In Our Darkest Moments

Things are bad right now... I'm not sure how else to deal with it besides writing. It's like I've been beating my head against the wall trying to figure everything out and with no result. I miss my little girl, so much; I never imagined I could miss anybody like I do her in my entire life. The scariest part should be that I have no idea when I'll see her again. But It's not... the scariest part is I'm not even sure I deserve to any more. After Greta left, I became so self destructive I don't recognize myself anymore. Now I wonder if I will ever get back to who I used to be. Should I do that in the first place? Or should I be trying to use this tribulation as an opportunity to evolve into something new? The bigger question is can I? Or will I let this darkness consume me? I can hear the calling, the urge to just quit and leave this entire world behind. Anything to ease the pain of having literally lost everything I really care about. If it were not for that little girl who calls me Dada, I probably would succumb to such a selfish desire. It's because of her that I refuse to give in to those demons. Even though I can feel them clawing at me on a constant basis.

I can't lie, there was a period where I allowed the demons to have a dance with me. Times where the darkness was successful in its quest for consumption. There was a good moment where I didn't think I was going to make it out. I did things I'm not proud of and they will stay with me forever. Sometimes we go into a survival mode and do whatever it is we need to do in order to thrive in this world. Although, all my actions accomplished was speeding up the process of me losing everything. It's safe to say that I am the master of my fate and I am responsible for being where I am today. One of the most humbling experiences I have ever had came from the moment that I admitted it to myself. Usually, I would just shrug it off and convince myself that things were okay. When they weren't, all I would do is point fingers, blaming everyone else in my life. This was a childish approach and I payed the price for taking it. This is exactly why things are as bad as they are today, self destructive tendencies keep my life in ruins time and time again. Sometimes I would think: if she could see me now, she'd say I told you so. I became exactly who she predicted I would become and I can't even say it was unintentional. Even now as I write this, I can't completely assure anyone that that's not who I am anymore. The truth is, it comes and goes, I just need to figure out a way to keep pushing through it. Figure out a way to keep my head up and my focus on.

The ultimate question is how do I carry on and keep marching forward? how can I craft a weapon worthy enough to cut the demons down? I know for a fact that if i am to overcome this defeat, that this is exactly what I need to do. I just need to figure out how. After two years of beating my head against the wall, I think I finally come across the answer. I made an effort to follow the successful people whom I idolize. The Rock has always been one of my greatest inspirations and he holds a high position on the list of the individuals I look up to. While watching one of his ads on Instagram, he said something that really hit home. Six simple words that summed up to what seemed like such an obvious answer, I'm surprised it hadn't slapped me in the face sooner. The Answer Is Through The Work! Right there was the solution to every single one of my problems. If I want to see my daughter again, than I need to work. If I want to be successful, than I need to work. If I want to be financially stable, own my own house, pay all of my bills on time, than I need to work. If I am going to provide my daughter with the future she deserves.... Well you get the idea. There is no other way and even if there was, I wouldn't want to sit and wait around for it. That would mean more time spent deep down in this dark pit of suffering.

There is no more confusion, no more feeling sorry for myself. I know exactly what I need to do in order to get back in this. If I want things to change as soon as possible, than it's going to take a a massive amount of hard work. I say hard work because that is exactly what it will require, not half-ass work, not busy work, only hard work. It is time I stop the complaining, stop feeling sorry for myself. It's time I pick up my suffering and take my life to the next level. It's time I go through the work.