If You Only Learn One Thing in 2021, Learn How to Say No

In the past week, how many things have you done that you didn’t want to, just because someone asked you to?

I’m not talking about your boss, although we’ll get back to them in a minute. I’m talking about your friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors. The constant parade of people that seem to hone in on you and you alone when they need something.

Why? Why do they always come to you?

Because they know that you will say yes.

Stop doing that.

Make 2021 about your own personal health and wellbeing. You know, as they say on the airplanes. Put the oxygen mask over your own face before helping others.

Think of it that way every time you see someone approaching with that, ‘let’s ask them’ look. Put the oxygen mask over your own face before helping others.

The main principle you need to remember is that just because someone asks you to do something in no way makes it your responsibility. It is their responsibility. They just don’t want to own it. If they can slough it off on someone else, they can get back to whatever they’d rather be doing.

What about what you’d rather be doing? Do that.

You always say yes because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or your innate desire to make everyone happy. Except for yourself. You are a people pleaser. And you are an enabler. You enable others to shirk their responsibilities when you take them on for yourself.

There are several ways you can start saying no, depending on the circumstances or the people involved. But I’m saving the best for last.

Because it works.

The first way that usually comes to mind is giving them some reason why you can’t. There are several problems with this approach. First, you have to be pretty quick on your feet, and let’s be honest, if that were true, you probably wouldn’t be in this mess.

The second reason is that, in all likelihood, you are lying. This could make you feel worse than caving and doing the thing. And it puts you in a bad position. The final reason is that it leaves the discussion open to negotiation. They may counter your defense with something else, leaving you with no excuse.

Another way is the delay tactic. Tell them you need to think about it or check your calendar. Tell them you’ll get back to them, but you never do. This is okay because eventually, they will stop coming to you. But it makes you look bad. Instead of the other person being irresponsible, it makes you look so. If you say you are going to do something, you should do it.

So, that leaves us with the last and best method. It always works.

Guaranteed.

Ready?

Just Say No.

That’s all you have to do. You can do it politely, or with flattery, or with humor. But however you do it, take a cue from Nancy Reagan and just say no. There is no argument for no. It’s not a question. It doesn’t open up a debate. It’s simple and effective.

And it’s honest. No. I’m not going to do that.

Sometimes we will get asked to a party or family gathering that we really don’t want to attend. My wife will always ask me, what can we tell them. And I always say the same thing. Tell them we don’t want to go.

She never does that.

When you first start saying no, it will be a struggle. People will be confused. Some will be angry, and a few might get their feelings hurt. But stand your ground. None of those emotions and responses are your problem. The original favor wasn’t your responsibility, and the fact that you are leaving the person stuck with their own issue certainly isn’t your problem. You’ve put things back where they belong.

And if people get mad enough they don’t want to be around you anymore; then they are not your friends. They never were. You want to know how to identify your friends? They are the people that have been telling you to say no for years.

Your real friends will stick with you and stand behind you. You don’t need the rest of them in your life.

But what about family? What about them? You have to tell them no also. You don’t get to pick your family, but you do get to choose how you interact with them. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is, if it is caustic, you don’t need it. Walk away. They are still your family, but you are no longer their crutch.

I promised I’d get back to you about your boss. How do you say no to your boss? Diplomatically. But you still say no. If they ask you to do something that isn’t your job, tell them no. Explain why you are saying no, but say no. It’s possible they don’t understand your job. I was in IT for years, and that was often the case. I had to explain that my job was to keep the servers running, not put paper in the printer.

I gave the same speech to every new boss I had the first time I disagreed with something they asked me to do. First, I explained why I was the wrong person to ask. Then, depending on the situation, I may apply to their sense of financial responsibility. You want to pay $50 for a $10 job? Finally, at the end of the discussion, I would always leave them with this:

I disagree with what you are asking, and I”ve explained my reasons why. If you want me to do it anyway, I will do it, and you will never know by my effort that it is something I disagreed with or didn’t want to do. I will do it to the best of my ability, just like everything else I do. But I’d like you to think about it first, and then let me know.

80% of the time that worked. The other 20%? I sucked it up and got it done. It was a job. They were the boss. That’s how jobs work.

I’ll finish with one other little side note. What if it is your partner? Well, that’s different. At least it is if you are in a good healthy relationship. I won’t go into details here, but I did write about that in the article linked below. Go read that one.

Now get out there and start saying no.