How I'm Dealing With A Broken Heart

You know, I met someone just before lockdown and I wasn't disappointed by the man. Smart, successful, handsome. He cared about his friends. Loved his parents. I thought he was essentially a potential candidate for my heart.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I got dumped a couple of days ago. I'm not quite sure that's how it was. You know when you get told they no longer want a relationship and would rather keep the numbers of other women he used to hook up with so he could continue down that path, what do you do? I tried for months to hold on to something that he didn't want. He didn't have time for. He just wasn't interested. And I felt that the more I tried to hold on and talk to him, the further he pushed himself away from me.

I don't know how to tell anybody about how crazy he made me feel. Whenever he would talk to me about his ex girlfriends or how he was 'just friends' with them. How he would make excuses to keep them in his life even though they were clearly his exes for a reason. Am I wrong? He would wake up from having had drinks with his best friend to phone me that next morning just to tell me that he felt like phoning someone up for a cuddle. Obviously, I wasn't an option. We didn't even live in the same city and I don't drive. He said the only reason he couldn't was because he was in a relationship with me. It sounded like he was blaming me for not being able to sleep with other people. I tried ignoring how insignificant and hurt it made me feel and tried to brush it off like a bad joke. But I couldn't; my insecurities about his comments as well as the previous trauma from past bad relationships made me question him and why he even said that to me. His response: I'm being silly and talking nonsense. Okay, thanks for that.

The meanest thing about this is that it's my birthday in two weeks. I'd made plans for us. Beach. Picnic. Since we were limited by the lockdown rules. I guess that wasn't enough for him. That I wasn't enough for him.

I can't be bitter about it. Even though I have this cute little backpack which has a little lemon badge on it that reads 'Slightly Bitter'. Thanks, sis.

You know, I've suffered through so many of the wrong relationships that it's hard to believe that there are good ones out there. So how am I dealing with this current broken heart?

1: I'm writing my heart out. Putting it onto paper (or laptop).

2: I'm continuing with my workouts and increasing my daily walks and runs. They're getting longer, not just because I've found the perfect earphones for exercising (Airpod Pros, thank you) but because I have so much feeling to release I just don't know where to release it, so I exercise. It makes me feel good.

3: I'm bingeing all my favourite animes again. Well, I need a little escape, don't I?

4: I'm reading more than ever and focusing on my beta reading too. I need an outlet for my imagination and picturing other scenarios apart from the ones I recently went through is a great way to help get over this.

5: I'm letting go. I'm not holding onto any bitter thoughts, or blaming him or me for anything that happened. It just wasn't meant to be.

6: I'm creating goals. The focus here is myself. I realised I don't need to worry about loving anyone else. I need to love myself first. That's what matters. So creating goals where I achieve things is far more meaningful than throwing myself into another relationship that might not work out again. Such as getting my first draft of my first novel done. Or continuing to create more short stories or pieces of poetry. My favourite way of having goals is focusing on my creative outlets and my fitness. A strong body, together with a strong mind might make things a little easier to deal with in future.

7: I'm listening to a lot of F**K You kind of music. It's all mainly songs to keep my chin up. None of them have a sad beat. I'm not allowed to listen to anything that can potentially bring me to tears. So crazy house beats, songs that definitely make me laugh, motivate me to move or to create, they're what I'm going for.

Now I know you're all wondering why I'm ranting about this online. You're thinking, isn't she worried he'll see it? Does she even care? I do care. But I know he won't. He would never find anything like my writing interesting. He never really asked about the entire time we were together. I'll be honest, I loved the fact he had so much self-confidence and was a little self-obsessed. Only because he showed me I SHOULD love myself more than anyone else. So if he taught me a lesson it's that.

All I can do now is focus on my future and continue to make plans, but focus on them for me and not to include anyone else in them. Sounds a little selfish but if people won't include me in their lives or share their lives with me I have no need to do so.

Yep, maybe still slightly bitter. But I'm healing. And I hope all the other broken hearts out there heal too. I can't imagine how many times I've had to bandage it back up. But you know what. I'll continue to be nice to people. I'll continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and show open affection for people, even if they don't deserve it. So I'll heal and be happy...that's good enough for me.