Is it Loneliness or Something More?

When time reaches a darker state I am already asleep. Dreaming of waking up to a better place. No, not the after life but a better place in the community in which i reside in. A place that is sweet. A place where the people don't hate them self and their fellow peoples. A safe place that can be created by you and me. This entire time I have been fighting loneliness. Maybe even something more than that.

Something that stops me in my tracks when I'm on my journey to reaching a deserved state of happiness. It's something that plays with my outlook on life. Some days i love the world and want to stand on top, then on others i feel below it and want to hide from it all. I want to be understood. I wish to be understood. So much to the point where I could scream to the void and then on carry on with my life. I don't know what to do for my life.

My existence is afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of being me, afraid of facing more difficulty, afraid of never changing. Who know's how to give me confidence? Who know's how to vanish my insecurities? Who know's how to make me love myself? Who know's how to keep me safe? Who know's how much I am trying here? Well... who know's?

Because i don't. I don't know the answers to my most troubling questions. I'm in a state of life that bares confusion and hopelessness.

I do not wish to continue to live like this. Who know's the first step? Who know's why people belittle me and pretend like I don’t deserve to see satisfaction in my day to day life? Then since this place is corrupt from start to end. I want to be in charge and show the world some love.

Maybe not some; possibly more, give the world my entire heart and see where it goes from there. Yet for that to happen I just need the worlds attention. Won't these people please come to my aid? I am a fiend hungry for peace in this place I call home. Its a difficulty carrying around a body that has been dead-in-the-head longer than socially accepted. I need to be saved.

I want to be saved. Realistically though the only saviour that can save me is myself. It's a fight and a half. An all out war once you consider how much you need to surrender to then go and benefit from it. I know we have all made mistakes but for some causing a mistake creates a panic in the condition of doing something wrong.

Feeling wrong from doing wrong can mess a persons head up. Its something not talked enough about. Many deem perfection as a far fetched idea. Although perfection could be considered as a characteristic, we must admit it can exist and certainly those working on being perfect them self, they have it in them to reach such a state of ease.

Its very much of a beautiful happening that needs to happen more. I've tried to keep trying but my attempt isn't powerful enough to actually show the world what i have to offer. All I have ever wanted is to be loved. Maybe if i fall back and take my time to notice my secret admirers I would know what its like to have been loved from a distance.

Being loved up close and personal is a fantasy i want to feed into. Not only to be loved but to give love back. Genuine, raw, and sweet loving. Something so pure. Something so needed. Something I'm sticking around for. But could loving be a problem? Could my fears be the reason why i push everybody away?

Is it my fault that i can't believe those that love me when they say they love me? Now because the world is under attack we must understand that there are no sides, there are no teams, there are no allies. It’s a living free for all and for all we are about to be set free.

There is a case of disbelief in the cause of wanting everybody to be free. Many don't agree that we deserve it. They see a side of life that most just do not care. They don't care for society troubles, global issues, or for peoples personal trauma. I mean it makes sense to not care when its not you or your life so you don't completely know to care or be there for that person.

But making this subject loud; it is more than an on key type of way to just care for people and what they're going through. Instead of just ignoring or brushing things to the side that then causes those who keep trying to then slowly give in and fall into insecurities. That’s no way to live. To be lonely and then on the rest. It is loneliness but also something more.