Grateful for Kindness

Moments from the past twelve months to show what I am grateful for.

I was waiting at the bus stop, meeting up with friends and meeting up in the city. As usual, my bus was running late and I was worried I would miss the next train and stressing about being alone in the sketchy station. An old lady came up to wait next to me, and asked how I was.

"I'm fine, thank you. Gloomy morning, isn't it?" I asked.

She didn't say anything back. Feeling embarrassed, I turned straight and went on my phone. Soon after, the bus had arrived and I took out my card from my bag and a book fell along with it.

It was my diary.

It had opened to a page from November, displaying one of my casual poems. I feared that she could read the title over the picture taped at the top left.

The picture was taken so poorly as I was trying to be subtle with the fact that I was taking pictures, alone, and did not want to feel stares on me.

I had always tried looking for the beauty in things, yet have struggled with my self-image. It's not easy to accept our own worth at times, as we can be blind to our flaws or magnify the insecurities within ourselves.

"Hazy eyes cannot look in the mirror clearly,

I cannot tell if I truly love myself."

Those two lines had summed up how I felt every time I caught my own reflection. I could never linger too long on my features, knowing I would compare and criticize my physical traits to the last person I saw.

Months had gone by, where everything had changed. The uncertainty I had about myself had disappeared as well.

I still don't know if it was the unforeseen break of five months,

or the surge in social media usage,

or the lack of outside connection.

I don't know if it as all three combined either but, I am so much more comfortable in my own body now.

Yes I gained tons of weight from baking so often, and laying around all day yet I do not feel guilt in my imperfections. I can look at my face with the red blemishes, the odd shape of my nose, and my slightly crooked teeth and not create a Venn diagram of the differences with another face.

The world hadn't stopped because of me, and life will go on when I am gone. And that is okay, I don't think I can handle that much attention anyways.

There is a blurred line between love and hate for yourself. Many of us stick closer to the blur than we think, and sometimes you don't have to try so hard to accept who you are and show yourself some gratitude.

Within a year I have given myself the certainty on how I feel about myself, questioned why I hated certain parts of me, and came to terms that I don't have to change everything in order to be kinder to myself.

I am grateful for being able to share my growth.

"Life is going on, merely.

Love thyself, dearly."