Football, golf, and wine

Life is quiet moments, followed by chaos followed by quiet moments. This week for me has been a series of football games, golf tournaments followed by football games. All had wine involved, or something stronger. One thing I have learned is alcohol is an interesting thing. I do not have anything against drinking or others drinking, but I have learned that my friends drink a lot. Its all within a responsible realm, no one got drunk, no one drove while tipsy, but every evening meal was accompanied by a drink. We drank beer and wine while we cheered for the different football teams. We cheered with drinks when the favorite golfers played well and a favorite won. There was never any conversation about how much someone was drinking or that drinking was wrong. The people around me joked and had fun and accepted the drinking as part of the fun. The conversation was around the events happening. We also teased about what wine tasted better and which foods were better for us and which we just wanted. There was no judgment, no fear, hate for things that just are.

Sports are not my thing. I made people laugh by asking what color we were cheering for, and they realized I was serious. I have no idea what was going on the entire time we were watching football. Golf was worse. I really had no idea what was going on with eagles, bogies, and whatever else that the players were hitting. Though I did have a great nap. My friends did take the time to explain the basics of what was going on so I would know why they were screaming at the television. I learned to laugh at what was happening around me. It was a great moment of normalcy. One of the best parts about it was I did not stop to think about how different things were or whether I had permission to have a drink or watch the television. Those around me took it in stride that I did not really understand what was going on and included me anyway. I was not (and I am not) a burden because of my past. I am just who I am.

Therapy is going well. I am learning about how to take more things in stride. Going with the flow of what is happening around me. I am still living with quite a bit of fear. Never knowing what the future will hold. Not sure about if or where I will have a job. Yet, I am safe. I am in a place where I have a roof over my head, food I can safely eat, a car I can drive. I am loved, even if it is not in my purview of normal. I am having fewer and fewer moments of guilt because I am no longer where I was. Faith will always be a contention point. I can not be what I was, but I do not know what I am becoming either. That is ok. Life is a place of change. We are not all meant to just exist. Sometimes we are meant to do so much more.

I started working and volunteering with a nonprofit as well. I think this is a good stepping stone for me because it will teach me how to help others. It is a stone that will help me in the future in leading and managing a non-profit that can help others like me. Those who have escaped cults and high control groups. Through this, I can give others hope for the future. So many people are looking for hope and fall into the control of these groups. Maybe just maybe this can help prevent that for at least some.