Moving on

Dear 2021 –

I certainly hope your sibling, 2020, is the worst of it. She really had me spun. But now, I am looking FORWARD. Looking at my future, my relationships and most of all, ME. I have had to re-route my GPS many times over the years, and as I entered my 40’s, found myself having a major identity crisis of existential proportions. Nothing I had planned the year I graduated high school ever came to fruition, and while I try to avoid holding on to “regrets,” there sure were a lot of things I wished I had done differently.

As we enter the second year of a massive pandemic that has re-routed EVERYONE’S GPS, I find myself now more determined than ever to set some smaller, more attainable goals.

I have never really been one to make New Year’s resolutions. I have always been a firm believer that even the best laid plans are not always fated to work out. When I graduated high school 24 years ago, I had been accepted for admission to Curry College in Massachusetts to major in criminal justice. I spent two weeks that summer “backpacking” (not literally) around France with a group of my classmates on a school sanctioned trip. When I came back, I spent the following six weeks in an orientation program at the school. It was a unique experience that I appreciated, but it also made me realize that I was not ready to go to college right away. My mother was less than pleased with that assertion. I ended up not going back to school for 10 more years and have not heard the end of it. By then, I had changed my mind about my career path, and had gotten married and had three children. At that time, I was still in my mid-20’s and believed I had plenty of time to accomplish my new goal of becoming a midwife. Fast forward again another 18 years – my kids are all adults – two with their own families – and I have gone through more tragedy and adverse circumstances than one human should have to endure. During these 24 years, I realized that while it may be fun to wax poetic about New Year’s resolutions, even the most well-intentioned plans may not be where the path of life takes you.

I think we can all agree that 2020 was a hell ride we are all ready to get off. The entirety of last year was fraught with more tragedy and human suffering than I have seen in my lifetime. My family and loved ones have been VERY lucky to not have seen Covid up close. But on a smaller level, I have realized a great many things about my path and recognize some changes I need to make… and soon. These changes involve a few things: personal growth, physical changes and one major undertaking.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been through some trauma in my life. All of it varies in type and circumstance, but all of it has shaped who I am today. One, of utmost importance, and currently underway, is a lifelong struggle with body image and weight. I do not claim to have body dysmorphia, nor do I place my worth in what my body looks like. As such, I have never raised my daughters to see themselves as anything other than beautiful, no matter what they look like. Similarly, I raised my son to believe that women are beautiful, no matter their shape, size, stature or color. However, this year, I reached my highest ever lifetime weight: 250 pounds. I have carried and birthed five children, and I was never this heavy. I think back to when I was 17 and weighed 160 pounds, thinking how fat and disgusting I thought I was and look at myself now and wonder how I could have ever thought I was disgusting. I look in the mirror now and just cry and think about how much I wished I weighed 160 pounds. So, when I hit 250 pounds during the EPIC year of 2020, I said, “No. No more. I HAVE to do something.” I have watched myself consistently gain weight almost non-stop for 18 years. I weighed 170 pounds in 2002, and I have now reached 250 pounds. I never saw it coming. I always thought that I do not have a bad or negative relationship with food. I do not binge on high fat foods, or fast food, or junk food. Regardless, I took the leap to have a consult with the bariatric program. I have 12 grandchildren; I am blessed with really no health concerns and I am a young grandmother. I want to be able to enjoy every moment with those babies and be around to watch THEM have babies. I have since learned that I really don’t have a poor relationship with food and find myself struggling to reach the 1500 calorie limit set by the nutritionist. What really has shown me my power is that I have already lost almost 10 pounds, I am much more cognizant of everything I eat every day and I am determined to make this change before the summer. I believe in me. I have the support of my family and my husband and I am more ready than ever to live my best life.

My next goal for this year is to complete at least half of the book I have been working on off and on for at least 20 years. This book is really a labor of love – for myself. It has a therapeutic purpose: to liberate myself of a lifetime of toxicity surrounding my birth, and my relationship with both my birth mother and my adoptive mother. It is meant to help others as well, as it is written from my own perspective, as a child of adoption. The purpose of this piece is not to showcase that piece, so the details are not important. I started the manuscript before I located my birth mother. I had intended to complete it before I did, but that did not happen. I have since found that writing sections of the book as an adopted kid pre-reunion and reaching that part of myself who had not yet found my birth mother is challenging when trying to write in the past tense. My hope is that if even one person who found themselves in the same scenario felt less damaged knowing how I coped with my situation, then I would consider that a success. It also will be healing for myself, as I process through the histrionics and internal dialogue. I cannot wait to finish it and submit it for publication.

Finally, as I enter my mid-40’s, I realize there is a lot I need to come to terms with. I would really like to find peace with my path, learn to love myself a little bit more, and work towards a few more accomplishments that I can be genuinely proud of. I bought my first car in my 40’s; the next goal is to buy my first house. I feel stronger, I have found safety and security in my life partner and I have the best career I have ever had. I do, however, find myself yearning for us to do more things together, and go on some grand adventures, whenever Covid releases its grasp on the world. And while I know that I have always lived a life of tolerance, acceptance, benevolence, care and compassion for others over myself and a life of love, and have passed that onto my children, I know there are a few more things I could stand to do for myself. I could surely learn to put myself first and do things to enrich myself more. Maybe I will take a class I’ve never taken or finish my bachelor’s degree. I also would like to mend my relationships with my children, as they have been fractured for years now. For now, it will just come in baby steps, as I follow another path I have not traveled before, in an era I never thought I would live to see.