Loving yourself

To the little girl inside me that cannot love herself.

You are beautiful and more powerful than you will ever imagine. You are a whirlwind of calamity, of unexplained emotions but first of all you are the laughter you bring the world, you are that infectious smile and you are the wonder you hold in your starry eyes. Throughout the years that light will get consumed in darkness, your dreams become nightmares in a world where we are taught that sadness is our default. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry they took your innocence so soon, i’m sorry you were never even given a chance.

I know that your life has beaten the optimism out of you, days where it's hard not to scream and cry. No one ever told you it was okay to be happy, that not everything had to be hard. No one ever showed you what it was like to trust, to love, to just be silly in the moment.

You will learn to define yourself by your hardships. You will learn that by staying pessimistic you are safer, this way you are in control of your sadness. You will become so comfortable in your pain that you fear happiness. At points you will feel so numb and empty you beg for the pain just to feel something, anything. It has become such a normal process, it's no longer an emotion, it’s an addiction.

You will think that the world has left you behind, that everything speeds past whilst you stay motionless and cold. So you simply lay down and watch the process, the waves of life wash over your body whilst you float aimlessly.

You spent years waiting for someone to save you, young and helpless. You read stories after stories of happy endings and wonder when yours was coming. You started blaming yourself, convinced that you weren't worthy. You would spend hours looking into a mirror and picking out your flaws. You knew your self hatred better then you knew how to open your eyes. But if only you opened those eyes past the haze of doubt and betrayal you would see what we see.

A warrior, a being who could wear her scars proudly, who had battled a beast and won. You're still standing aren't you? You’re still hear, you still wake up and you still continue to fight even when it feels hopeless. I wish you knew how much the world loved you, how much beauty and light you bring to this ever dulling existence.

Don't let the world destroy you, try to see the wonder in the small things, even when it's hard. Remember your body is your home, she has done so much for you, been there when everything else has been falling apart. Remember that you are beautiful, you are strong. Your past is your past but it only has the power when you choose how to perceive it. Will you let it swallow you or make you stronger?

So to the little girl inside me that cannot love herself, I'm telling you for the first time, I love you. I will try to tell you more often, I will try to nurture and care for you like you deserve. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long, i'm sorry i abused you for so many years, but i will spend the rest of my life proving to you that you are worthy of love.

I am worthy of love.