How to try your best and (maybe) not succeed

Failing is easy. Anybody can, and everybody will, sometime. Failing? Pfffttt. Been there, done that, many times. You know what's not so easy? Having tried your best, but then still failing. Now that sucks. You've put in the time and the effort to achieve whatever it is you set your mind to, but then what happens? After all the hopes and expectations, you fail.

Like I said, I've failed many things. I've failed job interviews, university admissions, exams, my hopes and dreams, new year resolutions, and probably even my friends and family. It's easy to fail and laugh about your failure when you kind of expect to fail. It's like I'm bracing myself for the worst so I don't get disappointed when failure happens. Anytime a random success comes about, I just get pleasantly surprised.

I guess it wouldn't come as much of a surprise then, when I tell you that I don't think I've achieved many things in life (lol). That's me laughing at my failures. See? Easy.

I think that when you try to achieve something with all your best efforts, you start expecting results. When the results don't come, you start feeling like an actual loser.

When you try your best but you don't succeed - Coldplay

What I mean by this is that by not trying, I am actually giving myself an excuse to fail. Failure is laughable and excusable not because I cannot succeed, but because I didn't even try. And if I did not even try, then nobody can deny that I still have the potential to succeed (Unlike actually trying and then confirming that you don't even have the potential to succeed). It's like the advice that it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are stupid, rather than talking and letting people know you are stupid.

In 2021, I want to look at this fear head on. Does trying, then failing really make me a loser? Or am I equally (or more of) a loser when I don't even try?

I don't fear failing. I fear failing despite me trying to succeed. This applies to things as simple as my skincare routine. I take a weird sort of pride in not having a relatively good skincare routine (cleanser, sunscreen, that's it. And I'm not even fussy about what cleanser I use). So when my complexion is screwed up, I can laugh it off and comfort myself with the knowledge that I could have better skin if I tried harder. But really, inside, I think I'm just afraid that I'm going to have bad skin no matter how hard I try and then, I'd have to face the fact that I'm doomed to have bad skin forever.

Somebody save me from this abyss

This applies to my fitness goals as well. I do go to the gym, and I try, but I don't try too hard. And even if I do try harder on some days, I don't even bother with my diet. My mom loves looking at me and asking me why I'm so chubby (she actually says fat but I'm being nice to myself) even though I go to the gym so much. I just laugh in response and continue eating my bag of chips.

Everything is okay, it's okay that I don't have ripped abs or toned arms because I'm not really trying to get them. I do have the potential to have them, if I wanted to. Not trying is my comfort zone where I can fail and still feel happy. If I tried eating right and exercising regularly, and still got comments like that from my mom, I think I'd be sent spiraling down to the pits of despair.

.

Maybe potential is overrated. Everybody can have potential. "Potential" is what nice teachers write about students when they don't have anything else to say. The thing is, potential isn't real. It just tells you of what could have been. And when you really start thinking about it, potential is useless unless you start working to realise it.

Maybe I'm not a loser if I try and yet still don't succeed. Perhaps trying, and only getting 1% is still better than not trying and retaining a potential of 100%.

So this year, I'm going to say "Screw you" to having lots of potential and actually start trying to eat better and to take better care of my skin. Maybe I'll have abs one year from now. Maybe it'll take two years, or three, or ten. I guess that would be better than having nothing but what could have been.