How a 12-year-old girl turned my life around

Sometimes it takes losing someone to appreciate their value. That’s how I realized this 12-year-old girl who I was close with during my childhood has led me to becoming the strong woman I am today. While I’m no longer in contact with this person, I thought this would be a good opportunity to celebrate her persistence and grace in the form of a gratitude letter. Feel free to visualize it being read at an award ceremony for women’s empowerment. Now, I proudly debut a wholesome story about womanhood that will hopefully enlighten you during this difficult time. Enjoy!

To the girl who unwittingly changed my life,

How are you? I hope you’re staying safe during quarantine. Now that I have so much time on my hands, I’ve been reflecting upon myself and reminiscing about the bond we once shared.

Five years - it’s been so long since we’ve talked. I can’t believe I’m eighteen years old and you’re seventeen now. It feels like not long ago we were skipping around in Disneyland with Minnie Mouse ears on. Times flies.

I’m guessing you’re wondering why exactly I’m writing to you out of the blue. Well, the truth is because I finally learned to love myself and in turn appreciate all that you’ve taught me. With that said, I’m sorry I misunderstood you for being two-face and dramatic. It took me experiencing similar circumstances as you have to realize that my past perception of you was merely a reflection of who I was. Although this has been long overdue, I hope you can accept my sincerity. Like you used to say, “better late than never”, right?

If so, here I am saying thank you for inspiring me to be the best version of myself. Your ambition, resilience and imagination is extraordinary, which has motivated me to persevere through hardships, realize my self-worth and be unapologetically myself.

Till this day, I still recollect how you believed there was light at the end of the tunnel when your parents’ divorce got ugly. Since you perceived your parents as the embodiment of love, it must have crushed your heart to witness their hostility towards each other, let alone grapple with your self-worth from feeling rejected by them.

Although your parents couldn’t reciprocate the emotional support you offered them, you continued to lend them your shoulder to lean on. You didn’t mind being their punching bag as long as it helped them release their frustration. You figured that if no one was going to support you, you would be there for yourself and gain happiness from your achievements. You put on a mask just so your teachers and friends wouldn’t worry about you.

But as your family life became more chaotic, you fell into the abyss of depression. While your inner demons got louder and you were losing your will to live, you tried tuning out the negativity by optimizing your productivity. At age 10, you made the conscious decision to continue living even though your world was crumbling before your eyes. You were so young yet you radiated an essence of the people who have reached the last years of their lives.

You went from constantly wishing your life away to grasping the idea of living instead of merely existing. Your curiosity, creativity and ambition was like no other. Wherever you traveled, you were eager to immerse yourself into the local culture. You gradually grew an affinity for places outside of your hometown and found your place in this world. Besides travelling, you found solace in drawing, painting, crafting and creating stories of your own. You enjoyed turning your imaginations into reality in your little ways. I found you very endearing and still do so.

Although we have lost contact, I often emulate your perseverance when I encounter adversities. When my mom convinced me to abandon any contact with my dad, I remembered how you accepted your parents’ behavior, so I empathized with her agony. When I experienced my worst depressive episode a few months ago, I remembered how you decided to continue your life, so I mustered up the courage to not give up on mine. When I felt trapped in my toxic household, I recalled how you distracted yourself from your reality by engaging in creative projects, so I established my own businesses and emerged myself in art.

Since your ambition inspires me, I have developed the habit of harnessing my energy into personal achievements. I interned at a financial firm, volunteered for various non-profits and earned level 8 in piano. During the past year, I accomplished things I never thought I could in my high school career - I established my own skincare brand and got qualified to compete at an international business competition. Although the stress resurfaced my mental health issues, I was determined to continue as you would. I knew that if I succumbed to the demons in my head and took my own life, I would not be able to experience and cherish these moments. Everything truly happens for a reason, even the most poignant experiences.

From listening to you speak about your hobbies with such fervor, you exemplified that spending time in solitude can transform despair into individuality. Whenever I have free time, I enjoy drawing, listening to music and ice-skating. I have found that these creative outlets help me control my racing thoughts and be present. I feel free when I draw little doodles; I feel free when I dance to indie songs with whimsical lyrics; I feel free when the cold breeze brushes across my face when I ice-skate. I feel the most authentic, strong and independent when I’m comfortable with who I am.

Now that I’m manifesting love and abundance into my life, I feel empowered in knowing that I can rewrite the life I was born with. I’m proud to say that I have experienced life as it is and you’re a huge reason why I have. Are you proud of me? I followed in your footsteps to find my way back to you. And now that I’m embarking on my healing journey, I can feel your soul intertwined in mine. Perhaps you were always part of me but I’m finally ready to be devoted to you, my twelve-year-old self.

If I could go back in time, I would advise you to speak up against anyone who remotely tries to silence you, whether that be the voices in your head, family members or societal pressure. Your creativity has brought out the best in me so why not inspire yourself to do the same? Remember, being submissive to others does not constitute being lady-like.

As agonizing as it is, your life is unfolding as it should be. Once you realize your difficulties are blessings in disguise, you’ll find liberation in speaking your truth as I do now.

Sincerely,

Your older self