I got fired

“Please don’t take it personally, but your job is not sustainable anymore.”

One sentence and I want to cry for joy.

Many others would probably burst into tears. So why am I happy? Especially in these times, it’s better to have a job than not have one, isn’t it? Not for me.

I would’ve been pretty stupid to quit myself.

So I guess I made it subtly clear that I didn’t want to work there anymore and it was enough to be in the next round of the quitting lottery.

I probably never would have been able to leave that job on my own.

And so my company made that decision for me. And I’m grateful.

My personal happiness paradox

But why didn’t I just quit, you ask? And why am I so happy?

Actually (the word will come up more often) my job was good.

Actually, I should have been happy. But I was not. At least the last years (!) no more. In the beginning, I was.

I went from an external consultant to an internal manager, which brought a very good salary and other benefits, such as flexible working hours, pension funds, home office, and all that stuff.

In the beginning, everything was new and interesting, but over time it became more and more exhausting and not suitable for me anymore.

Then, in August 2019, it was time for me to go. Should have been.

I was on sick leave for several months because of burnout and moderate depression.

This is not only the fault of the job, but some private things drew me deeper into the maelstrom and I could have noticed all this earlier, because I had been on sick leave for several weeks months before, in 2017 and 2018. But as I was “only” mentally unwell, so I thought it would all be okay if I just chilled a little more.

But from April 2019 on I was also physically not well anymore, I constantly had panic attacks, on the highway, in meetings, during sports. And I could not sleep anymore. In the week before I finally dragged myself to the doctor, I came to a maximum of 3 hours per night.

In the end, everything was due to my mindset. I can say this now without devaluating myself. There were enough colleagues who could cope well with a similar job and the organizational circumstances, it was nothing for me and my soul.

I just noticed it too late or did not want to admit it nor change it.

One point why I could not have taken the step to quit the job was my debts.

I know, for most people it is (nowadays) normal to have some debts (especially study debts), but not for me.

I would never have been able to quit a very well paid job and then maybe not be able to pay my debts anymore. That would have destroyed me more and more mentally.

It was nice not to be fired right away, but with severance pay.

Not an immensely great amount, but enough to pay my remaining debts and to be able to live on it for a few more months, in case of emergency. That takes away a lot of anxiety about how to go on.

Although I have learned a lot in therapy in the last few months (this was the best thing I did, I would recommend therapy for everyone, even if there is no urgent problem) and have been able to change a lot, how to think about myself, my life and my future.

The day I signed the termination agreement was the best day of my life.

I can sleep through the night again and sleep more than 6 hours in a row. I am no longer aggressive all the time and grumble at everyone for everything.

I get up in the morning and look forward to the day. I want to work again!

I don’t wake up with stomach aches because I have to go to the office!

I know it’s the typical cliché — burnout and then everything gets better when you quit. But I can tell you this: I’ve learned from this that I can’t take this kind of thing for so long again. What is “this kind of thing”? It’s different for everyone. For me it was working in a big corporation, draining processes for everything, pointless work.

Through burnout, I have become slower, more relaxed. I’m not as resilient as before (or was it all over the limit before and now it’s normal level?), I reach my limits faster and I feel somehow dumber sometimes. I trust less in the good. It has done a lot to me, my brain, and my soul.

The moral of this story

So I recommend you, even if you are in a similar situation: Don’t put it off until it is too late. Make a change. It doesn’t always have to be quitting as the first step. Before I wanted to quit I tried working fewer hours, more home office, trying to change my areas of work.

But let those around you know that you’re not happy.

And I can really recommend therapy for everyone. Even without burnout.

Of course, I’m very blessed that I don’t have to worry financially, my view would surely be different (even though we have a lot of support from the government here in Germany). But I am relatively sure that I would not let it go that far again now that I am “healthy” again. Compensation or not.

A friend of mine plays with the idea of quitting too. She doesn’t have the kind of financial security I have. And yet she is seriously thinking about it and knows much better than I do, already at the beginning of her possible upcoming burnout (not only after years, like me) that she has to change something and that her salvation is more important than all money.

And who knows what will happen and how long I can keep the money. You never know what time will bring. And I will work hard (which means something completely different for me now than a few years ago) not to have to go into such an environment again. These structures are simply not mine.

And, as a multipotentialite, I now have to choose something from the huge pool of possibilities to earn money. At the moment it’s writing and game development. Maybe this will last a while, maybe not. I am very curious about where my way leads me. But I already know: I am very happy now!