Moving on the Board

I wrote this shortly after I separated from my soon-to-be ex-wife, the world was bleak and I was struggling to move forward with my life. A friend of mine said I should write after a few posts from Facebook expressing my feelings and here is a take on the post I made describing the last several months. Hope it you find relatable or helps you with your journey.

I am struggling with the concept of starting fresh and trying to better myself for the future. I am just afraid that I will repeat the same mistakes, am I destined to cause problems forever? I feel that I am being selfish p in trying to move forward with my life. There have been positives like going back to work full time after 18 months of on and off work, finally getting my finances in order after years of being completely awful with money (plus complete stupidity on my part) being a 37-year-old man not being in control of his finances is completely pathetic. I know life's road is full of Potholes and bumps (Like the M 25) and like the great philosopher Mick Jagger once said " You can't always get what you want" but can a leopard (A fat one at that) change its spots?

For the last several months I feel like I have been in a game of Chess with my mind. I started out being a pawn, moving from place to place taking what I needed when the opportunity rose to be swiped in the next move. Moving forward, back, diagonally, and being thrown all over the board. A never-ending game of giving and take, while planning my next move and three after that, it’s been challenging, heartbreaking, and defeating. Now several months later and after a lot of defeat and conceding in the battle for my mind I feel like a King (You can call arrogance or be it Egotistical) for the first time in a long time I know I need to move forward, I can move any direction one square forward but I will only be taken one square back and not moving back further into my mind. It’s time to win these battles and moves forward on to the next battle, no more conceding, no more doubt, no more defeat. I want to play the game knowing I will achieve something, and work towards happiness. It is time to try new things and expand my horizons.

One day I hope to overcome these demons and move forward without causing more harm to the people and the world around me. Also, help people along the road I travel. I have spoken to some lovely people in recent times who have helped me work through what's going on in this head of mine, but I cannot help but feel like I am wasting their time. I am in a far better place than I was 7 months ago mentally but this feeling niggles at me day by day. So I would just like to say Thank you to those who have taken their time out of their day to check in on me, randomly chat, and generally support me. You are the true heroes of this tale for helping a bad guy like me become a better person on this Earth.

For those who read this and somehow relate (possibly understand my appalling writing/grammar) find someone to talk to. Get the help you need. Also to those who know someone who is going through a rough time, check in on them, grab a cuppa together, chat about your passions, trust me all these things meant the world to me and I know it will mean the world to them.

Thank you for your time and hope you are well. Enjoy the little things.