Live with passion

A lot of us have felt fear of judgment or failure in our lives before, or have been in toxic relationships where our partner tried to control what we can or can't do or how to feel. Have you ever felt afraid being your most authentic self? I have, most of the time. Afraid of not pleasing other people, that others might hate me for doing something they don't like, afraid of that I'm not being good enough, that people can't love me for being who I am.

I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist for many years from when I was 15 until 22. Toxic relationships block us emotionally, mentally, (sometimes even physically) from living our best lives. They try to convince you that you're not only not good enough but you're rubbish.

I knew I wanted to start to go to dance classes, and I was asking my then boyfriend to go together. He was also interested, but still proceeded to become negative about it, and tried to convince me not to go. I had always felt a strong calling and passion, and this time I felt it stronger than ever, but I didn't go for it. I was feeling it might be too late, I had never had the chance to go to proper classes, as I grew up in a village and went to school to the nearest small town. I felt anxiety and guilt for not being able to live the life I want and be the one I want to be.

Some people told me it is too late to start to go to dance classes when you are around 20. But I knew I want it more than anything, and I was afraid it's late, but I was still hoping it's not a lost cause.

For some time, however, I fell into depression for multiple reasons, and I just kind of gave up. I gave up on my dreams and on the thought of living the life I desire.

One day he and I broke up. I was feeling devastated and hopeless. I wasn't happy in the relationship, but when it ended I felt broken and I thought my life is worthless. I didn't respect, love or even KNOW myself. I have felt many times others dictate what I should do or how I should feel, and I'm still trying to get rid of this people-pleasing powerless mentality step-by-step. But before I tell you how it goes, I'll let you know what happened after that. After a few days of devastation I decided to go for a run to clear my head. I was running for hours, then the next day for hours, then the next... for a week. I was running with music on, and I felt better and better and powerful. I started to get over my ex, and I realized how toxic he was, and that I deserve better treatment, and how important is to treat myself better.

The lessons didn't stop there, oh they didn't! Something happened that changed my mindset, and set me on a journey that I'll never regret. At least some parts of that journey.

A couple of months later I was riding my bicycle to uni to do my last exam of the semester, when a car turned from another street and hit me. I flew from my bicycle onto the road with my head towards the road. Thankfully I have a pretty hard head, but still... I had a concussion and lost consciousness. When I came to my senses I didn't remember where I was headed - apart from the asphalt. I wasn't going to the shop to buy milk, I was going to an important exam, and I didn't remember. As I was waking up and heard the ambulance coming, I had a weird sensation in my head, I thought I was going to die there. I even asked the paramedics if I will survive, and I was asking them to save my life. I couldn't think of anything else, but I'm too young to die, I wanna live. I heard them saying: "She's got shock" and "yes, yes, you just got concussion, you'll be fine." I wasn't in a life-threatening state, but my mind tricked me into feeling that way. The feeling of losing my life when I have not been living at all scared me.

A few weeks of recovery from brain-concussion, some bruises and some stitches in my foot later I decided I can't wait any longer to go to a salsa dance class, because I want to live, and I want to live with passion, with MY passion. The school that I had got the recommendation for had already started their course 1.5 month before that, and I was supposed to wait another month for the next one. But I couldn't. I messaged the teacher, and she advised I try to join if I feel like it, and might be able to catch up. So I thought: challenge accepted. I learnt the basic steps in about 5-10 minutes from a Youtube video and just went for it. I was enjoying the class, every minute of it. I was good with the steps, but the partner work was difficult to follow as I just jumped in right into the middle of the course. There were a lot of more advanced guys coming the class, as it was free to go to other classes below our level. Was I judged, at least a little bit? Probably yes. But were they helpful? Yes, very. I quickly caught up on everything and became the most enthusiastic student who was there on every single class, and got shocked faces if I sat down in the social for a few seconds.

I went to an amateur competition as part of our little group after just half year of dancing, and we won VIP tickets for an international festival.

Now I'm 32, and I have been dancing on and off since then, but in the recent years I decided I don't want to give it up ever again. I have taught dance, but at the moment I am improving as part of a few performance teams, doing shows and travelling when possible, and looking for more.

Yes, I needed to remind myself many times over these years to "do it with passion or not at all". By this, I mean life. Life is worth living authentically, passionately, showing yourself to the World as you are. Not as others want you to be. I remind myself time-to-time with this story that going out my comfort zone, not caring of judgments can mean the beginning of something great, something special, a new challenging journey filled with happiness.