Look out the window

It's spring 2020. The babies are hitting the ground running and work is busier than ever despite the situation at hand, all over the world with the pandemic of Covid-19. My parents don't come near us, though we talk each day, and even Daniel has learnt to speak to them through the phone - it's nothing like the snuggles they used to give him, but it's better than no contact at all. If it keeps them safe, and us, then I'm okay with it.

I'm offended sometimes by the ignorance, or flat out disregard of people I deal with through my work, who choose to ignore medical advisories in place or claim to not have been aware that such a thing was even in existence. Use your common sense. Think about your health, and protecting yourself. Take the advice and stay home if you don't need to be out. Renewals have been extended, services can be delayed - there are lives at stake here, including your own and your loved ones'. Even if you're reading this and you're one of the jerks I dealt with recently who scoffed at our chairs in front of our desks that we attempted to use to encourage social distancing measures, I still hope you stay safe and don't get affected by this. I don't wish it on anyone.

It's past my bedtime. Again. I don't sleep so well these days, and an old ache has come back into my shoulder. It used to dislocate frequently, and cause me severe pain. But in 2018 when I became pregnant with Daniel, it appeared to go away completely. Then last night, out of the blue, it came back full force and kept me awake most of the night, along with some anxiety and feelings I hadn't taken the proper amount of time to process.

So when I look out the window right now, it's too dark to see anything other than my own dimly lit reflection peering back at me with tired eyes.

Are you guys checking up on each other? Because I swear, these days I'm just not okay. I just don't feel good. I mean, I don't need anything, other than to hold myself together and keep moving. But I really appreciate it when my friends and family are checking in and asking how I'm doing. How I'm feeling. I need that reassurance right now, when everything feels so overwhelming and uncertain for me.

All the shutdowns and limitations have actually brought me to a sense of melancholy and nostalgia, remembering my social days with friends and family, and regretting that I haven't put more effort forth on that front.

When all of this is over, you know what I want to do? I want to go apply for that modeling contract. I want to write another book and see it hit the shelves. I want to call my friends and say, "Ready or not, I'm coming to get you in five minutes and we are going on a road trip!" I want to spend more time with my friends and family and let the hurt from the past fall away to where it belongs - the past. And most of all - I want to do whatever the Hell I want without feeling guilty or anxious about it or what someone might think.

All this pandemic has done is made me realize just how easily I have taken life itself for granted - so when we make it to the other side - I want to make the most of every moment again. I want to beat my blues and my nervousness, and enjoy every minute I have left. I won't let anyone stand in the way of that.

I'm going to crush the dance classes with my husband and we will compete worldwide! I'm going to breed top class Shire horses. Raise loving companion dogs. Farm speckle park cows - I was afraid of cows until ours started calving three weeks ago. Today, I kid you not, I stood in the middle of our eleven heifers and our eight new calves, dishing water to them and scratching whoever would let me. I'm not scared one bit anymore - I just love our little cows. I will get over my nervousness to ride horses and learn to ride in the open field and feel the wind in my hair. I'll draw beautiful pictures and share them with all the people I love. And I'm going to be the best bloody farm wife and mother I can ever be. But I'll love myself too, and appreciate myself for the strength and endurance it has taken me to get where I am now.

We will get through this. One day at a time!