I Feel, Therefore I Am

When we are born into this world the planets take their positions in the sky, having a particular configuration which is unique to the individual in their specific location. Each planet has a different archetypal energy and they interact with each other according to their alignment at the time. These ingredients make up our natal chart, a cosmic recipe, with our own unique flavours.

Whether we view astrology as a metaphorical concept based on ancient intuitive information or more literally with scientific knowledge of celestial bodies, it can be used as a tool for our self-development. This offers us a mathematical means of calculating the intangible which we can analyse and then apply in practical ways. The full picture of astrology is highly complex, creating a very intricate and detailed design for each individual. As with any form of introspection, we need to determine our own truth to avoid the bias of other people’s filters of perception.

What we decide to do with this information is very much our own responsibility. The planets impel but they do not compel, we ultimately create our lives by the choices we make. However, astrology can guide us towards profound insights about ourselves, assisting the process of self-realisation, as well as helping us to understand our relationships on a deeper level. Astrology presents us with a rich and fascinating map, urging us to bring more conscious awareness into our lives.

The sun is considered as a central focus in the natal chart, much like the sun is the centre of our solar system. The sun demonstrates how we can truly shine, it the key to our fullest self-expression. It represents our creative life force energy, our individuality and conscious mind. Whilst this indicates the core essence of our personality, the sun more accurately describes the character we are in the process of becoming. When studied wisely, it can point us in the right direction to recognise our most natural talents as well as highlighting the areas we need to work on so that we can utilise our innate abilities. The sun is a guiding light for fulfilling our purpose and living to our highest potential in this world.

In life, we are faced with challenges to help us grow and evolve. Should we choose to blame external sources and events we are self-focused on our own feelings, but we give our power away. If we dedicate time to our inner work we can become empowered by our experiences, even if we initially perceived them as negative. This liberates us to be able to focus on others without needing validation from them. For this reason, the sun has the capacity to be expressed in both positive action and negative reaction. As we achieve more harmonious balance within ourselves, the better we can harness the dynamic expression of our sun.

My natal sun is Cancer, which is the Latin word for crab. Astonishingly, this creature is a perfect symbolic representation for this sign.

Crabs are extremely versatile and diverse, with a vast array of colours, sizes and breeds. They live in more places around the world than any other marine creature, inhabiting vastly different climates from the tropics to Antarctica. Crabs are found on the coast, almost everywhere in the ocean, some live in freshwater, others live more on the land. They can be found in smoking undersea volcanoes and there is even a crab which climbs trees. By reflection, every Cancerian will also have their own unique expression and way of life.

I will share my personal interpretation of the Cancer sun, illustrating through my own journey how I have moved into being able to embrace the energies more effectively.

Crabs have a very long history, dating back to Jurassic times. This is a creature that carries ancient knowledge in its heritage, even its body looks like it is from another era, or even another planet. In my own life I have often felt alien to this world and would be considered an old soul. I invite you into the depths with me.

A Cancer native is typically known as being emotional, highly sensitive and extremely perceptive. I feel, moment to moment. Not only do I feel my own internal responses, but I sense the emotions of others, the energies of the environment and connect easily with the metaphysical dimensions of life. I feel beneath the surface of everything. Just like the crab which is familiar with the watery landscape and can sense the slightest movement in the surroundings.

As a child, I found this overwhelming. I had to learn to create energetic armour, like the crab hides its vulnerable softness under a tough shell. The armour did not always prevent me from being hurt; but it gave me the ability to hide it so it would not make others uncomfortable. There is growing scientific evidence to suggest that crabs not only experience pain but can also remember it. Additionally, crabs have a habit of retracing their steps. This profoundly illustrates a tendency of Cancer where painful experiences are often revisited over and over again, which can be self-sabotaging if it is not for healing purposes, something I was masochistically guilty of in my past.

As a Cancerian, I find the element of water is helpful for releasing my negative feelings. The crab needs water in order to facilitate its breathing, I too feel it is essential for my own breath of life. I have run in the rain many times, sat drawing or writing whilst underneath an umbrella. Bathing has always been therapeutic, I really feel like I am cleansing my soul. Being around waterfalls, rivers and the sea has a calming and rejuvenating effect. All of my negative emotions can also be released through tears, although this is a part of me I prefer to keep private; quite like the crab, I don't relish being vulnerable and exposed.

