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Forgetting Who You Are

What really happens when we constantly doubt ourselves?

By Yela Published 3 years ago 5 min read
1
Giacomond by Quint Buchholz

I've been doing more and more Tarot readings for me and now more than ever, it seems to be like the cards ring true to my current circumstances in life.

I've been finding it difficult to tap into my intuition lately and can only find one good reason why that may be...

When we communicate with our higher-self, it is often not with our thoughts, it is with our soul; our aura and energetic field.

Spirit, Source energy, God, whatever you may call the Higher Power, does not need words to be able to communicate with us.

Often, what happens in my personal situation, is that I will find myself over-intellectualizing... everything.

I think this may be a good reason why I can't seem to hear my inner-guidance as clearly as I did.

There's good reason for it, I know that in my heart, but the human nature in me can't help but to worry and doubt my abilities once I find myself in this funk.

I am seeing now that the more that I stray away in fear, the more I intellectualize and detach from my own feelings and emotions.

This is a sure-fire way to drown out the still-small voice that is my intuition.

Yesterday, I pulled a 10-card spread with my Hush Tarot deck and in my "resources position" laid The Fool card of the Major Arcana.

The Fool card coincides with the number 0, indicating new-beginnings and times as well as a temperamental mischief and abundant sense of adventure. This card has been showing up a lot in my own personal readings as well as in the readings that I view on YouTube for my Sun and Rising sign (Virgo).

Since having difficulty hearing my inner-voice, I looked to the tiny-book of clarifications that comes with the deck.

There, the message of The Fool card reads:

"Mischievous. Bold. Out of step. An adventurous spirit. Carefree and open to new experiences.

The Ferret is known for its curiosity and playful temperament, which can sometimes be considered mischievous. Moths use their turbulent flight to evade predators. Their erratic moves can help to avoid danger. Also as masters of disguise, they are a reminder to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself."

My life has taking turn after turn of my share of changes this year, it seems like every month that rolls by something new appears and something old dies and The Fool energy rings true to this erratic rhythm.

It was that last sentence of The Fool message, that stuck out to me like a sore-thumb.

They are a reminder to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself.

As a safety blanket, I've learned to keep quiet and observe, let others speak first before I do. Over the past couple of months, this hasn't always been the case.

I will say, as my healing journey has progressed, I have learned to come into my power and use my voice for what it's good for.

However, as empowering as it's been, there is a part of me that thinks about whether or not I am an impostor to my soul's true language, that soft-spoken ,"minds her own business", kind of attitude.

It's weird and hard to distinguish.

As we shed our past ways and adopt new mechanisms of being, we can't help but to... doubt.

Doubt whether we are taking on the "right" path.

That is the loop I get stuck in, at least.

Deciphering between right and wrong.

Am I being authentic enough?

How come I withdraw from other people's energies when I am uncomfortable?

Is it fair for me to be so distant in pursuit of preserving my emotional and energetic boundaries?

"Avoiding danger" like the moths depict on The Fool card, as I do when anxiety greets me at the door, doing what I always knew... retreating into myself... it is different now, though.

This time, I find myself breathing, even in overwhelm, I fight to stay in tune with my breath, because it is the anchor that keeps me grounded with my reality, even when it feels like I am swimming in a pool of confusion.

Doubt is there yes, but I've learned to simply acknowledge the thoughts, and observe when I am in a self-doubting thought spiral.

Once the observation is made, I can mentally "step out" of the spiral and see the thought for what it is.

Anxiety and fear.

Even when it feels like I am not sure of who I am entirely, my breath reminds me that it is the anchor to my soul and higher-self above -- pay less attention to the voices and the words swimming in my head and more on what my body feels.

Maybe I do feel foolish because I can't seem to quit obsessing over whether I have the "right" answer or not.

But then I question myself,

Why is it so important for you to be right?

The answer is simple.

It always goes way back, deep into child, from a large deficit of emotional feedback from my caregivers.

I often didn't get the emotional attention a child should when they are growing up, therefore I was stuck with an enormous amount of energy, mostly confusion, anxiety and anger that would often express as tears.

Tears were often my way of communicating my frustration, and instead of receiving nonjudgmental, compassionate reassurance:

I see you are upset, Daniela, let's sit down and breathe through this.

I often received verbal aggression, shamed for crying often, or physical punishment.

Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!

It felt like I was a burden, and at war with my own family because of my intense emotions. This grew into an eventual deep-depression in my middle-school years, entering high-school as well, and took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that I did not have to wait around to receive feedback from them for me to take charge of my life.

I always fought with this sense of proving myself to my family members, living to exceed their expectations which I now see as a large source of where my anxiety rises from.

I am learning that this certain cyclic-funk of anxiety is part of my conditioning, it is not something that I can get rid of so easily because of how deep-rooted it is, therefore it will come up to greet me and teach me something now and again.

When it does, this is when I am left feeling doubtful, confused, in the midst of The Fool, going into the unknown, indifferent and whimsical yet not entirely sure of who I am.

One thing is for sure.

It doesn't matter whether I have the right or wrong answer.

What matters is that I know, not just believe, but know, that I am enough.

Just as I am.

I am worthy of being, just as I am.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone, not even myself, as long as I know that.

I can get through anything.

~Yela xx.

healing
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About the Creator

Yela

I write as I’m meant to, just as I breathe as I’m meant to.

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