Just Keep Digging

Have you ever took a look in the mirror and didn’t recognize the reflection staring back at you?

I have.

Her eyes were filled with disgust and shame. The feeling of regret made the hairs on my arm reluctantly stand. I got goosebumps. How could she look at me with such a piercing stare? How could the one person whose love I crave, regurgitate at the sight of me?

Well, here’s how. Let me tell you about it.

I could feel the sun creeping through the blinds as the crips air touched my face. I opened my eyes to what felt like a typical Saturday morning. I got up, put my slippers on, and went to the restroom. As I was brushing my teeth, the door busted open - hitting my back in the process. I spun around confused by what was happening.

She began yelling “What the f**k are you doing? Everyone knows not to be in my bathroom from 10-2. And you should have been making breakfast already. We’re hungry.”

I scurried out and made my way downstairs. I made sure to say “good morning” loud enough for everyone to hear but no one responded back.

“Breakfast is done!” I yelled.

Everyone ate and went upstairs; leaving the sink filled with dishes and empty plates on the table. I started cleaning up, when I heard someone come into the kitchen, laughing and calling me “Cinderella.” Knowing what could happen if I respond back, I decided it’s best for me to bite my tongue. They say you have to pick and choose your battles, right?

Skipping forward, I got dressed for the day. It’s hard to find clothes that actually fits. But I finally found something called “Skinny jeans.” And let me tell you, they actually fit! I swear once I discovered skinny jeans, I wore them everyday.

I was happily laying in the bed, and I heard someone scream my name.

“JENETTA.”

I run out the room. And she says “what the hell do you have on?”

“I have on the clothes you bought me.”

“Well you look like a slut. Take that s**t off.” She then proceeded to spit on me and rip my clothes off .”

Those closest to me spewed unkind words constantly. It got to a point where I would start my day with a shot of hatred and went about my day.

I hated waking up everyday.

I hated myself.

I hated what I saw in the mirror.

I hated myself for allowing people to treat me this way.

I hated whatever part me deserved to be treated this way.

I hated everything.

Including being alive.

After years of hearing them repeat “You’re nothing and will never be,” “You’re ugly,” and “No one will ever love something like you,” it starts to seep into your bones. Until you are the embodiment of self hate.

I carried this hurt for years. It weighed heavy on my confidence and my aura began to wreak of insecurities. My cuticles bled; My fingernails chipped; As I began to dig myself out of the hole they buried me in. They say there is light at the end of every tunnel.

Just keep digging.

Just keep digging.

And I’ll get there.

In due time.