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Free Thoughts

by Nia on Air 2 years ago in advice

Journal Freestyle

As the blood moon settles in my mind the only thing that I can think of is blood. Why do you ask? I feel like the sweat I shed is simply an illusion of blood leaving me empty just like the blood moon that glows the sky. You work to be the best you, that you can be. When you fail do you blame yourself? Do you fallback from completing something that you felt was a fail? Or do you get up and try again? Why do some people think those of us that take time to lay on the ground and re-play our failures? Is it okay to try to understand the 'why' of the failure? Even if it doesn't make sense, even though I may never know why I failed, it should be okay to embrace the fact that I have fallen. You give the sweat/blood time to dry. Getting right back up with no plan is never a good plan.

So, I lay here and think what is the next plan? Blood on my face, heart racing at the thought of making grown-up decisions. However, this is what I am faced with and like I always say play your hand even if its a bad hand. The pain will go away, the sweat and blood will dry and if you are lucky it will rain and wash away. Leaving you left with the emotional wounds but who could tell? You will know when it's time to get up. Everyone will have a reason to pull you up before you are ready. Just like you are Mayweather in the corner getting a pep talk about how to beat his opponent. Sometimes that's just noise and you need to drown it out. Listen to your voice, listen to your heart, tap into your intuition.

Do I think too much? Yes! Can I stop? Probably not. The way that my mind works I read into everything, overthinking, You have to access every situation from every angle. The “what if’s” can take you down the rabbit hole. I rather go down the rabbit hole and be prepared rather than stand at the top of the rabbit hole overthinking but not making any moves. Why aren’t you? Because you are thinking too much about the last time you failed. As long as my children and myself have air in our lungs I will forever take away. I thought that I would vent what was on my heart at this very moment before I decided to answer the prompt. Don’t mind me I will continue to spill my feelings into the air. I am at a place in life that I prefer to be open about what I am going through especially in a world so fake.

The original question was, “What was a silver lining in a bad situation that happened recently?”

October 31st, 2018 while I was six months pregnant I was illegally evicted from my apartment. Not over not paying rent or even being late but over a pet fee that I now have proof from the same company that the pet fee was paid just as I had originally questioned which is why I became homeless in the first place. Those were the worst two worst months of my life. Living in and out of hotel and motel rooms while my family took care of my other children. Sleeping in the car when needed but I can tell you this. I am thankful for family and friends. They made sure my children never felt what we were going through. I am one of those parents that are honest with my children so they knew what the situation was but they didn’t feel it if that makes sense. My children started to appreciate the things they were given a lot more. I, myself started to appreciate just the small things like having a key to check the mailbox. If you ever find yourself in that situation and every door is being shut in your face, never give up. The next door might open. Be thankful for a family if you have them, if you don’t I promise this is just a season but like someone near to me once said, “your situation could be different in three months.” Always keep your head up!


Nia on Air

Mental Health Survivor, Poetry Lover, Thought Speaker, Truth-Teller.

IG: @NiaOnAir_


Read next: Get to Know Baby 'You'

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