Islands and Drawbridges

Let’s be honest: this pandemic has f*cked with us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We’ve had to learn a new normal, and learn that some aspects of our old normal just were not working. We’re living through a public health crisis while also living through a social justice movement (remember that Black Lives Matter, and to ARREST THE COPS THAT MURDERED BREONNA TAYLOR). Through this time, I’ve also started attended my masters program while working two jobs, moving in with my partner, and just trying to survive. I’ve been reflecting on my life a lot lately with everything going on, and I’ve been trying to build myself up lately – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. A few things that I’ve started to do is listen to podcasts and reading.

I have been a fan of Dr. Brené Brown since my time in my undergraduate program. She resonated with me when we were made to watch her TED Talk about vulnerability and shame. I felt it would be beneficial for me to listen to her new podcast to fill up my cup. Her podcast, Unlocking Us, dives in to humanity, and challenges us to find our true self. She has an episode in which she has author Glennon Doyle on, and they talk about Gelnnon’s newest book Untamed. One aspect that was discussed about self-care was the idea of “drawbridges”, and you being in charge of letting things in to your life, or having your “drawbridge” up and not allowing that thing affect you. I have had to implement this idea of “drawbridges” in my life recently, especially as it comes in to my relationship with my same-sex partner.

My partner and I have been together now for over 10 months. We met over Tinder, and talked for a few days before we even decided to exchange Snapchat names. He was the first one to send me his number, and feeling a sense of comfortability, I sent him that first message. We texted for a while before agreeing to FaceTime each other late at night. I had work early the next morning, and had internally agreed to only talk for maybe 30 minutes. That 30 minutes turned in to a 4 four conversation. The moment I saw his face, it felt like he had entered in to my life for forever. His presence filled the room, and my entire apartment, even though he was through a phone. We talked about life, music, politics, books, movies, and everything in between. I had never felt as seen and heard before after talking to a guy for the first time.

After that talk, we had decided that he would come to my apartment the next evening. September 28, 2019. That was the night my life changed for the better.

Since that night, my life turned 180 degrees. He challenged me to love myself more while he developed a love for me. He curated this feeling of caring and loving for someone else that I’ve never felt before. He was the first guy I ever had feelings for that I made the relationship public. I did this because I loved him, and I am continuing to grow in that love with him. While all of these things were happening, I was feeling good about myself and where our relationship was going. That’s when things started going downhill.

I never thought I would be getting hateful feelings towards me and my boyfriend. I’ve had friends and family send me texts or messages over social media that just incite fear and hate. They tell me that they’re not going to see me and my boyfriend together. They tell me I’m “living in sin” and going to hell. They tell me that our relationship is not going to last because we’re a gay couple.

All these things were coming in at once, and even more so when the COVID-19 pandemic started. I was being hitting right and left in the face, and I felt like I had no control over the situation. Anxiety and depression were weighing on me. They was affecting my relationship, my work ethic, and my overall attitude with others. It wasn’t until I heard the aspect of “drawbridges”, and putting that in to practice, that I started feeling better.

To put this visually, you have your own island. Your sacred place in which you can be you, without regard. This is the place in which you hold your inner happiness at its core. You have the power to put down the drawbridges in to your island to allow people in to see you. On the flip side, you also have the power, and right, to pull your drawbridge up and not allow those on your island.

On my island, there is me, my boyfriend, and our dogs. That is where I feel most home. That is where I feel most whole. And I’m not allowing people on this island that are not adding to it. I’m not allowing people to incite their fear or hate on this island. And I’ve started telling people this. I’ve made it a rule of mine now that if you want to see me, you must meet my boyfriend with me first.

I’ve been getting a lot of push back on this rule. “You should think about how this affects me. I want to see you.” is a popular response with most. At first, people were making me feel guilty about this. But then I came to the revelation that I am not going to compromise my self-care, my happiness, or my love to fit someone’s fear or hate towards me or my relationship. I can love you from afar, but you’re not allowed on my island with even one ounce of fear or hate.

After this practice, I surrounded myself and started to talk to people that supported and loved me, along with my boyfriend. I started to be myself again. I’ve been able to lean in to my relationship, and grow along with my boyfriend. I’ve developed my own community on my island, and it’s wonderful.

This was not the easiest practice to put in to place. I cried – a lot. I needed a lot of junk food. Loneliness was present without my previous connections, and I felt like I was slipping away from my own identity. But, without me even realizing it, my community had my back. They were there for my support. They were cheering me on, and allowing me to explore this new life without my previous people.

As I’m trying to wrap this up, I have to admit that I’m not really sure where this goes from here. I’m still learning and loving aspects about myself every day, and that would be my challenge to the person reading this. Learn what will bring damage to your island, and bring back those drawbridges without regret or regard.