Healing Is A Choice

I've spent the last 2 years doing the work, meditating, gaining understanding, even asking others for input to heal what I didn't even know was hurt. I read books, played music, burned sage, prayed, and though there were rough days, each day was better. I was ready! Healed. Then it happened. I found myself in a 20 yr old, familiar situation and I flipped. The one I love the most, I was dismissive, erratic and irrational, and they hadn't done much wrong. It wasn't disrespect, but it wasn't what I felt I was worth. Once I set myself down and used all the tools of the last 2 years, I found a wound. Somewhere in me bleeding, and I thought I healed it.

I made a choice on the 1st experience (any experience) NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN... law of attraction. I allow my energy to focus on that which I don't want. So it just keeps returning. I haven't let go. Yes, a lesson is learned and valued. But the experience is what you should let go. Its blocking your request.

Healing is a choice. We must learn how to let go of the experiences that hurt us. The experience is simply to show you a part of you to give love to. It takes love to heal. I had a fear that no one would truly love me. That it was all too good to be true. So when I love myself, in that very place I feel abandoned, I prevail. But it's the letting go for me. I have to unlearn all the defenses I've built to ensure it never happens again. I have to free myself. That's healing!

It takes control of emotions.. control of emotions takes meditation to understand your feeling; feelings are the true guide to the next logical steps. What feels good? You are meant to feel good, even in the bad. Laugh and smile through the tears!

I have to be a bit transparent and specific in an experience to help drive my point. I spent 6 years with a man, almost married him... found out he didn't truly love me. The time I was facing cancer scare and brain surgery, his concern was not me. When brought to his attention, excuses. That kind of thing builds a wall. You say to yourself never again! You're right! Never. You are now going to respond to any issue that seems similar the same way; never. Guess what, no 2 people are the same. 1 may need an excuse, the other may truly have a reason. Let me step in deeper.

New guy, all around perfect. Months of consistency but he doesn't talk as much. I'm used to talkers, but no consistency. It's like people and summer: complaining its too hot but begs for the same heat in winter season. I call it the polar effect; never satisfied. I was up so worried about him 1 night, he told me he was inebriated and forgot to let me know he was ok. So, because he disregarded my extreme concern (I had good reason to worry) I was alarmed that again, a man showing me so much, but I truly mean nothing. This had NOTHING to do with this man, this was MY issue. An issues I thought I healed from. But I made a choice on the 1st experience to NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN.

I didn't even give this man the opportunity to know me, to understand my concern, to even explain himself... I was just out. Nope, no red flags for me, that's what I said! Quit ignoring the red flags! What's the flag though? The true flag is I'm too insecure to truly love how I've loved so often. I am living repeatedly in my past, over and over. I kind of like the movie "Groundhogs Day" because of memories with my mother, it's just not for me in the physical realm. That little chuckle alone allows me to feel good in the not so great.

It’s not the best feeling to take accountability. However, accountability is an action that leads to happiness. It’s much easier to deflect, blame another, find any reason why you reacted as such. No matter what happens in any story, if you have a part in it, you ARE a part in it! In all experiences, any reaction you have is also a reflection. A reflection of what is within you! Tend to you, in some ways be selfish, but always go with the good feeling, and let go of all the bad. Let it go, or choose to hold it and carry on. You cannot complain about your own choices. Everyone has heard, you are the author. Anything presented in your life, you are responsible for the outcome. Make a choice today to discover more of yourself and heal. Make a choice to not bleed on those who did not cause your pain. Don’t create turmoil by not simply letting go. Choose to take control of your thoughts, emotions and reactions, if it doesn’t feel good, dismiss it. Not emotion, but feeling. Emotions are reactions to feelings. Tap in, what are you FEELING?!

People will give up on you, everyone isn’t for the long haul. Don’t give up on yourself. Love yourself fully and completely. Love is the absolute strongest, highest vibration. This takes time. I’m saying, 2 years in and I thought I had this! However, 2 years ago, I would not have reflected directly to myself, I would not have been as aware to take accountability, almost immediately. Learning to allow yourself to feel the bad and move through it without infecting others is a task. Many choose to isolate themselves, shut off from others; I am one of many. I have a temper like no other and prefer to go reflect them later, respond. The shutoff is how I control my reaction. This isn’t always fair to the other party, and when I thought I was avoiding the infection of negative energy, its like I’ve spike the drink. We set ourselves to ruin our own energy, again, simply from not letting go.

Now, I had to reach out to my advisor to help complete and connect my struggle, and now I have something to work on, something to make me better. Learning how to let go! Life is truly about being better and infecting others along the way. We continue to learn daily for this reason, we need someone for this reason, people are seasons… for this reason.

Go forward and love without expectation. In each moment, hone in to what you feel, always check self first. Do the work, and let it GO! Healing is a choice, we just have to choose. We are beings in a body with a purpose. Understand, you are the purpose!

Here's to understanding, accountability, acceptance and letting go!