Get in loser we're going to heal!

Recovering and healing from childhood trauma is hard, tiring and there are times you just want to give up. From experience, I carried a heavy amount of shame and guilt. Which formed identities within me that weren't true. Having to unlearn and let go of those ideas and identities that I've followed for years is difficult. It's nerve-wracking having to stand up tall and voicing your needs when it's something you've never been good at.

I feel guilty about having to do what's best for me. I've taken on expectations from others on how I should be and how I should treat others. I have always put my emotional needs last, which became a bad habit. I've stayed in relationships where I wasn't valued, understood and listened too. I've put on plenty of masked and altered my personality to fit in and be accepted. After all those experiences. I've learnt that I wasn't happy with the way I've formed myself and I wasn't willing to live the rest of life pretending. I'm done having to pretend and wear a mask just to be accepted and valued by others. I've done for years and by the end of it all, I barely recognized myself.

One of the symptoms of childhood trauma is the difficulty of forming an identity. Because you are not the same person after the trauma. It changes you and the way you see the world. As a kid growing up trying to figure out who and what you want to be is stressful but a normal stage in any children's life. Although some don't get that chance. Some are thrown in responsibilities that a kid shouldn't be carrying or in circumstances that should never happen in the first place.

Having to come to terms that certain life events/stages will trigger you because of the trauma. It's something I have accepted although it hurts and makes me angry. Having to pick up pieces that were forcefully taken away from me. Those two emotions are perfectly normal reactions to having to come to those terms.

That's why having understanding, respectful and supportive people around you during this process is important. Not everyone will understand or respect what you're doing for yourself. Although this isn't about others. This is about you trying to get your power and control back. Something that was yours in the first place. Speaking about your trauma and hurt is one of the best ways to realise and heal from it. Healing from trauma involves having the power of when and who you tell your story too. Nobody has the right to take that away from a victim. Learning and understanding that experiencing trauma mean the victims had their power and control forcefully taken from them. Their story being shared should be in their control. It doesn't matter if they told you about it. It is not a story that should be shared around the campfire.

Especially with victims of sexual abuse. There's so much shame that stems from abuse. Speaking about it and telling your story (when you are ready and comfortable) is an empowering tool. Because it is your story and you should have the power and control of when and who to share it too. The reality we live in is that we have no idea what somebody is going through unless they speak out about it. Assumptions and judgements don't help the healing process for a trauma victim. It's not the easiest concept to grasp because we've been conditioned to judge and assume anything that we don't understand. Our subconscious automatically tries to fill in the gaps of the missing information. It doesn't take a lot of effort to be kind and mind your own business.

I'm learning that as I get older it's my responsibility to become a better version of myself. It got to the point where I had to choose. Stay in the comfort of the unhappy ideas and identities that I've formed. Or leave that comfort and face who I was outside of the trauma. Something completely unknown. Choosing to let go and unlearn certain ideas about myself was scary and uncomfortable. But it's something I do not regret. Healing from my trauma and discovering and uncovering parts of myself is liberating and painful. In a way that there is plenty of grieving while healing. Having to let go and say goodbye to your comfort zone is painful.

Also learnt that when healing from the trauma in a professional setting.It isn't about the details of the circumstances that I went through. It was gaining an understanding of the reasons why I felt the way I did. Going to speak to a professional about your challenging issues isn't something you should be embarrassed about. Especially dealing with clinical conditions such as PTSD. Finding the right fit is important because everybody has different ways of communicating their professional perspective.

A gentle reminder that this is continuous healing. You are not just healing your mind. You are healing your body as well. That's one of the important keys that everybody needs to know. Traumas stay in your nervous system. Healing isn't something to be ashamed of nor does it have a specific deadline. Everybody's healing will be different and that is okay. Each one of us deserves to heal and recover.