I don't believe in hope

I am alive today. Some people say it is ‘luck’. Some people say it is because of my ‘positive thinking’. Some people say it is a ‘miracle’ (mainly my doctors say this!). Some people say it is because I am ‘strong’. And others say it is because I never give up ‘hope’.

When I first started to receive comments like these I would just smile, nod and thank them for their support. I knew they were coming from a good place with good intentions, however I would instantly dismiss their notions. For me I believed that the only reason I was still alive was because of reality. Ok maybe I am also a bit too stubborn to die, but mainly it is because I faced reality about my health. I thought ‘hope’ was as helpful as wishing upon a falling star, or believing in unicorns. Hope to me was empty. I believed that I needed to take positive actions to stay alive - not just sit back and ‘hope’ that everything would magically turn out ok…

My approach to getting through the past few years of fighting for my life was to continue to learn. I would always ask questions about the drugs, the surgeries, the treatments and then I would ask more questions followed on by a few more questions. I would read and research. I would do everything that was asked of me and I turned up everytime. Even when I was battered and bruised, tired, crying and throwing up. I would still turn up for whatever surgery or treatment I needed next. I did this because I believed that the only way I could stay alive was to become part of the solution. By understanding my body, my mind and what we were doing to both I would be in the best possible position of survival against the disease that wanted me dead.

Hope to me, back then, had no place in science, no place in medicine and no place in my thoughts. Today, years since my fight first started, I think about ‘hope’ differently. I still believe that the only way to survive when faced by deadly health challenges is to accept, learn and take action. However, if hope is the driver or the belief system that gets you to do the needed actions for survival - then good on ‘hope’.

I now believe that people need do whatever it takes. Believe in whatever you want to believe in. Because when theses ugly battles bring you to your knees over and over again, you need to dig deep and use whatever you have to get back up and fight on. So if that is hope, if that is believing in miracles or chasing rainbows do it. Do whatever it takes…life is worth the fight..

‘Hope’ is not a word I use or relate to, but who am I to say what is right or wrong for someone else. Life is short. 
We all have our own challenges, especially now in these difficult times. Keep fighting.