It's Not You; It's Me

I really didn’t want to write about this today, but it was the prompt I pulled randomly out of my box of journal prompts so I challenged myself to tackle this topic. Writing about relationships that are draining seemed like a difficult topic because I am picky about who I allow in my life so I didn't think I had any truly draining relationships, but as I started writing, the relationship I discovered I did and the most draining relationship I found surprised me.

I assumed the relationship draining me the most was my romantic relationship, or truthfully ex-romantic relationship. For some reason this type of connections is what my mind defaults to when I think of relationships. It always has been a focus of mine since I discovered boys in about the third grade. So, naturally, my mind went immediately to my relationship with my most recent boyfriend. Outside of my marriage, he is the longest relationship I have had and it hasn’t always been easy (what romantic relationship is?). My relationship with him has been filled with ups and downs and a very long break up process that still seems to be ongoing to this day. However, I discovered my relationship with him isn’t draining me. He is exactly who he is and I have always loved him for that. My expectations have changed, though. I no longer expect him to love me the way I love him. I no longer expect that we will work it out and get married someday. My relationship with him is about accepting him for who he is. I give him my love without any expectations of how he should love me back. I know he loves me the best way he knows how right now. Therefore, this relationship is not perfect, but it is also not the most draining.

The most draining relationship I have right now is with someone who has high expectations of me and then becomes overly critical when I cannot meet those expectations. Compassion and empathy are reserved for others, but not for me. I feel like a failure and I am not good enough when I can’t maintain a certain level of success. This person is trying to do better to treat me better, but it has been a long and turbulent process. You see, the most draining relationship I have right now is with myself.

However, I do feel this relationship turning around. I recognize that I have set some pretty challenging goals for myself and when I don’t reach them or don’t feel like I am getting any closer, I can be very harsh. My self-talk will remind me of all my limitations and weaknesses to the point that I’m asking myself “Why did I even think I could do this?”

My discovery when reflecting on this relationship with myself is that I have changes I still need to make. I need to be more compassionate and empathetic with myself. I really am doing the best I can and I need to recognize I will not be in this place forever. My history has proven I am too motivated and strong for that. I need to have patience and focus on the little changes I can make today that will make a big impact on my future. In James clear’s book “Atomic Habits,” he talks about habit stacking. I need to only improve my habits a little at a time by layering one habit on top of another habit I already have. For example, in my morning routine, I wake up, make my coffee, write in my gratitude journal and then meditate. After meditation, I check e-mails, Facebook and Instagram before I get into the shower. Instead, I could slide the habit of writing for at least ten minutes after meditation. To make this happen I just need to hit my snooze button one time less than I do now. Already, this plan is working because I’m writing this after my morning mediation. I have read that it takes sixty to ninety days to create a habit, but here is to day one for building this new habit! May my future unfold one day at a time while I handle myself with grace and compassion as I continue to work towards my impossible, yet achievable, goals.

Your turn. How is your relationship with yourself? What areas can you be more compassionate and forgiving? Write it down and see what you uncover about yourself.