How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Writing

Title is a homage to the brilliant Dr. Strangelove.

For the past five years, I've had moments of satisfying productivity. Then, after a week or so, it would fade, and turn into poison.

The majority of this period was occupied by self-esteem issues and a hatred for creativity, for my ideas were worthless, I thought.

The word 'depression' floated in and out of my mind throughout this time, though I quickly brushed it under the rug, never considering the possibility. To reaffirm my dismissal, I had a few achievements that I was proud of - a somewhat successful screenplay produced into a short film, followed by a number of other, less boastful feats.

My main issue was how critical I became of myself. Every idea I'd have, I would shut down without giving it any time to bloom. In the instances where I did begin to develop a new script or novel, I'd make it two pages in before having a full-on meltdown, hating myself all the while.

Despite reading countless guides on productivity, writing processes, and story guides, I couldn't get past my own barrier. The hardest part was that deep down, I knew I was talented, so I was extremely confused as to why I'd belittle myself so much.

As we entered lockdown in March, 2020, I told myself that this is a perfect chance to hone my craft. Being furloughed, I tried to look at it as a positive. Within the first month, once again, I failed every writing goal and retracted into a slump. I'd watch great films and read great books, hating myself for never being able to achieve that, despite not trying in the first place. I wanted to, desperately, but even getting out of bed proved difficult.

My partner and I sat down and had a very difficult conversation, coming to the conclusion that I'm probably not very well. It was difficult, but I now acknowledged the possibility. It wasn't until my next spout of upset and character-attack that I realised that I do need help. I called my doctor and laid it all out on the table, without ever mentioning the D word. As suspected, she believed it to be true. It was hard to hear as I've suffered from masculinity issues a large portion of my life, so to feel even weaker now, being directly told that there's a high chance I'm suffering from some form of anxiety or depression, it wasn't great. However, at the same time, it helped. She recommended I do some research into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

I haven't started any sessions yet, but the realisation that years of self doubt and feeling worthless wasn't my fault. I had no reason to be so cruel and I wish had accepted my circumstance a lot earlier on, but hindsight is bittersweet.

A week after I came to terms with everything, I sat down in front of my computer and finished a script I'd been working on for a year. I wrote roughly 60 pages in four days. After that, I revised it, creating two more drafts. For the first time in years, I was proud of myself. I'm now currently working on a novel which I've also pushed aside for too long.

I'm in no way saying that lack of productivity is always linked to depression, but it might be the case with you too. I've started to take my mental health and career goals more seriously, and I feel positive about my future, despite the many roadblocks ahead.

It’s a huge cliche, but we’re all only human. The all-time-greats have also most likely gone through periods of gloom and doubt. Holding yourself accountable for things that are generally out of your control (anxiety, depression) isn’t healthy and if you feel like you need help, you probably need help.

Get it, get better, then get writing. We're all capable of so much more when we're in a good place.