Learning All the Wrong Things.

During this Pandemic, there has been a lot of talk about gaining weight and summer bodies being postponed. Body image is something we have all faced and had to acknowledge some point in our lives. It is definitely something I have struggled with since a child.

Society puts a lot of judgment on the way we must look and it has become a determination of self-worth. This causes so many people to do harmful things to themselves when they’re unhappy with their image, myself included.

But let me tell you the story of how I learned to fall in love with myself and my body, from a woman’s perspective. I do wish this experience was more inclusive but my journey comes from my female anatomy. What I hope everyone gets from it, however, is the ability to respect their body and love strong and beautiful we truly are as humans.

Before I tell you of my present mindset, let me tell you of my past.

Growing up, I was always taught what a lady was supposed to look like and act like which absolutely sucked because I was such a tomboy (plus, I am really clumsy). I can remember the first scrapes I got on my knees when my mom told me legs are a woman’s best physical asset and "they" say we should keep them clear, and having scars on them was not cute. I surely was annoyed and was only thinking about how I wanted to have fun but also…. I am clumsy so I can't help this. As I got older, scars started to add up and at the age where I started “wearing less and going out more” I definitely regretted not listening to my mom. BUT scars make for great stories.

As I got to middle school, I had a very awful haircut. The shortest of my life (done at home) and I didn’t know how to style it. I also gained weight and with puberty, the acne came. What middle school also brings is cruel kids. I was bullied in middle school about the most shallow things and that opened my eyes to body image.

It didn't get better when dating began. Now I have to think about when my partner sees me naked. And this is really the saddest thing. I realize writing this I was so insecure about myself at the beginning of my sexual experiences and leaned on my partner for validation of my body. How bizarre is that? Obviously, any horny teenager who had the potential to sleep with me would say the right thing to do so (Note to self, major parenting lesson for future children).

Anywho, college came and I finally was understanding my body. I was slim, have a cute face, my hair was super long. The world was mine, right? Yeah, right. I don't know if it was birth control, "Freshman 15", or the fact that I was now out of an abusive relationship that I started gaining weight like there was no tomorrow. I also was working out and didn’t understand how “gains” worked but, I was GAINING.

Sophomore year came and I went on a diet, worked out, and was under a huge amount of stress; of course, I would drop pounds. But once that diet was gone and I lost the source of stress (and I kind of also lack discipline in workouts), the weight came flooding back faster than my body could process, mentally and physically. My body got all sorts of stretch marks in all kinds of new places and although I normally love the look of stretch marks, the abnormal areas made me very self-conscious. This was probably the lowest time in my body image journey. I remember I felt so depressed about it that it actually resulted in me forcing myself to throw up. I felt so much shame when I had done this and although I knew I was harming myself and that wasn’t the answer, I still hated my body. I felt so stupid and embarrassed that I resorted to that, I didn’t know how I ended up there. Now that I think back to that, I feel there is a normalization of eating disorders, especially when speaking of ideal body sizes in the U.S.A. I actually got the idea of how to do it from a Television show (The show had a lot of backlash for this reason and I didn’t understand why until this very moment)! I promised myself not to resort to that again and it led me to want to educate myself more on body image and help others learn about it and feel empowered in their body. This was the turning point where I decided I was always going to be confident in my image. I was always going to find beauty in myself and others around me.

This, however, is my past. This experience brought me to the true lesson I learned which will always cause me to love my body. And although this lesson came to me in a painful way, I see myself in beauty on the ugliest and worst days.

You will get my present in the second half of this story because there’s so much to process and share. And know that if any of this has triggered you, I am truly sorry and share my experiences to let you know, you are not alone. Stay tuned.

Thanks for Reading.