H(trap)piness

Have you found yourself saying “I just want to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy?” Or maybe “Why does everyone seem to be happier than me?”

I’m not going to beat around the bush, trying to be happy is trap. Let’s dispel some myths right out of the gate:

• Happiness is a state of being.

• Experiencing sadness, anger, or fear should be discouraged.

• Happiness should be the end goal we all strive for.

All myths. Let me explain why.

Myth 1: Happiness is a state of being

There’s an issue with the notion that we all need to be in search of happiness. It has been somewhat perversely idealized as a state of being, which leaves those pursuing that state feeling hopeless. This misconception creates a false idea about what happiness actually is.

I’m reminded of a story I heard a very long time ago called The Emporer’s Seed. An emperor with no children of his own was in search of his successor. He gathered all the children in his village, gave them all seeds, and told them whoever came back with the most beautiful flower would win the crown. A young boy named Ling planted his seed and took care of it as if it were his own child.

Ling gathered with all the other children weekly who were showing off their plant’s progress, while week after week Ling saw no growth. He persisted, week after week watering his seed, giving it sunlight, attempting to nurture his seed to life.

After a year had passed, all the children were to show the emperor their flowers. Ling sat with a barren pot, embarrassed by the other children and their beautiful flowers. They saw his pot as a complete failure and scoffed at him, while standing with their flowers with pride and puffed chests.

The emperor approached Ling and said:

“What happened here?”

“I watered the pot every day, but nothing grew.” Ling said.

He moved along and assessed all the other flowers. As he stood in front of all the children, the emperor said:

“Clearly, some of you desperately want to be Emperor and would do anything to make that happen, but there is one boy that I would like to point out as he has come to me with nothing. Ling, come here please.”

Ling nervously approached the emperor and handed him his pot with lonely soil. The emporer then stated:

“A year ago, I gave you all a seed. I told you to go away, plant the seed and return with your plant. The seeds that I gave you all were boiled until they were no longer viable and wouldn’t grow, but I see before me thousands of plants and only one barren pot. Integrity and courage are more important values for leadership than proud displays, so Ling here will be my heir.”

What does this story have to do with happiness? Well, think of these children like all of your “friends” on social media. They post pictures of themselves just as they wish the world to see them. Vibrant, care-free, living a wondrous life, always smiling on a beach holding a cocktail. The detriment to our mental process is profound when we look around us and make comparisons. “Why am I not this happy? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t that be me? Why is my pot not growing a beautiful flower?”

The facade fools us into believing we are somehow less happy than those we see on our screens. It further deepens the happines trap. Moral of the story: emotions are not constant, so no human being is consistently happy. Emotions are a result of our reactions to the environment. Is the environment constant? Absolutely not, and neither are your emotions.

Myth 2: Experiencing Sadness, Anger, or Fear Should Be Discouraged

All emotions are useful, including ones that are typically regarded as “negative”. Think about a typical morning commute. You drive to work and are listening to the news and become sad about some tragedy occuring on the other side of the world. That state of sadness is then interrupted with a sudden surge of fear as the car beside you nearly sideswipes your car.

After about sixty seconds your heart rate settles, your respiration stablizies and you switch to listening to music. Your favorite song begins and you slip into a period of joy as you belt out the lyrics. Pulling into the parking lot you notice someone has parked in your assigned parking spot. Now, this spot was earned with your recent promotion which was achieved due to your hard work and dedication. A feeling of anger arises because something that belongs to you was unjustly stolen.

Okay, let’s break down this commute:

Your fear response is an immediate reaction produced by the amygdala, overriding higher functions of the brain in order to keep you alive. Fear is protective measure for us. It causes our senses to be on high alert, which is obviously as positive function in potential life or death circumstances.

Sadness is a usefull emotion because the physical representations that accompany this emotion send signals to the people around us that we may need consoling. What’s your response when you see your significant other slouching, the corners of their mouth drooped, and tears streaming down? Typically you will seek to embrace them, try to make them feel better, and make them feel safe.

This emotion is extremely significant for building bonds with those around us. The detrimental effects of discouraging this emotional display cannot be overlooked nor dismissed.

Anger over your stolen spot is entriely understandable, as anger is typically a product of something being taken from you, or is preventing you from achieving a goal. It is the emotion that can signal to us “this is not right”, therefore can be very useful for driving us to make changes.

Myth 3: Happiness Should Be the End Goal We All Strive For

In a previous article On the Road to Fatherhood, I spoke briefly about how I plan on raising my child in terms of addressing emotions (it’s actually what sparked the article you are currently reading). Here’s an excerpt:

“I want to teach my child that they won’t always be happy, and that constant happiness is not the key to a fulfilling life. Rather, the key is to be adaptable to every single emotion they will be feeling on a daily basis. Emotions are but a cloud, floating across the sky. Every individual person is their own sky, and there will always be clouds. But they are not the clouds themselves and they are not permanent.”

Many children grow up hearing the phrase “I just want you to be happy” from their parents. Although the intention is almost always genuine, the danger is this phraseology transforms into a seed that is planted inside one's head, but can never grow. It’s the happiness trap.

I just heard the sound of the dots connecting in your head.

Imagine growing up with the recognition and understanding of the wide array of emotions. Imagine being free to pursue a complete understanding of the mind, where thoughts come from, what triggers certain emotions. Once we allow ourselves to feel without a sense of guilt or shame, it opens up doors to deeper understanding as to WHY we are feeling what we feel at any given time.

The end goal we are all in search for is not happiness. It is a sense of fulfillment. What better way to pave the path toward fulfillment than to seek a deep understanding of ourselves? The happiness trap can be dangerous, but understanding its implications is step one toward actual fulfillment in your life.