Since I never feel separate, my shell gives me a means of trying to assert some kind of boundary, but in hindsight it was really more of a lesson in how to override my emotions with the control of my mind. I developed a propensity to put my emotions on hold and deal with my own issues alone. This helps me to appear calm and think clearly in a crisis.

Whenever I have been pushed to the point where I would no longer be able to contain my emotions I have the ability to think quickly, using sharp words in order to make my escape, attempting to present an illusion of strength instead of weakness. Akin to the crab’s nipping pincers, it served as a survival tool. Most crabs would prefer to scuttle away from conflict, but if backed into a corner they will fiercely defend themselves.

The problem with limiting expression is that we live in a minimised way, hiding not only our sadness but also not fully experiencing our joys. Similarly, the crab tends to live unobtrusively and doesn’t seek attention. I used to lack confidence in my own voice and appeared quite shy, especially in my younger years. My school reports actually said that I needed to ‘come out of my shell’.

Living in the emotional realms it is a challenge to effectively manage the earthy experience. Baby crabs are born in the water, spending the initial part of their life there; they later have to learn how to navigate the land.

This is complicated further with the Cancer sun being ‘the nurturer’ of the zodiac, having enough self-focus can be tricky. It is not really possible to ignore the suffering of others when it can actually be felt. Perception is radically different because I feel others intimately. Even where some may see an aggressor I can often see the wounded child, sensing the underlying energy behind the actions. Cancerians understand vulnerability, they want to protect and encourage others into better feeling places. I wish for everyone to feel ‘at home’ in their own shell.

Home is very important to Cancerians who need a place to feel safe from danger. It gives a means to claim a space for ourselves, somewhere to retreat to and simply be. Crabs will dig burrows and hide under rocks for security and I would imagine they too need a rest from having to be so acutely tuned in to everything around them. Home is not just a dwelling to me, it is my sanctuary. No matter how excited I may be to go off on my travels, the journey home is always welcoming.

Family also bring a sense of belonging, a feeling of home. Yet, this is not limited by the bloodline for I feel deeply connected to all those who play a role in my world. Friends, neighbours, the people I work with, all of the communities I am part of, both physically and online. Distance does not inhibit connection for me and my feeling of family continues to expand the more I explore life. If we look at the crabs they work together, looking after each other, understanding that there is greater strength in numbers. They live in groups called ‘casts’, but some do choose to live alone and find others when they wish to engage. People with a Cancer sun sign are no different; they are quite capable of being independent if they choose to, for they are extremely self-resilient.

Time alone can be very healthy for those with a Cancer sun because it gives the opportunity to emotionally decompress and get fully in touch with the self. People can sometimes underestimate Cancerians, mistaking their extraordinary empathy as a weakness, but emotional intelligence can achieve far more than brute force. If we dive into the world of the crabs we realise they will at times be carried by the water and just see where it takes them. I really value being in my own flow and being able to feel whatever I need to feel. Even deep emotions can lead to enlightening places and inspire my creativity.

Those with a Cancer sun exhibit an active imagination and creative mind. These are vital aspects of my own nature, easily evident to others throughout my life. I have a unique approach in all that I do, with a passion for many forms of creative expression. It is interesting to observe how the crab also walks through life in an unusual way, with a tendency to move sideways rather than straight forwards. Studies have shown that crabs are intently focused on each step. I like to think of the crab as enjoying the scenic route, experiencing the journey rather than focusing on the destination.

Creative energy and sexual energy are very much interlinked; they both are generated by our inner fire, our core essence. People with a Cancer sun live intimately. Emotions fuel passion which is the root of sexuality. Returning to the symbolic crab we find a creature which sheds its shell before mating, leaving the crab dangerously exposed. Removing the energetic armour and opening up is always a risk for a Cancerian; this is where I feel truly naked. In my opinion, there is no greater liberation than that which can be experienced with the right lover. Not only does it establish a playground for expression and connection, it can open a magical door to higher states of consciousness.

