How to remain faithful in dark times

Life is dark. From listening to the stories of my peers our lives are full of cycles of sweetness but then sour heartbreaks of many relationships that touch the nerve of many parts of us. The tender sensitive parts of you do not know how to handle those outside forces ( they may be the job that you got fired from for being late, it may be the goal that you had to lose 20 pound but you just cant seem to come down, or it may be mental illness punching strong that tells you those words from your childhood that you are pathetic or some devastating explicative) It can feel like even when the sun is out our chronic pain on the inside will not rest, and it makes our lives feel like a cage that we can't escape from. When we feel helpless to the circumstances of our lives we grieve. Ways that I have grieved include:

Throwing myself into my work: I let myself sit for hours tweaking and compulsively applying to jobs and doing homework for school to fill a void. It is hard for me to face my personal life. I am a young queer and black woman, I am petite and have a baby face. In my world I feel like I have to overcompensate for what I feel are weaknesses. For me weakness feels like sticking my bare hand in a blender. It feels like flashing blue and red lights from a police car that tell me to stay still, and get into the correct position to push like a true solider. I bet men and women can agree with me in that putting up a wall against emotions makes us feel stable and like we are not putting the burden on others. Breaking down is not an option ( at least in front of our family members) and our safe places can be in alcohol, smoking, over-eating starchy, or sugary foods, and indulging in risky behaviors. When you do not face those issues that haunt you it can make your body not feel like home. You can let your mind replay those moments where your mistakes popped up and your peers reflected your worst fears in front of you. If you let yourself imagine the worst times in your life, and then it makes you fear that they will happen again. Relaxing into honesty can feel like punching small holes into a firm balloon. It can take time to unwind from the spiritual hits that we have taken. Even if we shrug some situations off, they are always in your subconscious mind. And even the situations that we do not remember can keep us frustrated, and questioning why we can't quite fit in. So realize that in yourself and address those issues slowly that you are combating

Being the savior: As the oldest child, I remember liking to be the "watch dog". I did not lie passively and wait while my loved ones had doubts, fears, sadness, or hardships. Even when I was in elementary school, I remember loving the rush from my closest friends when they would get close to me after I comforted them with gifts. ( an invention of paper rings or encouraging notes) When I would get that smile or hug from being that emotional supporter I felt needed, and like I had superpowers. If you would ever imagine one of the Dora Milaje that " personal guard" for the pay of adoration and being a safety blanket. That emotional release sent my brain up and I found my place in the world at last. Stepping in when no one else does feels like you are carrying a tremendous weight but you keep your eyes fixed on taking off the heavy layers of the other person. So when you feel like crying, you act out the opposite emotion of your heart. And when you feel your legs tremble, you just push through it and face your reality head on. But being a savior all of the time can cause you to reveal health issues. Your physical body may start to act up to show you that you are not loving yourself well.

Personally that shows up in my weight gain. When I was at the place where I care gave for one of my closest friends I was in and out of the Nurses office, my anxiety was so poor that I would check my "heart rate" on a monitor every night compulsively, and I isolated myself or ended budding relationships out of inexperience and feeling like I was not good enough. So, the only person that you need to show up better for and release those pounds of truth and fear are in you. You are your home, so create that atmosphere where your "blocks" show up. If you have a strong communication skill but fear of sending emails find a pen pall. If you are using unhealthy food as a way to make you feel pleasure in your days, figure out what food has done for you in the past, and what you were trying to cover up. Address that.

Having a faith practice now only increases your trust in yourself but also spoon feeds you the ability to share your life with others. Imagine if you shared how much that you wanted to take a retreat! Saving the money, searching online for spiritual, couples, self-love, or family healing retreats could bring you more confidence in that area for development, and bring you to other people that are looking to do that same thing. A life without faith is sad. It is a place where you do what is expected, and you sit at the "beck and call" of authority figures and are not fully in control of your life and happiness. If you wait for the approval of someone, and do not live to make you feel like your number one priority then you are wasting your own time in a cycle of guilt and strain. From experience, your mental health will be deeply impacted by not planting a firm footprint in who you are. You can be left feeling detached from life, and searching for that relief from outside of you to give their nod to you at every turn. That is not a free life, and we deserve better.

When we give up on trying to make the world comfortable for others it can lead to rejection. It allows those without your best intentions to fall down and go away. And even if you made promises, plans, or serious bonds they mean nothing in all reality at that point. When we stand up as our full selves we will be left to heal with those people that have a vested interest in your health, and want you to be the best ( even though scarred and imperfect) version of yourself. You may be shocked at who exits, but what will be true is that you can say that you chose that person in the mirror. You can be everything that you dream for your life. You do not have to give up yourself for what you think others want from you. Take your faith into the New Year in 2020. Let yourself make those first steps, and know that even if you sacrifice your comfort zone for a while a new normal will take its place!!

Much Love to all of my Readers and thank you for waiting for me to come back onto Vocal after many months of a break! For any personal inquiries email me at: [email protected] <3<3<3