Float On

Just a few months ago I was driving in my truck with my boyfriend and said, “You know what? I really feel like I made it in life.” I had a full-time job doing what I love. I had a brand-new truck that I was paying for on my own without parental help. I had my own health insurance. I recently started traveling and had seen damn near almost all the United States. I saw all the major landmarks that were on my bucket list: the Grand Canyon, the Redwoods, Las Vegas, the Hoover Dam, Washington D.C., and basically all of New England. I started hiking and set goals for myself that I reached easily within a few short years. I hiked Mount Washington, I hiked in Zion, I hiked nearly every trail in my home state of Massachusetts. I hiked so much I ran out of places to go locally. I really felt like I had found my niche in life and that I really made it. Even if I was living paycheck to paycheck, I had enough to pay bills and still go out every weekend with friends for lunch, or travel up north to hike. I recently graduated community college with an Associate’s degree in Liberal Arts and Sciences. I transferred to a state school to complete a Bachelor's.

My downfall started like a leaking pipe. Drip, drip, drip, it all started to fall apart until finally the pipe burst open and spilled everywhere. I felt like I was standing in a glass room with this pipe pouring water onto the floor. The water slowly rises to my knees, then to my chest, then I’m tilting my head back just to keep my nose and mouth out of the water and breathe in carefully. I could break the glass and let it all cascade out of the room. But what happens if you break out of surroundings? Will I be in a worse situation than what I was currently in? One might ask themselves what started the leak to begin with. For me, it was my job. I slowly started to realize that no matter how hard I worked it was never appreciated fully. I made one mistake that over shadowed all my hard work. That one mistake washed everything away. People started treating me differently. They saw that I had a moment of weakness and pounced on me. They took every chance they could get to throw me under the bus and tear me down so they could take my place. I decided that I was sick of fighting for my spot. I did not want to play this game anymore. I felt like I played so hard worked too hard to have to deal with all of it.

I started telling the truth. It wasn’t that I was not truthful before, I just picked my battles before. I was always a tell-it-like-it-is kind of person but know I was going to reveal all. You see, the same people trying to tear me apart are all the same people that pretended to be friends with each other. The irony is that they all talked badly about each other behind their backs. I started revealing this to those who asked me. I started to tell the new hires who to trust and who not to trust. I emphasized that the big boss was not one to trust. He had a long history of sexual harassment and I did not hold back on telling the truth on that.

This obviously led to me getting fired. Fired for insubordination. I had never been so proud to be fired. Fired for telling the truth. It was all fine since the pipe was only dripping at this point. I left that job that day, drove 10 min to get home and my phone rang and I was hired at a new place. You can imagine my excitement. I knew my time was coming at my old job so I had been applying and going for interviews for weeks prior to my final day. I started the new job and it was great. Everyone was so nice and so respectful; I didn’t have to be tell-it-like-it-is with anyone because it seemed like everyone just did their part and went home at the end of the day. This soon came to an end when one particular employee decided that she just didn’t care for me. We were very much alike. We both drove a big black truck, we both loved the outdoors, we were both strong minded females. Apparently, we were too much alike, since she started telling everyone how she hated me. I tried to play nice and pretend to be someone I am not. I would normally just confront a person like this and nip it in the bud. I was trying to turn over a new leaf and just play nice and pretend like I cared about how her weekend was, and how her day was going. Besides, the boss there really seemed to like me. He asked a lot of questions about how my last place of work ran. It was like he was looking for new big ideas for their business. He often took what I said into consideration when doing business. This other employee even went so far as to tell other employees that the reason she hated me was that the boss was obsessed with me. I thought that was good.

Around 30 days of me being there I walked into work and started my day. It was normal Saturday morning, mid-December. Christmas was around the corner. My boss brings me into his office. I cringed as I walked in and took a seat. I felt like I was going to be lectured about making a mistake or something but to my knowledge I really had not made any major mistakes since starting there. He looked at me and awkwardly told me that I was being let go. My jaw just dropped. I did not see this coming at all. In fact, I thought since he was “obsessed” with me I was doing well. I asked why. He didn’t even answer me at first. I asked again. I proclaimed that I would really like feedback so if I go elsewhere I know what to improve. He replied, “It’s a personality thing.” I asked if it had anything to do with my skillset. He said, “no.” I told him that I knew that the other employee really did not like me and as my voice trailed off he just looked at me and requested my keys to the building. Yes, that’s right, I was only there for about 30 days and had keys to the building. I was closing by myself. They trusted me with their business by myself yet I was being let go. This was a crushing blow as I felt like I did nothing wrong. I was nice to everyone, even the employee that was not so nice to me. I immediately called friends and family crying as I drove home. It is just before Christmas, I have no job, I have nothing else lined up. No one is going to hire me right before the new year.

At this point my grades had already started slipping due to the first job. The fall semester that year was lined up closely to time line of me getting torn down by my fellow employees. I was failing tests, which is very unlike me. I had exams days after being fired from the second job and failed those as well. This is when the water started to rise to my knees. Days go by; I applied everywhere. I received no calls back. The water rises to my chest. Weeks go by. Christmas was painful. I decided to make handmade gifts for everyone as I could not afford to buy anything. The New Year passes. I have been to a couple interviews but no one has called back yet. The water is up to my ears. I tilt my head back and take in air very carefully. If I take it in too hard I get mouthfuls of water. I get water in my nose. It stings. I contemplate trying to break the glass room that I am in. What lies ahead? If I break out of here the water is going to rush out carrying me with it. What if it carries me out to sea. There is no land to stand on. There is no place to try and build myself a new foundation. I float in the current. I cannot afford a life raft. I float long in the dark water, depths unknown. I see boats in the distance but I am afraid if I reach out for help that they will not like me and cast me overboard. I begin to realize that I have always felt like this. Alone, drifting in the depthless water. I do not belong anywhere. If I drift ashore I am sure to be cast out by the indigenous people there. I have a few close friends that I can think of. We often joke together about how different I am from the rest and how I don’t really fit in anywhere. We laugh together and that this is the only place where feel understood. I feel understood between two people laughing about how ridiculous everyone else in this world is; how petty they can be. I just have to remember that through all of this, the truth is what keeps me floating on.