The crab has to expand, letting go of its shell in order to facilitate its own growth. A new shell will then be created. This is an ongoing cycle of rebirth and transformation which happens even more frequently when younger. This process of plunging into vulnerability in order to become a stronger and renewed version of self is something which echoes in my own experience too. Ruled by the moon which influences the tides, there seems to be an ebb and flow to the Cancerian life. Whilst I seek a sense of security, I am always being thrust out of my comfort zone for my own evolution.

It would be difficult to have a Cancer sun and be oblivious of the negative aspects of life due to the highly emotional constitution. We may be the romantics but we also know life is not all about pretty sand castles and plain sailing, we really feel the wounds we encounter along our way. I will feel the pain within other people’s stories and there is much that happens on our planet which is neither happy nor kind. Whilst I seek to find the beauty in life, I am certainly not naive to darkness. The crab is a nocturnal creature and will explore and feast in the night which is something I can relate to. Not only am I drawn to the moonlit hours, but I will investigate all that is hidden in the shadows and find a way to seek some kind of nourishment from it.

The Cancer sun is divided into three decans, all of which have different energetic influences. My sun is in the third decan where polarity is enhanced. I have a very natural bright and sunny disposition, but my path seems to be called to also investigate all that is taboo and hidden in the shadow. This decan magnifies imagination and creativity, the former helping me to explore and the latter assisting me to process and express whatever I may find.

Our shadow is all the parts of ourselves that we try to repress or deny, the parts that were somehow not seen as being good or wholesome somewhere along our journey. When we deny the shadow aspects of ourselves we will be repeatedly emotionally triggered until we face and resolve them. The amount of light we can shine is directly proportional to the amount of darkness we have integrated within ourselves. This is why our astrological sun is more about a process of becoming. Our shadow has untapped gifts and we can actually only become whole by embracing all of ourselves.

When I was younger I felt very reactionary, even though I tried my best to hide it. I would enjoy amazing highs but experience devastating lows; life was like an emotional roller coaster. My sensitivity felt more like a curse than a blessing. I was easily hurt and not equipped to heal my wounds. Trying to stifle my emotions compounded issues because many things were not expressed and naturally released. I would torture myself endlessly; Cancerians have excellent memories and a really difficult time letting go of anything. We can compare with the crab that has powerfully strong claws which clamp tightly onto things. What I did not understand back then was that even though I felt affected by external circumstance, most of my battles were actually within myself.

Creative pursuits gave me a means to express in my own way, a passion which has felt as vital as breath to me.

The following quote by Pearl S. Buck in her lecture 'The Creative Mind at Work' sums things up perfectly:

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.

Martial arts introduced me to the ways we can move energy within the body which intrigued me. My endless passion for exploring energy work was born from my own need to heal my wounds and somehow move past being so affected by life. I explored many avenues, became highly trained in a multitude of modalities and then later developed my own methods by combining all of my knowledge and experience. I think yet again of the crab for some will travel great distances in order to birth creation.

Not only did I find a sense of harmony within myself, which makes me feel excited for each day, but I generally no longer need to wear armour or hide in the shadows. Life became magical, with an effortless flow, which takes me to all the right places in the most mysterious of ways. The home I was seeking was within me.

My natal sun is in the eleventh house which means I will shine my radiance with some kind of social influence and humanitarian interest. This is the house of friendly connections and includes groups, networks and communities. At a deeper level it means transcending the ego and acting in the best interests of the collective. My innate sensitivity can assist others in recognising and releasing their pains, using my nurturing abilities to encourage them to acknowledge and embrace their own unique talents. With an abundance of creativity I find a way around obstacles. Just like the crab, I don’t rely on the obvious routes but I know how to move quickly and safely.

Cancer is one of the four cardinal signs which are known as the initiators of the zodiac. Cardinals don’t tend to accept ‘impossible’, they will seek solutions and come up with new ideas. Energetic and enthusiastic, they are easily able to adapt to change. All cardinals have natural leadership qualities and sensitive Cancer leads with the heart. Whilst I can recognise these aspects within myself I had to develop the confidence to forge ahead as a true initiator, moving from being personality centred into being soul centred.

The third decan of Cancer is linked to the constellation of the Argo, a ship of adventure placed in the sky by Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea. This has been interpreted as a guide for travellers. The sun is just one planet; there are more celestial energies which make up the natal chart. Astrology has been one of the tools which I have used to understand more about my own dynamic expression and life path.

Now I use all that I have learned to help guide others home.