Hey You

I've been on this journey for the last probably five or so years. A journey to love and accept myself, even if I'm not where I want to be with my body. I've done diets galore, exercise routines that made me cry, binge eating episodes that made me hate myself even more. All of it failed every single time. And I'm a big walking cliche because it was 100% due to the fact that I hated myself so much that I wanted to change. I sound like every other fat positive v/blogger and I'm okay with that. Credit for my mind changing about myself goes to The Fat Author (@thefatauthor on instagram) and her podcast Beached Whale. She isn't there to give some philisophical crap about finding inner peace with some essential oils and a yoni egg (?). It's all just honesty. She just talks about herself and her path to loving who she is, even when she doesn't like parts of her. It's incredible, I love her, and if you see this, HI DESTINY, I LOVE YOU!

So I've been on this path in the same body with it's fluctuating weight that never drops below 250 pounds (that's about 113 kilos for everyone else in the world). And it's beautiful. My body and the journey. Learning that parts of me I've always kept hidden are not only normal, but even desired. Mind blown. There are people out there who pay people who look like me to show off their skin. WHAT? I know.

I don't really consciously do anything to change my own mind. But I do weird crap like stare at my naked body in the mirror. Sometimes (most of the time) it's extremely uncomfortable. I spent my entire 29.2 (I'm actually 31 but refuse to accept it... I can't do it all right) years completely avoiding mirrors or even so much as looking down at my own body. Yes, you read that right. I used to avoid looking down at my own body. I used to get dressed and blatantly refuse to look at my reflection in case something excentuated a part of me I hated so very much and made me change my outfit. I lived in hoodies, baggy t-shirts, sweat pants, etc. Never left my house with my arms or legs showing. Summers in the 90F degree range with long pants, long sleeves, and my hair down. It was miserable. I was miserable.

So I stand there and I look at myself and I notice my flaws. Because we all have them. But I notice them, I catalog them in my brain, and I accept them, and I move on. I'm still human and I still get down. I still get uncomfortable that parts of me look the way they do. But instead of completely refusing to believe that that is what I look like, I remember that it is. Because it is!

Anyway, this whole thing was spurred by the fact that I was standing in my kitchen today with my shirt tied up to be a crop top. Peeling potatoes for the casserole I was putting in the crock pot. A piece of potato peel came flying backward at me and stuck to my exposed stomach. I chuckled, took it off, and kept peeling. Until I realized what just happened. I looked down at my round belly with its stretch marks and scars and smiled when I took the peel off. I chuckled instead of recoiling in disgust. I kept humming to myself and peeling potatoes. I didn't stop to think about how badly I needed to change that part of me, or to convince myself that I was looking at something else. Just a passing thing that happened without pain or fear. And I'm so proud of myself. Eating disorders, rude people, doctors who think losing weight is the only answer, partners who leave me when they find someone smaller, my own insecurities be damned. I'm doing better every day.

And so can you.

I love you. Be kind to yourself today. You can do this.