I saved myself

By the time we reached 2020, I was already burnt out. I just did not know what it was, or where it came from. 10 years of hospitality, I thought I had it together by now. Always a plan and path ahead of me.

You see, the business kind of side turned me into something I could not live with anymore. Blouse tucked into skirt, always looking neat while rushing, rushing and rushing in my high heels. Cover the dark rings underneath the eyes with make-up. Don’t cry, because it could wash off. Always a smile, always looking pretty. Meet clients... meet with the boss... type fast, THINK fast.

Do NOT make mistakes.

Every day, I was drowning and resurfacing, drowning and resurfacing. Buried so deep in work I was gasping for air. The air got less and less to breathe because every time, I went under water for longer periods of time.

Some days I looked at the exit sign, asking myself, if there is a way out and how long I could keep going like this. Am I worth anything at all? Am I worth anything when I am not functioning the way I am functioning now? First class worker in a first class hotel…the type of woman everyone wants to see. I was living a lie but I did not know what was happening to me or how to express myself. I thought I became too lazy, so I kept chasing the titles, worked longer hours, smiled more, rushed more but never got anywhere.

I broke down and finally admitted to myself, that I needed a break. Just to think things through, to gather myself, so see what I wanted in life. You normally don’t get breaks in an industry like this, so I did not get one when I asked for one….BUT…

But then the Virus came. And the whole world had time to breathe again and to recover from what ever haunted them. For some people it was good for some people it was bad. Everyone has their own story of 2020 I guess.

When I became furloughed and lockdown reached England, I tried to hide my smile.

But man, I can tell you, I was the happiest person on earth. The sun was shining again, and I got finally out of this freezing cold water I was drowning in.

When I cleared my desk, I knew I would not come back. They said “only for a few months as per government guidelines”. I said, “hopefully forever!”

I am grateful for the time given to me, to rethink what really matters. To rethink my strategies, my family, my future. The reset button has been pushed!

Suddenly it became very important that everyone else was safe. Before that, it was always only about me. The selfishness was what held me under water.

After two months of being furloughed, I decided to start looking for another job. Slowly but surely I made up my mind. After three months from the start, I have seen my position on the redundancy list. I looked at it with sarcasm. Three years delivering good work and service and now I am only a number.

People did not understand why I did not continue fighting for my job. I spent the last 10 years in hospitality, literally studying it, why would it even come to my mind to look at other work opportunities?

Because I absolutely HATED it. The ship was sinking and I was about to get dragged with it, with no energy to resurface this time. All the energy was used up trying to do the job better than everyone else. Nothing was left to save me.

But deep inside there was always something else I wanted to do. It was an idea, quietly kept in a drawer, never to be touched or thought of, gathering dust from the path. Something which is not for myself. But would help other people. Be there for them when they are at their lowest and in their deepest needs. I wanted to get rid of this robot like thinking and smile again. I wanted to leave work, and think that everyone was looked after and not like before, leaving work and do some more work on my phone at home.

I wanted to show dignity again and I wanted to receive dignity and respect.

I am grateful for the chance given to me to change career paths, although it is not going to be easy.

I have been told “You sure you want to change everything now? You are going to be 30 in two years”. It made me laugh. I will be 30 anyway no matter what I am doing, but at least I am spending it happy and helping other people.

In the long run, I want to be a paramedic! I want to save lives and I planning on working hard for it. With dignity for myself this time and without extinguishing the fire which prompted me to do this job in the first place.

Right now, I am carer at a nursing home and believe me when I say, that this challenge is easy for me, because working in a nursing home 12 hours a day, shows what to really appreciate in life!

All the below are the tasks, which cannot be done by patients in a care home.

Carers are here to nurse them, maybe to get them better, maybe until they die.

Carers and nurses are here to make them as much comfortable as possible for the rest of their remaining lives. We are the support, we take the emotional and physical burden and we are proud of it.

Every word is MEANT. Every word is SINCERE.

I am grateful for being healthy.

I am grateful for living on this beautiful planet.

I am grateful for being able to sit upright and to walk.

I am grateful for feeling the sun on my skin.

I am grateful for feeling cold sometimes.

I am grateful for being able to go to the toilet on my own.

I am grateful for being able to wash myself.

I am grateful for being able to dress myself.

I am grateful for brushing my hair and teeth myself.

I am grateful for lifting spoon and fork to my mouth to eat.

I am grateful for raising a glass to my mouth to drink.

I am grateful for making the tea or coffee myself, the way I like it.

I am grateful for being able to swallow food and drinks.

I am grateful for being able to laugh and cry.

I am grateful for being able to see, to smell to feel.

I am grateful for being able to tolerate pain without morphine.

I am grateful for being able to talk to my parents on the phone, whenever I want to.

I am grateful for being able to scratch my skin when it itches.

I am grateful for being able to talk and say what is on my mind.

I am grateful for making decisions myself.

I am grateful for being able to hold a pen and to write.

I am grateful for coming home and be greeted by a healthy dog and healthy partner.

I am grateful for HAVING a home.

There is a message I want to bring across; Don’t be afraid of change. Don’t be afraid of picking up new things. Don’t be afraid of saying “NO it is too much”. Don’t be afraid of taking a break and rethink everything you do. It is better than drowning and ending up in depression.

You can only care for others when you take care of yourself!

You can only be grateful when you know what to be grateful for!

You can only save others when you save yourself!