Loud As Thunder


Loud As Thunder
Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Good morning! It's 10:51am and I'm feeling slightly better. I'm unsure how long it's going to last, but the weather started off nice and cool as I sip on my medicine ball (ginger tea w/lemon) while on the porch. Not to assume, but since my previous story I wanted to unravel some of the things I spoke on so you don't think I'm crazy, even though we're all a little mad here! (catch the Alice In Wonderland reference lol). On a serious note, when you've been through all that I've been through, sometimes you do need others to be there and strong for you. We all have breaking points, and unfortunately mine had to be within an relationship/situationship. I don't know if I can forgive myself for what the way I've hurt myself, but I know I have to in order to move forward. So that's a work in progress. This is all that's flowing through my mind today, but least I'm still breathing.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had to start over in life, no matter the circumstances and now it's at the point of being 26yrs old with not much to show for it. How many lessons do you need to learn something again that you've already known? That's an example of how some things were for me throughout life, but I don't regret a thing because a lesson is a lesson. We get so wrapped up in the present at times that we forget what we've already been through and how we dealt with it. I'm unsure as to when I became so forgetful, its gotten a tad bit worse I'd say which overall tells me that it's been too much going on. Unnecessary or not, everyone needs that time to digress, heal and put their feet back into the pool of life. So far all I've done personally was survive survive survive, you would think I was programmed like an robot into that way of progression. However, when life takes a toll it not only teaches you, but changes you too. I know I'm not the only one. Can't be. I don't know about everyone else, but there has came a time that I not only wanted to survive, but LIVE as well. I like to believe we all want to do the same cause to live doesn't mean your alive. Just have to take that first step into oblivion, and keep the hope that we live off of (at least I do). If your following, I apologize if it's become like an diary for me, but this isn't and won't be an ordinary open book. I'm finding it very therapeutic in a way, long as I can touch one person is what matters most to me. I'm no writer. Just a man with a story.

The unravelment (yes I made that word up) that I wanted to get into for pondering minds is this.. What's easy for one person, won't always be easy for another. So upon learning that I was diagnosed as "bipolar", as if my anxiety wasn't enough, emotional behaviors that aren't always good comes with that. I thought for a moment that perhaps I been had this going on within me since my accident in 2017, where I was randomly stabbed at an bus stop. I was going to school, and work, had everything planned out accordingly for the day. An horrific case of wrong place at the wrong time. Almost losing my life was very eye opening, but mentally I don't think I've ever really gotten over it versus accepting it. Mostly due to things going downhill since then, which brings me back to what I said about "needing someone to be strong for you" cause I have been for the longest with the only true emotional support from my mother. Now that's only part of my story, and long story short, just stay aware that everyone has their own sad story which is why we have to humble ourselves as well sometimes. It could always be WORSE. I've even been to therapy beginning of this year (rather late than never lol) and it did shed some light for me, as I was holding onto fear along with anger. That's not healthy for anyone so take it from me, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I have chosen not to be a product of my environment as I'm still finding and picking up the pieces of me. I've always done better by myself cause I'm naturally a loner. Not afraid to be alone. Once the night ends, hell yeah, I want my peeps to go home and vice versa. It's just a great feeling having your own, everything to yourself you know? Lots of time to think, just don't overthink cause I've been guilty. There are things I wouldn't think about or have to worry about being by myself cause I've never been afraid to walk away from anything. If I'm not mistaken, part of my zodiac (Pisces) is being an "escapist". So in an nutshell, whether bad or good, I could work on things at a graceful pace in my eyes until I feel necessary to focus on certain aspects within myself. If your no good to yourself, it's gonna be hard to be good for anybody else and that's the truth. All of this is related to the very heart of mines, shattered with pieces of plastic hanging off of it.. I guess I should have tried glue. Who knows, but I do know I personally must start trusting myself again, going with my gut and do whats needed to ensure my success cause time waits for no one.

I truly hope this made some sense and shined light on the previous story cause it's a lot, while life can be a lot as well, but definitely know your never alone. Despite any religious beliefs, as long as you believe in something your never truly alone. Suicide an depression is real, so no need to go that route. We all have an purpose, unsure of mines, but I know I have much more life to live and see. The world is beautiful, so you don't wanna be like me and miss it due to holding onto temporary things or people ect. It won't be easy at all, but with the right people around it can all come back together...

If its not too much to ask though, and you've made it this far, just pray for me. Till next time!

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Thunder Snow
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