A Personal Journey for Women who Disrupt the norm.
In April of 2017, I wrote the posting below about the hashtag I often use: #seekvisibility. It has been a practice of mine. It is both an inner directive and a reminder that my presence, my voice, my desire matters. (see below)
Recently, while talking with a friend, she mentioned that maybe it's time for an update on this practice. Reflecting over the past couple of years (very Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio of me) I've thought about all the ways I cracked open the shell of my invisibility as a woman (a woman of color specifically and all the beauty and experience that comes with), the ways I took the risk to again, over these last two years, I risked saying, doing, being the things that awaken me and disrupt things. Why?! Because above all else - I want to be free and i knew that opening and extension 'pushing out' was the way to this liberation.
There is the stepping out into Visibility and then there is the Reception once you are out there. This reception - is the new experience I'm having.
I've noticed that it has mattered to me how I am received, acknowledged and reflected by other people. I've let it determine what I think about myself, what is right about myself and the situation. I've calibrated my desire to their reception of me, dialing up and dialing back based on whether what I'm doing or saying is favorable or not.
However, what I'm not coming to terms with is that my expression, my view, my clearness, my desire, my tenderness, my depth and even simply the physical visibility of my Being - is not always welcomed. It is often confronting, it is uncomfortable, it stirs and arouses, agitates and angers, evokes envy and dismissal. It invites projection and adoration. I'm experiencing that this thing that expresses through me, rarely lands neutrally. This has been challenging. To feel the sting of reactivity, breaks my heart a little bit each time.
At the beginning of my #seekvisibility practice when I started having these experiences I would just retreat, contract, pull back, soften and be less or smaller. Until a teacher said to me, "once you accept that what you offer is a bitter medicine, it's needed and necessary, the pleasure of making sure those who seek it take it all will show itself. And or God sake, have more fun with it. You''ll have fun playmates." I still don't totally know how i feel about that one but one thing I've gotten so far is that - I shouldn't be surprised if I am met with scrunched faces, side-eyes, requests for less and comfort, attempts to persuade, shame or deny, dismissal and on the more extreme side rage and anger. In these last two years - I have experienced this full range and more.
These experiences have raised some questions as I began to feel the 'ouch' and a protective layer growing on my heart.
I just had a birthday. My favorite thing to do on my birthday is to review the major events of the past year and see whats changed or shifted. This year was HUGE maybe one of the biggest in terms of change. As I started reviewing my year I have become clear, more ever that in this life time I am here to:
✨Live a life of Embodied Desire
✨Liberate my Sex
✨Cultivate Intimacy and a just downright scandalous devotion to God and be a beneficial presence on the planet
✨Be a part of the integration of natural, indigenous, and ancient wisdoms into my modern life.
✨Be a clear, available beacon for women and the feminine - and men who want to love her better.
I do not anticipate that this life mission will be received favorably every where I go. Neither can that deter me because - I didn't pull a card out of a deck for this calling, it landed soft and solid in my heart and consciousness. This must be my focus.
So my friend's inquiry is spot on and I am going to try out a new hashtag. #LiveEvocatively I am no longer simply seeking visibility. Visibility is still a tool of my liberation and to live Evocatively is to now embrace the new spaces that open when something profound, uncertain, different, uncomfortable is evoked in myself and others. To lean towards and not away from, not simply for sensation - but towards the ring of resonant Truth. It is a practice of taking it in, but not taking it personal. Of finding the edge of and riding it but not forcing anyone to come, nor expecting praise along the way.
It is practice of being and staying visible. And not just visible but Evocative, Alluring, Noticeable, Memorable, Disruptive, Uncompromising, Loving, Available, Humble, Kind. Receptive. Sometimes the most challenging part is when I just want to love someone - sometimes good loving is the greatest disruptor and most confronting of all.
It is the practice of laying down the expectation for welcome reception, but effusive gratefulness every time I experience it. It is the acceptance that the beat of my drum may be a little different, I rarely go along with what I'm supposed to, I'm often saying "too much", being "too much", wanting "too much, not enough inline with whats needed.
It is the admission that - I am an intense woman. Intense in my desires, in my feelings, in my devotion, in my passions, in how I love you, in when I feel hurt. I'm much more of an ayahuasca kind of person than jelly bellies. Yet with a depth and steady kind of love and softness that can hold in the dark and light places.
This year - we'll see. I'll explore - I'll share my findings and pose the questions. I invite you to do your own version of Living Evocatively. Being someone who - in your unique way - arouses, stirs up, wakes up, evoke s- images, feelings, ideas, in service to freedom, truth and Love. See you on the Path.
Original Posting, April 2017: Why do almost all my postings have #seekvisibility?
Because for far too long the figures have been hidden, the voices unheard, actions unnoticed, the narrative untold or untrue
#seekvisibility is my practice of revealing the things that are honest and true about me. To no end other than to share my experience, my musings, my insight along the way of this beautiful life. It's my commitment to myself and to those who prayed and were silent so that I might one day speak and take up the mantle if I ever came within reach. #seekvisibility is my personal reminder that what I have to say matters. It reminds me to seek places to be seen and speak - and to stay with it in discomfort. To offer generously but don't necessarily expect it to always land favorably. It reminds me that the receiving of it by another is optional…the mandate for me to always draw the circle wider..is not. I consider myself more a learner than a seeker..but #seekvisibility is not about acquisition or arrival, but more about the reminder that I am infinite in my capacity… #seekvisibilty is directive and reminder. Both pushes me forward and provides something to anchor inside of. I'll see you along the way…