Isolation

Have you ever felt alone? Have you ever felt lost? Maybe so lost in you thoughts that you don’t know what is real and what is fake.

For me, being alone is never a good thing. Sometimes I would make up stories in my head. They would consume me day to day. Some of the stories I made up has made me believe that I deserved to be alone. I thought, “Why would anyone like to be around me.” I would think why would anyone love me.

Turns out though that sometimes people see who you are for you. In my life I have had to have so many people to tell me that I am beautiful. That I am smart or even worth fighting for.

Sometimes it took many times for people to tell me such nice things a out myself. There were, and even still now times that I don’t believe what they are saying to me. My isolation has gotten so strong that I don’t want anyone in my world except myself and my son.

Isolation is never a fun thing. Every now and again I find myself wanting to put myself there. I ask myself, “Why?”

To answer the why for me it’s because I haven’t had the best of time trying to get alone with other people. Sometimes you have to work with someone and you have to be nice. If I didn’t work than I would totally be in isolation. I never talk to people outside of work unless I either know them or have a personal relationship.

Having a personal relationship with either a co worker or anyone else doesn’t mean sexually. I know for a fact that people just need to know that other people care. And for me I call that personal. If you just want to make sure someone is ok or just wanting to say outside of work than it becomes personal.

There have been times when I have been so isolated that once I was in a crowed place I feel so small. I feel like I can’t breath or even turn around. I usually stay to myself. There have been times when I even looked like a person that you didn’t want to be friends with.

I remember in high school, not a lot of people would have wanted to tall to me. It was because I was a butt head. I wanted me to myself and no one else. The hardest part was to come to find out that sometimes even your closest friends can make the hardest impact on your life.

Thank goodness for some co workers though. I know for a fact that if a co worker of mine didn’t step out of her comfort zone to ask me for a cig I would have never meet her boyfriends brother.

I am now in a happy relationship. He has saved me from a lot of isolation and destruction. I was going through a really ruff patch. Nothing serious like drugs or anything. It was mostly guys that didn’t really want me for who I was.

To be completely honest sometimes you do need to isolate yourself for a little bit. You do need to have some you time. When it gets to a point of doing nothing and thinking like you don’t have anyone. That’s when you just need to hang on. There are other people that feel the same exact way. There are people that can help you through your struggles. You don’t have to give up. Just keep your head held high and getting moving.