LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

"What should I wear so that they will accept me?" "How should I wear my hair? I'm sure they'll want me now." "Maybe this post will make me look like I'm doing better." The truth is... We've all been through this at some point of our lives. Whether it's now or in the past, we've all wanted to be accepted, liked by someone we like, or just simply loved by those around us. For me, it was "maybe if I never make a mistake playing music, I'll be accepted and people will always want me to be a part of they're project." Although in most cases that is a true statement (because who wants someone that messes up all the time), if we're not careful, that ambition that was once so unsophisticated and sinless turns everything sour. Your demeanor turns sour, your smile is sour, your words are sour, and your presence in a room is sour. So even though you look good on the outside and sound good, what do you think you're releasing in a room? Here's a better question for you... What happens when the lights are turned off, the cameras are turned off, and there's no need to deliver?

People that feel the pressure to perform tend to lack a thing that we call self care. They don't eat like they should, they don't workout like they should, they don't sleep the way they should, and they are just trashing themselves all the time. You may ask how I know this. Well... I know this because I was in that group, and boy is it a fun journey to travel on, sarcastically speaking of course. I started music at a VERY young age. My mother told me that I was singing before I could talk. "HOW ?!?! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SING AND YOU CAN'T TALK?" My answer to you is... I don't know, go ask my mama. I had great rhythm at the age of one and fell in love with the drums, I was playing the piano at four years old, and playing in church a year after that. What does this tell you about me? It should tell you that all I've ever known was a stage. I'm about to be 25 this year and guess what? I'M STILL ON A STAGE. Even though I've always known that I've been called to bring life to people through music, through a word, and/or even through a simple blog, I too had to deal with the pressure to perform, the pressure to always smile no matter what, the pressure to do everything right, say all the right things ALL THE TIME. These are pressures that every leader deals with or have dealt with in the past, it's a normal thing. I'm a person that has to be forced to eat, or else I won't eat all day. I'm a night owl at heart, but I use to have to force myself to sleep, then sometimes I wouldn't sleep at all. I was in a very dark place when the lights were turned off. I felt disgusting when the cameras were turned off because my eyes were glued to a phone screen that displayed pornography. My DM was filled with females I barely knew. I was being who I felt like I truly was, a disgusting player. You'd think that I’d be super tired the next day, not wanting to talk to anyone, just do what I have to do, and leave. If you're thinking that... You're 10,000% correct. What did I do though? I smiled, I talked to people, I led worship, and I screamed and shouted. Well shouldn't I do that? Shouldn't I push through? I'm forgiven right? Absolutely! The thing that made it sour was I never had an outlet. I'm not talking about somewhere to plug your charger into when your phone is on 20%, I'm talking about someone you can go and talk to and express your true inner feelings and thoughts when your life is on 20%. These are people that you trust with your deepest struggles and you deepest fears, but these are also people that will celebrate your biggest victories and also celebrate your smallest victories. These are people that don't tell you what you want to hear, they tell you what you need to hear. These are people that pray for you when you can't seem to pray for yourself.

I didn't have that outlet that I could talk to, until one day I did. It was the best thing I could've ever discovered. At last, I could see a beam of light from afar without being on a stage. I could breathe. I could see. I could walk. I could feel the wind. This became a very helpful thing that kept the light from dimming. The cool thing is, not only did I continue to lead worship, I started leading worship more passionately with a fresh fire that I've never experienced before. This is the life I'm called to. A life full of passionate fire, a life full of joy, a life of a leader, not only to lead, but a life that will be led.

So here's the thing... When the lights are off, when the cameras are off, when the people aren't around, who are you? What are you feeling? What do you see? What do you smell? What do you taste? Then ask yourself "What's the truth?" I'm sure that you'll find that there is a light that's wanting to breakthrough the darkness. Here's a start for you... Find someone you trust, someone that has experience in life, someone that will listen without talking over you, someone that will try to understand you. Feel that weight to perform lift off of you. Then you'll find that it's not just the clothes you wear, it's not the hairstyle, it's not the fancy posts on social media, it's not the words you say, but it's the REAL YOU that really matters. Don't push people away trying to be something and someone you're not. People embrace what and who they can relate to and they respect what they can't relate to, but that's only if it's real. It's time that we let go of the pressure to perform, and we embrace who we are call to be.