I am ugly. At least that is what my inner critic tells me as she rips my every fibers apart with her judgmental wrath, no inhibitions, no filtration or sugar coating to soften the sharp crisp unforgiving taste of self hatred and disgust. As a young girl learning her place in this world only thru the comparison of herself next to the role model images of what society expects her to become, i could only see the two pictures held up next to one another as a list of differences. She is slender. I am not. She is bronzed. I am not. Her lips are plumped to kissable perfection. Mine are thin, barely thick enough for birds to perch upon as a last resort, only to give their tired wings a rest.
As my mentality and physical stature grew and progressed, not much has changed. i feel the same. I AM ugly. But this time, my focal horizons have broadened. I am ugly because i am real. I am everything. I am all of it. I am the fox playfully dancing; her burnt sienna strands of fur simmering in the sun like a true noble goddess, and i am the same fox with blood stained teeth caressing the jugular of a sinless baby rabbit. I am ugly because i am a mix of all the undesirables in life. Undesirables that can not even be seen to the naked eye. Undesirables that i can not escape or choose to edit from my own sight, as we all do for our social media facades. Outsiders can not see it. Only the all-knowing eye can detect the tremendous weight of pity that is tied around my ankles dragging me down into the Black Sea of self mutiny where even the fish kisses feel undeserved.
I am jealousy. I am envy. I am melancholy. I am rage. I am hopelessness. I am blindness.
I avoid looking at myself directly in the eye, only gazing upon my image thru a lens. A selfie here, a quick makeup check in the mirror there. It is the only way i can avoid turning myself into stone for if my eyes were to ever have the opportunity to gaze upon themselves, the gates into my soul would undoubtedly welcome them inside, trapping them for eternity, and leaving behind two vacantly hazed marbles.
My tattoo choice is that of a self-drawn depiction of the Disney classic villain Maleficent. A woman scorned. A no-doubt physically beautiful creature of the fairy world. Queen of all things nature, protector of all things untouched by man. But ugly. Misunderstood. And unwanted in the presence of humankind.
I see myself in her character. She is a true symbol of yin and yang. She is a walking hypocritical contradiction, as most of us are in our own way. Fighting for the protection and frivolity of the innocent forrest creatures and at the same time casting spells of death and barring up her heart to all slivers of ,dare i say it...Love.
Because as we all know, with Love comes the greatest Fear. Fear of loss, fear of losing the ones you love. Fear of losing yourself. And yet, i drew this tattoo for myself as a reminder that sometimes to experience Love in its maximum potency, we have to live with the fear of being hurt, the fear of reverting to our ugliest state. Only then will we unlock our most beautiful potential.
Although I drew this up a while back, I have hesitated to get it marked on my skin for a While. Thinking about having to repeat and explain the significance of it every time an admirer beckons Was cringeworthy. But I am ready. And I am proud to finally accept and love all of me. The ugly. The afraid. And the Beautiful.
About the author
I’m a tattoo artist who sometimes gets drawers block. And when that happens I work in words. Either way, the creativity’s got to come out somehow or I would surley burst. Not seeking fans but familiar faces are always welcomed.