How do I become happier?

Looking around the world today one may think that there is little or no reason to be happy. And you may be tempted to agree. The dismal thought of what is happening at the moment, the uncertainty of what life would become afterwards and the precariousness of the aftermath to our lifestyle all add up to the edginess, anxiety and unhappiness a lot of people may be feeling.

Research conducted by psychologists have pin-pointed the essential ingredients that contribute to happiness in someone’s life.

Ability to meet our basic needs

This seems very obvious, doesn’t it? We are more likely to be content and happy if we aren’t worried about where our next meal will come from or if we would be able to pay the rent or when we are able to pay the bills and keep our light and heating on.

In today’s society this correlates to having enough money to do this. Does this mean that there is a link between having money and being happy? If that is the case the wealthiest people have to be the happiest. As we know that is not necessarily the case. There is therefore a huge flaw in thinking strictly along these lines – that being wealthy equals being happy.

Being able to afford things is only an aspect of the whole topic of happiness. There are other compelling factors that decide our ability to be happy.

This leads us to define what happiness means to each of us. What does happiness mean to you? It can come from your children, your partner, your career, a hobby, or anything else in this world or a combination of some or all of these things. What makes you happy does not necessary have to appeal to someone else. That is the uniqueness of our individuality and the reason why using general terms to define something as individualistic as happiness renders it inadequate.

The presence of meaningful relationships

Research have shown that people with meaningful relationships are more likely to be happier as they are less likely to be lonely. This also explains why pursuing money doesn’t always lead to increased happiness.

We all need meaningful relationships in our lives – either with family members and/or friends. When we work long hours for big bucks, we may end up sacrificing our social relationships. What’s the point in holding down a second job to pay off that holiday home if you never have time to take your family on a holiday?

A stable environment

We all as humans have the inherent need and desire to make sense of the world and to understand our place and purpose in it. For most people, faith and religion fills that desire and helps us understand our purpose and that we are a part of something larger than ourselves. We are not talking about a particular faith or religion rather the need to have some sort of spirituality – a sense that we somehow fit into the larger scheme of things.

Does this mean when we have these three things in place, we are guaranteed to be happy? I wish it was that easy. You can still have enough resources to meet your needs, a stack of valuable relationships in the form of family and friends as well as a well-grounded spiritual standing and still be unhappy. These three factors represent external causes of happiness. There are of course internal causes of unhappiness.

Do our genes have anything to do with how happy we are?

Research has shown that our predisposition to happiness is, to a large degree, determined by our genes. Psychology professor David T. Lykken, author of Happiness: Its Nature and Nurture, says that “trying to be happier is like trying to be taller.” We each have a “happiness set point,” he argues, and move away from it only slightly.

I suppose this is where the idea of introverts and extroverts come from. Some people are predisposed to being happy-go-luckys, out-going and extroverted while others are more predisposed to being reticent, reserved, shy and introverted.

This is very disconcerting as it suggests we have no control over whether we are happy or unhappy. And yet, psychologists who study happiness – including Lykken – believe we can pursue happiness. We can do this by thwarting negative emotions such as pessimism, resentment, and anger. And we can foster positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and especially gratitude.

We are, to a certain degree, in charge of our own happiness, just as we are in charge of our thoughts. “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly.…” said Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.

So how do we become happier?

Top tips to being happier

Decide to be happy.

The major issue we have is waiting to be happy. Rarely does happiness drop in our laps. Happiness must be for most of us an achievement – something we must take responsibility for.

If we are unhappy its because we choose to be that way. This is refreshing because it places the control firmly in my hands because if I chose to be unhappy I can un-choose that and I can choose differently. By choosing to be happy I also take responsibility for my happiness.

Make happiness your top goal and pursue it like you would pursue any worthy goal in your life, refuse to allow any attitudes or behaviours that lead to unhappiness.

Be grateful.

Are happy people grateful or are grateful people happy?

What are you grateful for? You don’t have to wait till thanksgiving to say what you are grateful for. Make it a habit to make a daily, weekly or monthly list of the things you are grateful for – you can do this with your loved ones and you can use that to teach your kids to be grateful.

We can become people that live grateful. Appreciate every moment as the gift that it is. You haven’t earned it, you haven’t worked for it, so appreciate it. Be grateful for the opportunities that are open to you and take advantage of them. Be grateful for the positive things that happen in your life. Look for reasons to be grateful. When you are on the look out for reasons to be grateful you will discover there are loads of things to be grateful for.

Practice forgiveness.

Unforgiveness can affect your physical as well as mental health.

We sometimes feel like we have a right to hold someone’s misgivings against them especially if they have hurt us.

We often think that forgiving someone means condoning what they have done. That is very far from the truth. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. You forgive others so you yourself can be emotionally free.

Forgiveness is a choice. Instead of rehashing past offenses and looking for rationalisations, justification and reasons to take something personally, choose to forgive.

I read something fascinating about the law of forgiveness. It says that, “you are mentally and emotionally healthy to the degree that you can freely forgive anyone who has hurt you in any way”.

Everyone of us has experienced some destructive criticism, negative treatment, unkindness, rudeness, unfairness, betrayal and dishonesty from others over the years. These events are inevitable and unavoidable and as long as you are alive on earth you are not immune from them.

So the question to ask is how long is it going to take you to get over this and move on with your life?

How quickly can you forgive and forget a negative experience? That question determines how mentally and emotionally healthy you really are.

Fight negative thoughts and feelings

“Never give a negative thought an inch or it will take a mile.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

Positive thinking and negative thinking cannot operate at the same level in your mind, one needs to be the master and the one you feed more will rule over the other. If you sometimes find yourself always blaming yourself for things that go wrong, not easily forgiving yourself (personalising), seeing things as black and white only (polarizing) and expecting the worse in every situation (catastrophizing) and increasing the negatives over the positives you may find yourself constantly unhappy as these attitudes are the breeding ground for a lack of joy and unhappiness.

Negative self-talk leads to poor self-confidence, low self-esteem, a bad attitude and will never lead to happiness.

Change your self-talk (the way you speak to and about yourself) – speak to yourself the way you would speak to a valued and respected friend. Thinking positively creates a favourable environment in your mind for creativity which allows you to rebound from obstacles and problems.

Build and nurture meaningful relationships

When it comes to overall life satisfaction, relationships are very significant. Research has shown that having a close group of people in your life can increase your levels of happiness. This is not so much as the number of friendships you have as much as the quality of those relationships, hence the key word ‘meaningful’.

Finally......

It is good to know that happiness isn’t a luxury for the select few and that everyone can attain to a state of happiness. Happiness is a key ingredient to a productive, healthy and well-balanced life. Happiness is a self-fulfilling prophecy that can only be attained by you. Not one material thing can “make” you happy. Not one other person is “responsible” for your happiness. And if you buy into that, you’re buying into a false reality.

To start or continue this journey of happiness might mean we answer some difficult and uneasy questions like: What am I most fearful of? What gets me angry? What gets me excited? What do I avoid? What do I seek out? What makes me sad? What are my wildest dreams?”

You’ll begin to see where you belong, what you’re passionate about, and what you need to feel fulfilled and happy.