started to wonder if I really wanted to disappear?

I always felt sure that was what I wanted. I was so tired of dealing with everyone and everything. I wanted to vanish and disappear. But looking at myself that day I started to wonder if I would rather stay?

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Thanks so so much for reading this. It was really hard to write, having to relive those old feelings. I just wanted to share my experience and feelings so anyone who struggles with this might not feel so alone.

Here are some songs that helped me overcome this struggle:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A63VwWz1ij0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG8_sWlTZaA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiAT6ri2mqg

Thank you again! I didn't intend this to be a medically sound analysis of this mental struggle. If you're struggling with anorexia, please see a medical professional and take this seriously. Anorexia can kill you if left untreated and your life is precious!

Lots of love to all!